


She doesn't

by Volk



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A little angst, College AU, Comedy, Just relax, Multi, Swearing, Very light smut, religious issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-07 15:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 69,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4267980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Volk/pseuds/Volk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all have had a crush on a straight girl at least once in our life. Lexa is having a huge one right now with a gorgeous blonde girl. Will this infatuation have a happy ending?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which I can't get you out of my mind and I'm pathetic and drunk but still hot

**Author's Note:**

> So... yeah. This is a fanfic created because I actually want to get my Advanced certificate in English and I want to practise my writing. If you want, you could be my beta (please, I beg you). If not, never mind, just enjoy.

 

**October 25th 2013. First year.**

Too cute to be real. Her big baby blue eyes are fixed on the image while the professor is talking about… I can’t even remember. No, I only have eyes and ears for a certain blonde. But she is so gorgeous it’s almost surreal, it’s almost unfair (as Anya loves to say). The teacher says something and she smiles and oh!, isn’t it the brightest smile I have ever seen? We share some classes in TonDC U, where Clarke studies Pre-med and I’m doing a double majoring in Politics and Biology, and from the first time we met in the bio lab, the wide white smile of the blonde caught my eye just like the firsts sunshines blind a new born chicken when he escapes the egg… Wait, what was that? Is this what the teacher is talking about? Oh, right! He’s talking about the similarity of every specie’s embrios.

Suddenly, I hear a noise and feel a painful sensation in my arm. Yes, Anya has punched me to make me pay attention and now the professor is looking at us with an annoyed look and a weird frown that only he is able to make. Actually, the entire class is looking at us, and the most important thing: Clarke Griffin is looking at me. My entire face turns red, I can feel it, and I silently pray to be crushed by a meteorite while hiding myself behind the book and articulating a mute apology. Anya, in the other hand, smirks to the class and gains a few accomplice grins. That’s the moment when I swear that if I don’t have a heart attack, I’m going to kill my best friend.  
When everyone’s attention is back to the white board, I feel someone touching my arm and a note jumps on my text book. I open it discreetly, adjust my glasses and read a few irregular words written in the white notebook paper: _“Good one, soldier, she’s smiled like an angel”._

The calligraphy is Finn's, my slightly annoying friend who is also infatuated with my…, sorry, with the blonde girl. We find a bizarre pleasure in the amount of fangirling about Clarke when we’re together, we share the pain. To make things clear, he calls me "soldier" as a reference of the "gay army" or the "gay agenda". Yeah, I know, but it's ok. Even if Finn is a bit religious, we get along. We have decided not to talk about religion or moral issues not to have any arguments and Finn treats me like another guy friend. Literally, he thinks that I have the best of both worlds “regardless” my preferences. However, he can be irritating sometimes, especially when I say something cute about Clarke and also while talking about sex. He just feels so guilty about everything that I only want him to shut the fuck up. He doesn’t look for any help, he just likes to complain about “this rotten and perverted society”. It’s just exhausting.

Once I have read the note, I write down the reply I always give him:  _“:)”_. It’s simple, it’s easy and in case the teacher catches us there wouldn’t be anything in the paper that could compromise me. I’m such a genius. When I try to return the piece of paper, the students start standing up from their seats. The class is over and I haven’t been able to pay attention to anything but the beautiful blonde. Great. I grab my books and notebooks and run to catch up Anya and Finn who are already in the hall. They’re talking about birds for some reason; however, Finn can’t stop looking at the girl in front of us with a goofy grin while trying to follow the conversation.

The thing is, none of us has ever talk more than three words with Clarke Griffin, and everything we know about her is because of Lincoln, my guy best friend who is head over heels for Octavia, a friend of Clarke's. They are like an awful version of Romeo and Juliet, really, they’ve been flirting for two months but nothing has happened because of the opposition of Octavia’s brother and his friends. It’s sick, but Lincoln seems to be ok with it for now.

Well, as I was saying, we don’t know much about Clarke, but what we do know is that she is straight, much for my dismay. It’s not like I expected anything different, though, I always fall for the straight ones after all. Really, it’s a curse. Damn, I'm so doomed... It was exactly the same with Costia, the girl I was enamoured with for three years straight (yeah, that was a pun). And guess what, no, I didn’t exchange a word with her because I can’t talk to girls I like. It’s so sad, I get nervous and start babbling like a young teenager even if I get on for 19. I wish she’d look at me at least once and she’d see me, like really see me. I just want her to notice me.

 

 

**January 10th 2014. First year.**

I’m late for class because of yesterday’s party. No, I haven’t forgotten my lab robe. No, I don’t drink alcohol so I’m not hangover, I’m just tired because I’ve slept less than three hours. No, I don’t think I’ll be able to prepare frog’s blood samples on a slide, especially if I can’t find the micropipette. And yes, the teacher is mad at me so I’m not getting any help. This is going to be a lot of fun, huh?

I run to my spot and start preparing what I need, only hoping I won't break anything. As soon as I find the slide’s box, I hear the teacher talking.

"Miss Griffin, this might be a new record: 20 minutes late."

"I’m sorry, Mr. Jaha, it won’t happen again," says a sweet shy voice.

"I really hope so, now go pair with Miss Trigeda."

I look behind me, Clarke is approaching to my spot. If I were still head over heels for her, I would probably have died, but I suppose I just learnt my lesson and got bored of sighing for a girl who would have never been able to see me as anything but maybe a friend. Oh my God, she’s coming.

"Hi, Lexa," she says and smiles. Damn fucking smile.

"Hi," I reply, trying not to sound dry despite the desert that my mouth has become.

Fuck my life, I can’t, she’s so close I can even smell her perfume. For some reason I start fantasizing with her pale skin while I spread the blood in the glass. It’s not appropriate, I know, but I can’t help it. What would be like to touch her? What would be like to kiss her? And then she compliments me on my work and I’m officially dead. I can see my tombstone saying:  _“Here lies Lexa Trigeda. Good friend, better student but also a pervert. Her lesbianism beat her, she wasn’t used to it. R.I.P.”._

Actually, during this class I get to know Clarke better and I just want to bite her. It’s weird, I know, but those are my feelings, don’t judge. And when we take off our robes and go to the hall together… she stops dead on her track. I’d like to say that it’s because she has just realized that I’m the woman of her life and she wants to kiss me and make no-babies with me but, sadly, that’s not the case. Instead, she is looking at Finn and she moves her head to gesture him to follow her.

"See you, Lexa." That's the last thing I hear before I see the immense smirk on Finn’s face.

"Oh… yeah, see you," I answer, but they’re far away now and I’m very confused. "What has just happened?"

"I know it’s unbelievable, but..." Anya and Gustus are there and I hadn’t even seen them. Gustus put one arm around my shoulders and continues, "... they made out last night… this morning… in the party, you know what I mean."

It takes me a few seconds to process his words but once I do I feel queasy and my glasses get fogged due to the heat my face is suddenly giving off. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

 

 

**September 15th 2014. Sophomore year.**

My military boots hit the ground when I exit the taxi and I can officially say welcome back to TonDC University. After an awesome, long summer I’ve had to come back to study. Just great because why would I want to spend my days reading, sleeping, sunbathing and getting all muscled when I can suffer from lack of sleep and stress for nine months straight? Well, I have to say that I was craving to see my friends again and coming back is not such an unappealing idea, especially now that I’ve changed more than a little bit. Actually, I've changed quite a lot. This has been the best summer ever, my summer. I have gone to parties, to the gym and I have got rid of my giant glasses so now I’m smocking hot, confident and humble. No, seriously now, I feel powerful, I feel great in my military shorts and my tank top and I feel ready to confront another year. I feel so... gay.

"Lex!", shouts Lincoln from the other side of the hall.

I make for him and he hugs me like if he were a 6 foot bear. Oh, wait.

"How was your summer?" I ask.

"Dull," he laughs. "I see that you have followed my training program."

"Be careful or she’ll crush every bone in that hot body," warns him an unfamiliar voice and I see a brunette smiling to us while walking to her group of friends.

"Welcome back, Okteivia," although I expected Lincoln to answer, he is too busy trying not to die from dehydration so Indra has taken the opportunity.

Gustus and Echo arrive only a bit later laughing at something that ends as soon as they see us, and when Anya shows up everyone notices. She’s such a queen, especially now that she’s so beautifully tanned. She walks diligently to us and the first thing she does is hugging me… or trying to choke me, I’ve not decided yet.

"I missed you too," I gasp for air when she releases me.

After that, she proceeds to hug the rest of the gang as if she was the mom of the group, when we all know Indra is. That’s the precise moment I see him there, alone in the hall. Finn gives me a glare and then looks away. Weird. Maybe he hasn’t recognized me, I may say that I'm a whole different person without glasses and dressing like a military goddess. I get closer to him and now he has seen me for sure, but he looks back at his phone. What’s wrong with him? And then a pair of pale arms hugs him from behind. A beautiful girl with golden hair is welcoming her boyfriend. Oh, God, I almost forgot her. Clarke Griffin, the princess of superficiality and egocentrism. Indra was right, she wasn’t worth my feelings, she wasn’t worth my tears and my pain. I’m not still frustrated for her straightness, not at all, it’s just that I’ve realized she is just another chick and now I have not only learnt how to recognize those who play for my team but also I’ve completely gotten over her. Even if I’m still awfully single I have had some summer adventures, if you know what I mean. However, I can’t deny she is gorgeous. Her smile’s shinning and her beautiful blue eyes are looking at that prototype of Jesus Christ. And her butt is from out of this world. Wait a minute, have I just checked her butt? Cool down, girl.

"Lexa… Lex!" I turn and see Anya frowning at me. "What are you doing, hot Commander?"

"Commander?" I quirk an eyebrow.

"I love that you say nothing about the 'hot' thing," Gustus laughs and Echo and Lincoln follow suit.

"Don’t change the topic, please." Anya smirks, but her grin disappears as soon as she looks over my shoulder. "Are you kidding me?"

My friends look at the couple and then start laughing. It’s nice to have such happy friends. Actually, I get the joke, they’re making out as if their lives depends on it but in absolute chastity because other way it would be a huge sin. For Finn, I mean.

"I wonder how Clarke is doing with that," I whisper for myself.

"Pretty bad," Lincoln answers and everybody looks at him. "O told me. It looks like it’s been worse since her parents got divorced."

"Don’t you have classes to attend?" We see Mr. Jaha scolding them and we have to make an effort not to laugh.

When he passes by our side, though, we put straight faces and greet him. He’s always had a stick up his asshole, not even a summer can change that.

 

At night, we all prepare ourselves to attend one of the biggest parties in campus: the homecoming frat party in the Alpha house. The host is, of course, Bellamy Blake, also known as Octavia’s elder brother. I would clap if I wasn’t busy trying to hide a six foot bear from this guy not to start a rumble. As soon as we get in, the music deafen us and at first it’s uncomfortable, but then we take a sit on the long red sofa and just chill out. I’m feeling pretty good tonight, and being with my friends just makes it better.

"So, how was Miami, Lex?" asks Gustus out loud, giving me a plastic glass full of diet coke.

"Oh, pretty cool" I take a sip, it tastes a little weird but I ascribe it to the glass and the suffocating heat that the conglomeration of bodies give off. "I learnt how to surf and bought these denim shorts."

"And that’s it?" I don’t like Anya’s stare.

I gulp and finish my drink to avoid the question a little more. It was great going to beach parties and making out with at least ten different girls, but not so great being caught by my stepfather and being told off in front of everybody. That’s what family holidays means, making embarrassing memories with your family. They’re going to laugh at me so hard that the stereo will be ashamed.

It’s two in the morning and Lincoln and Octavia are making out inside a closet. It’s funny, I know. Gustus and Anya are laughing at me while Indra shouts at them something that I can’t understand. I’m feeling weird, my skin feels weird, I’m a little buzzed and I can’t think straight. Well, I can NEVER think straight. I would laugh out loud because of my pun, but I can’t. Wait, am I doing it? I think so, my chest seems to move. This is too strange, I need to use the bathroom. I stand up and lean against the wall at the end of an infinite queue. Why is there always so many people queuing to go to the ladies’ bathroom?

"Lexa, come here, honey," I hear Indra but I can’t see her. Oh, there she is.

"But I have… I have to…"

Awesome, now I’m speechless. Indra grabs my arm and leads me to sit on the sofa, next to her.

"How are you feeling?"

"She's great." Gustus and Anya loud laugh sound all over the place.  

"You both shut up! How dare you putting alcohol in her drink?"

"She is more relaxed now, isn’t she?" Anya smirks.

Someone screams and laughs behind us. Oops, we were supposed to keep people far away from Lincoln’s closet. Sorry, it’s just SO funny. Two girls sit next to us in the coach, still laughing.

"Have you seen those two?" Clarke giggles and grabs her friend. "No!"

"Make room for Raven!" she shouts evidently drunk and then looks at us.

This is a bizarre situation. Gustus and Anya are looking at me with wide smirks in their faces, Indra looks at Clarke with a frown, Clarke stares at Raven, I don’t know where to put my eyes and Raven's gaze is fixed on me. Wait, did Indra just say my drink had alcohol in it?

"Hey, guys, are you having fun?", I don’t even need to focus to know that’s Clarke’s voice.

"Oh, yes," Echo answers. Was she here the whole time? "We have got Lexa drunk."

"OMG, have you?" The one named Raven is staring at me. I think I’m feeling sapphic vibrations coming from her. Oh, God, I’m drunk and I want to hide myself under a rock.

At the same time, Clarke looks at me. I take a quick peep of her cleavage. She’s beautiful and her boobs are huge... Lexa, behave!

"Are you ok, soldier?" Oh, I prayed for him to never dare to show up but here he is.

Finn is standing in front of me with a plastic glass full of water in his hand, just like Clarke’s. It seems now I’m the drunken, sinner, lesbian, pervert one. Just great. I’m going to slowly kill my friends, I’m going to tie them to a tree and cut them slowly, watching them bleeding and then I’m going to pull out their eyeballs and… I should answer, probably, I’m still looking at him with a murderous expression.

"Sorry but I’m a Commander." That's the only thing I can say and my horrible friends lose it, even Clarke and her friend do it.

"Yeah, whatever." He grabs her girlfriend by her wrist and when she stands up he kisses her.

Fucking asshole, damn dirty rat. I’m drunk and upset, not because I still have feelings for the girl, it’s not that, I’m not so retarded. It’s because he thinks it would hurt me and he is doing it on purpose. I hate college, sometimes it’s not different from high school. Suddenly, the brunette girl shouts to save the situation.

"Hey, hey, hey! Make room for Raven." And she pushes herself through the couple, making Clarke laugh. "Feeling up for a threesome?"

There’s a sparkle of horror in Finn’s eyes and suddenly he looks upset. He just steps back and finally goes away without saying a word.

"Finn, she didn’t…!" Clarke tries. "For God’s sake…"

"Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that."

"I know, Raven, don’t worry," she deeply sighs.

And that’s when I consider it is a good time to intervene for some drunken reason, I suppose. I don't really care, I just want to talk to them. I mean, it may be my fuzzy mind but they seem nice and they're damn gorgeous, I just want to calm them.

"He can be an asshole sometimes, doooon’t worry."

Everyone look at me and then start to laugh, even the blonde. The brunette girl sits by my side and puts an arm over my shoulders. Why is she invading my personal bubble? She's not as nice as I first believed.

"Trigeda, you are cooler than I thought," she says with a grin. Forget what I said.

"Commander." And it’s Clarke who corrects her. Fuck, she is too nice.

No, Lexa, focus! Hey, this Raven girl has a nice neck. Lexa, I’ve said 'focus' not 'get turned on'. What am I doing with my life?

"Lexa, are you feeling ok?" This time is Indra who speaks, I think. "You look terrible."

I look at her and feel Raven’s arm detaching of my skin. Now she’s stroking my shoulder.

"I think I…"

But I can’t finish my line. Bellamy Blake has opened the closet we were supposed to watch and now he is screaming as a Neanderthal man.

"Octavia, what the fuck are you doing?! You, get away from her!"

Lincoln is thrown out of the closet and the guy grabs her sister by the elbow. What a prick.

"Bell, fuck off!" shouts Octavia, trying to release herself.

"You’re hurting her!" I probably should grab Lincoln or this situation will turn very bloody.

I stand up all buzzed and dizzy and I touch him in the shoulder. Lincoln looks at me while Bellamy fights with his sister. I have never seen such a big nostrils, he looks like an angry bull. I don't care, if he is a bull, I'm a... bigger animal, with more teeth. A dragon! Yes, I'm a ferocious dragon! I'm going to burn you alive!

"Hey," I say, drawing his attention. "Let her go, now."

For some reason, I think it's me being so cool, he lowers his force around his sister's arm and Octavia can finally go away. She wants to hug Lincoln but there are some guys in her way. I realize they’re Finn and another boy with a weird psychopath face, I think he’s called Murphy. I will burn them too! Wait, I can't, Bellamy steps up and points to my friend to warn him.

"I don’t want to see you anywhere near her, am I clear?"

"Fuck you, Bell, I’m eighteen, you can’t…"

"Shut the fuck up, Octavia", he orders and that’s Lincoln’s trigger.

Yes, he punched him in the face. Yes, he can kick his ass because my friend is like a giant Kung-fu panda but cuter. And yes, Bellamy has attacked back and now the rumble is coming near to me. Wait, wait, wait, WAIT! I feel an impact in my cheekbone and I fall. Damn it, it hurts!

When I open my eyes I hear my name. _"Lexa, Lexa, Commander"_. Oh, it's Clarke, cool, now she's going to see me as a raccoon. Wait, I shouldn't care about that, and also my cheekbone doesn't hurt anymore. I found myself looking at those huge blue eyes. So blue, so relaxing, so bright... Lexa, focus. I can notice that the music is off and I can't hear anyone else. Hey, where's the people?, that's what I want to ask but I can't. I can't because suddenly she is pressing her lips against mine. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, ohmygoshohmygodomygod... OH-MY-GOD!!!!! Is that... Is HER TONGUE WHAT I'M FEELING ON MY LIP?! It is, yes it is. Lexa, why aren't you doing anything? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?! I open my mouth a little bit, that's something. She captures my lower lip and bites it. I freeze. Lexa, you are a useless commander, shame on you. I feel like I'm passing out... or away, I guess I'll find out in 3, 2, 1....

"Lexa, Lex!" Again? What the fuck?

I wake up and literally EVERYONE is looking at me with worried eyes. Auch! My face hurts like hell... So that means that... oh...oh...OOOOHHH! I'm so fucked up.

 


	2. In which I should listen to my brain and not my heart, which is sending blood to all the wrong parts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> College means having difficult assigments and presentations, and it's always easier in pairs.
> 
>  
> 
> I feel like, having rated this for teens up, I have to warn you because of her dirty mind. I don't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've tried to fix all my mistakes but, again, I'm learning.  
> For those who don't know, I'm spanish and I'm trying to get my Advanced certificate in English. My weaker spot is writing so I'll appreciate some feed-back to be able to improve.
> 
> Well, enjoy!!

 

**October 25 th 2014. **

My reflection shows the faint memory of a raccoon. It doesn’t hurt anymore although it’s still so big and yellow that I look like a Simpson. Which do still hurt are the stitches in my head because, in case you’re wondering, yes, I unintentionally swatted a glass table with my head when that imbecilic Blake guy elbowed me in the face. I was bleeding a lot and when I say “a lot” I mean that it seemed like I had been murdered. Every drunken person was already crying, thinking that they had witnessed a tragedy and I bet Finn was already praying for my soul. For it to go right to Hell, I mean. The glass table, though, had a worse ending than me, and even if my situation seemed pretty bad I got some heavenly help. It turns out that although Pre-med students in their sophomore year are not very brave, one whose mother is a worldwide famous surgeon was. Clarke cut the hemorrhage and ordered to call the ambulance. My shining armor sky princess… Lexa! I thought doctors said you’d not suffer any consequences after the hit, so why are you fangirling again, you damn idiot? Anyway, after I left the hospital grounded for life (because, yeah, my family came and my mother and step-father were not pleased) I decided to focus on my studies, helped by my awesome and beloved painkillers. Great shit.

I leave the public bathroom and meet Anya in the hall. She has apologized a thousand times for getting me drunk, the same amount of times that I’ve told her that it’s not a big deal, but every time she looks at my face or my head, sadness fills her eyes. I won’t tell her to stop anymore, eventually she’ll forget it and we’ll laugh about it.  We enter the classroom and notice the teacher isn’t here yet. The happy blessed couple is, though, and they’re playing hockey with their tongues, as always. I can’t help to feel upset when I look at her lips against his and not mine and after that I get sad. The thought of her only being able to like me on an anemic blackout dream just makes me depressed. When I look away, Anya is staring at me but I say nothing and sit on my chair averting her gaze.

"I thought you got over it," she whispers, sitting next to me.

"Me too." Me too _._  Then I whisper. "Don’t worry, it’ll pass soon. When I think of kissing her I just remember in the mouth of whom her tongue has been in and I want to throw up."

"Basic psychology." Anya smirks and hugs me with one arm.

We just stay there in silence, listening unintentionally the smooching session happening behind us (because yes, two days ago they decided to start sitting behind me), until professor Jaha arrives. He leaves his briefcase on the table, extract a folder and claps twice.

"Good morning, everyone." We return the greeting. "Today we’re going to do the pairings for this semester’s projects."

Anya rests her head in my shoulder briefly,silently claiming me as her partner for the assignment. Everybody seems to be doing similar things because the professor smirks and soon the evil can be seen in his eyes.

"Nevertheless, I’ll be the one to choose them."

The room explodes in sights and my gaze runs through my friend's bunched up face. He is enjoying this, pissing us off. I’m not trying to listen to anybody’s conversation, of course, but I hear Clarke telling her boyfriend that it’s ok. Why do they always have to do everything together? Is it an unwritten rule? Mr. Jaha projects his computer screen and shows the pairings in a Microsoft Word document in a huge size font. The defeated sighs and whispers don’t take long to come once everyone discovers their partner. At least Anya’s been assigned with Nyko, a big bearded nice guy she knows from her Advanced Math class. My heart is beating fast, like this project actually meant something else, but when I read who my partner is it stops. Clarke Griffin. Clarke Griffin. Clarke… Griffin. Clarke-Griffin. I try to hide the enormous smile that fights to appear on my face. When my heart finally beats again and my brain goes back to function, I realize that this would be my chance either to forget her or to become her friend.

When the ring bells and I put the books in my bag, I feel Anya’s hand on my shoulder. When I turn to look at her it turns out that it’s not my friend who’s touching me. Two intense blue eyes capture mine and I feel abruptly confused. Suddenly, I don’t really know if I’m the luckiest person in the world or if I did something unforgiveable in a past life. Clarke Griffin is fucking touching me.

"Hey, Commander." Fuck my life, I hate her. Clarke Griffin speaks with a soft voice that throws shivers to my spine. Also she’s still touching me, why is she still touching me?! "How are you feeling? Is your head ok?"

"Ummm…" Don’t you dare babbling, you little raccoon. Clarke’s still waiting, I bet she thinks I have some permanent brain damage. "Yeah, my brain…" I breathe and put my stoic mask on. "My head is ok, I’m… feeling much better now, thanks for asking." Yeah, much better.

"Oh, you’re welcome."

We start walking together, Anya has already left the classroom so I’m alone to talk to her. Or so I think at first. Before we can properly start a conversation, we are interrupted by the king of scum bags. Finn puts an arm around Clarke’s waist as if he is trying to protect her and I can’t help frowning. He smiles at us as a good cute boy and Clarke keeps talking about possible topics for our project. I can’t believe she remains oblivious at his shenanigans, he is looking at me like a fucking hyena. Is he making fun of me? I’m going to crush his skull.

"What about stem cells?" I propose and enjoy seeing him frowning in disagreement. "Is a topic with a wide spectrum of possibilities."

"Oh, gosh, that’s perfect." Then your smile is epic.

We high five and laugh in an unexpected intimacy, or so I feel. I think Finn is trying to kill me with the force or something, he is staring at me with his focused face on. Oh, now he’s turning redder with every word Clarke says. This is such a priceless show…

"…so we should meet this weekend to get everything ready," she says. This have possibly been the first time in my life I’ve paid more attention to a man, but his angry faces are too funny to ignore them. "Would it be ok this Saturday?"

"Perfect," I may have copied her.

In spite of the fact that I’m clapping with my ears in my mind, I succeed in looking professional and ignore her boyfriend. We’ve arrived to the cafeteria and her friends are waiting for her. Also, Gustus is making signs in my direction.

"My room or yours?" she asks and the answer is easy.

"I’d rather do it in yours, if you and your roommate don’t mind." I'm trying very hard not to focus on the othe rmeaning of my words. I'm a horrible human being...

"Perfect." Her smile has just blinded me.

Too soon Clarke and Finn are pulling away and I feel weird. I’m nervous, I know that, but I’m also… sad? Suddenly, I’m sitting on the table with my friends and a sandwich and everything feels so wrong.

 

 

**October 28 th 2014. **

Did I mention before that she lives in my same dorm? If not, she does, like two floors under me. I mean, I’m on top of her… over her, she is on the 3rd floor and I’m on the 5th one. That’s what I meant! Right now I’m waiting outside her bedroom, she is talking to someone and I don’t want to interrupt; plus, I have arrived two minutes and thirty four seconds earlier. My phone starts buzzing, I have a text.

 

> **Anya, 11.27 :** Hows it goin?
> 
> **Indra, 11.28 :** Don’t let her drag you to wherw we all know.
> 
> **Gustus, 11.29 :** B strong.
> 
> **Indra, 11.29 :** *where
> 
> **_“Echo is typing…”_**

 

One second and it’s time. I hit the door softly three times with my knuckles and I hear a noise inside. Steps. The door opens and Raven Reyes appears with a witty look and a smirk in her face. She quirks an eyebrow and lets me in.

"Clarke, your sexy visitor is here," she jokes with a sultry voice and I try not to blush and remain relaxed.

I’m sure that bedroom has lots of pretty and interesting things worth of talking about but when she appears through the bathroom door the turmoil of feelings inside me makes me dizzy and I can’t see anything but her. For some reason she is wearing a white top and… Have I already tell you about my secret passion for leather? Not that kind of passion… I think. Is THAT kind of passion the same kind of passion when you get turned on every time you see a woman wearing leather, specially leather pants? Never mind, the question is, why is she wearing black and red leather pants and what do I have to do to take them off? I mean… Lexa, for fucks sake, behave! Sometimes I imagine my organism as a creepy cartoon. In one corner I see my brain, so jelly-like, telling me the correct thing to do, being reasonable; and in the other one, my heart, all red and bloody, looking at the other one with sparkling eyes, so hot and ready to mess with my life. I know I have to obey my brain, it will never be wrong, but sometimes it’s difficult. This situation is the epitome of difficult.

"Oh, Commander, welcome to my sweet home." What did I say?

I’m speechless and paralyzed but somehow I manage to nod and avoid looking at those pants. Raven puts a hand on my shoulder and silently guides me to the desk. Is she staying here?

"Raven, don’t you have anything more interesting to do? Anywhere you have to go?" Clarke asks eyeing her roommate.

"Not at all," the girl puts on her headphones and lies on the bed with the computer on her legs.

"Excuse my silly friend, she’s just being annoying." Clarke hits Raven playfully on the leg and sits beside me. "So, how are we doing it?"

The project, Lexa, the project. Stem cells, remember? I show her the folders I’ve been preparing all week with different ideas we can use to work. She flicks through the pages with that eternal smile in her lips, like an undying and captivating flame. There’s a moment when she bites her lower lip and I can’t help blushing so I hide my face under another folder. Besides, I'm feling Raven's gaze on me for some reason and that just makes me more nervous. It's too hot in this room, I'll start sweating soon.

"Oh my god, Lexa, this is amazing," she says and I almost jump in my seat. "Stem cells as toner for 3D organ printers?"

"Those articles are really interesting," I respond, breathing heavily. "For now 3D printers have been able to print a full functional guitar, now they are investigating with stem cells."

"Fascinating…" She could perfectly be looking at rubies.

"Really fascinating, actually."

"Raven, shut up," the blonde scolds her and her roommate smirks and blinks at me.

Has she just…? My phone buzz, I thought I had turned off every alarm. Oh, it’s a phone call from 'Mother'. I touch the red button and the screen turns black again. Clarke is still reading the article. I turn off the phone, I want to ensure no one interrupts this. She looks at her computer and opens Scopus’ website. Wow, is she registered? How? Only some institutions and authors can lately access to the database. I decide not to ask, is not like we are friends or anything. Not yet, at least. Her phone starts vibrating so she looks at it and turns it off with a sight.

"Let me guess, Collins?", says her friend from the bed beside us.

"No, genius, it was Abby."

"And why didn’t you answer the call?" Raven leaves her computer on her bed and faces her.

Clarke remains silent for a few seconds and I can just look from one to another confused by the estrange situation. The air becomes a little dense while we wait and finally she becomes aware of my presence.

"Lexa, I’m sorry, ammm…" She sighs and does her best to smile. "My parents got divorced this summer and now my mother is planning her new wedding, so no…" Wow, fast. She looks back to Raven, "… I’m not calling back or answering her phone calls or texts, I don’t care."

Silence. Actually, I hadn’t thought about this, about Clarke having feelings. No, wait, that’s not the best choice of words. What I hadn’t considered before was Clarke being a person who has issues, you know what I mean? Every time I saw Clarke I thought she was that kind of girl that is always happy, beautiful, perfect and for that reason nothing bad could happen to her. And her mother too. I have just seen Abby Griffin a couple times in my life, at the time my father had his heart issues, but I remember her as a beautiful adult woman with a witty look and a smile in her lips. Clarke takes after her mother, for sure. Finally, Raven leaves the bedroom and we are all alone. Under other circumstances I’d be the happiest girl in the history of happiness, but now seeing that sad shadow on the blonde’s face everything I want to do is to hug her tightly and telling her everything is ok.

"Can we go back to our project, please?"

"Of couse," I answer fast, maybe too fast, and open my pc.

For the next hour and a half we focus on doing some research on our topic, and once we have a fair amount of articles we rub our eyes and lie back on the chairs. I have a back sore and a headache, but I don’t mind because she asks me to give her my phone number. I turn on my phone and copy hers. Now I have Clarke Griffin’s number and I think it’s time to say goodbye or I won’t be able to contain my grin of immense joy. When the door shuts behind me I look at my phone planning to change her name for “Sky Princess” or something like that, but an insane amount of messages jump on my screen.

 

> **Echo, 11.30 :** Go Lex go!
> 
> **Anya, 11.32 :** Cum Lex cum!
> 
> **Indra, 11.32 :** Anya, behave or I’ll throw you out of the group.
> 
> **Echo, 11.33 :** LMAO
> 
> **Anya, 11.33 :** C’mon stop being grumpy
> 
> **Anya, 11.34 :** It was funny
> 
> **Indra, 11.35 :** Don’t you dare putting images like that in our minds ever again.
> 
> **Gustus, 11.36 :** U dn’t hav to imagin anyth y’know?
> 
> **Indra, 11.45 :** I can’t understand anything, Gustus, please, write properly.
> 
> **Echo, 11.46 :** Lol
> 
> **Anya, 12.00 :** U have an old soul indra
> 
> **Gustus, 12.01:** Y
> 
> **Gustus, 12.01 :** Do
> 
> **Gustus, 12.02 :** U
> 
> **Gustus, 12.02 :** Say
> 
> **Gustus, 12.02 :** Im
> 
> **Gustus, 12.02 :** nt
> 
> **Gustus, 12.03 :** wrtng
> 
> **Gustus, 12.03 :** prprly
> 
> **Gustus, 12.03 :**?
> 
> **Gustus, 12.03 :** I
> 
> **Gustus, 12.03 :** dn’t
> 
> **_“Gustus left the group”_ **
> 
> **Echo, 12.05:** Thx, Indra.
> 
> **_“Echo left the group”_ **
> 
> **Anya, 13.00 :** Lol, Indra, let them come back, it’s been an hour
> 
> **Indra, 13.10 :** See? Writing all the letters is not difficult.
> 
> **_“Gustus entered the group”_ **
> 
> **_“Echo entered the group”_ **
> 
> **Echo, 13.11 :** I hate you
> 
> **Gustus, 13.20 :**  Me too
> 
> **Lexa, 13.40 :** Don’t you have better things to do than holding up my phone with this nonsense?
> 
> **Anya, 13.41 :** R u ok?
> 
> **Indra, 13.41 :** Are you ok?

 

I look at the screen and my smile drops. In the following conversation I have 10 more unread texts from my mother. I open them and see a bunch of hysterical and angry messages followed by, finally, the purpose of her phone call. She wants to remind me that I have to buy my train ticket to go back home for Christmas (she does it every month) and also that I have to buy a fancy pink dress for our family meeting. Of course, she hasn’t said that it has to be pink, but it’s implicit in her “no dark” rule. I sight thoroughly and go back to my friends’ conversation.

 

> **Lexa, 13.50 :** Yes
> 
> **Lexa, 13.51 :** Do you want to go shopping next week? Anyone?

 

 

**October 30 th 2014.**

The music from the hall doesn’t let me concentrate and if Anya was here, she’d say it’s a sign. I should be in the Halloween party right now but instead of that I’m here in the library, studying completely alone. Well, that’s not true, my chocolate cookies and coffee thermos bottle give me company. I just don’t feel like watching a hormones’ orgy while wearing heavy dark makeup to go back home late, spend half an hour removing it and waking up in the evening. It isn’t worth it. And no, I’m not doing this not to see Mr. Scumb bag and Mrs. Perfect blonde making out in a couch, Finn thinks Halloween is a disrespectful party and I don’t think Clarke… Wait a minute, Clarke must have gone. I rest my forehead on the Psychology book and breathe calmly. How can she be dating him? I would even understand if she’d be dating the Neanderthal man (aka. Bellamy Blake or Elbowus Maximus, depending on my mood). Mrs. Collins chooses his clothes, for fucks sake! He is a grown stupid disgusting pretentious crying baby, that’s what he is. However, she’s still dating him.

"Absurd…" I sigh.

"What exactly?" I jump in my seat and start to panic when I recognize the voice.

I must be dreaming again, I must have got asleep while not-studying. Clarke is in front of me dressed as… as… She is wearing leather, like A LOT of leather. Ok, my brain is melting, my reason is going on holidays. COME BACK, DON’T YOU DARE LEAVING ME RIGHT NOW! I look at her from her high leather boots to her… Ok, ok, Lexa, breathe, calm down, everything is going to be fine. WHY IS SHE WEARING A LEATHER TOP AND WHY ARE HER BOOBS SO…?! I’ve just short circuited and my underwear is completely ruined. Before I can help it, I'm biting my lower lip. Oh, gosh, I can’t even look at her face, I’m so red I must look like a chilli pepper.

"Commander?"

Oh, great, she’s not helping AT ALL. I can hear my blood beating in my temples, I’m starting to have serious difficulties to breathe and I think my brain is hypoxic by now. Or not, because I can still think. Anyway, I tense my jaw and do an inhuman effort to put my stoic mask on. Come on, Lexa, the library is dark enough, you can do this. I’ve decided it and I’ve done it, I’ve looked at her face. She is wearing a lot of makeup, her face is white, her lips are bloody red and she has black paint around her eyes. She also has not one but two ponytails of long blond hair. At this very moment, I realize.

"You’re Harley Quinn." But I say that with my most serious tone and that makes her laugh. Not good for me.

"And you’re the first person getting it right tonight," she says and sits on the table beside the books.

She is too close, I fight with my own eyes not to look to inappropriate places. Harley Quinn was fully clothed, why have every girl to pick alternative versions of great costumes? The worst part is that I’m sure she knows the effect she has, no one can be so naïve and oblivious. Is she doing this on purpose? I clear my throat and move my chair a little further from her.

"Why are you here? There’s a wild party downstairs, you know?"

"I can hear it loud and clear," I answer and I’m afraid it may have sounded a little rude. "And what about you? Shouldn’t you be with your friends?"

"Yeeeaahhh but…" Clarke looks at my books and take one. "I had a little disagreement with my boyfriend."

"Because of the costume," I assume and I know I’m right.

She taps the book and stares at me. Her fingernails are very long, I’m feeling physical pain just imagining it. Good one, that’s what I need. Then my thoughts runs to Finn being virginity’s bodyguard and Clarke having to do something by herself even with… Shut the fuck up! I’m trash, I’m so sorry.

"Do you think I look scary?"

"For sure," I answer and I don’t think I’ve ever said a greater truth.

"You know, I don’t know what to think about you," she says unexpectedly.

"Excuse me?"

"Finn told me all kinds of things…" Unpleasant ones, I assure you, "… about you, and I was even a little nervous when Jaha did the pairings but… I don’t know."

"You know how he is." I quirk an eyebrow and pile up some notes, avoiding her inquisitive glare. "Maybe I should have introduced myself as Satan."

"Maybe," she laughs. "He told me you were an obnoxious, conceited and monstrous little girl without class."

"Oh, that’s nice, he knows I think he is an annoying and hypocritical moralist with an air of superiority far bigger than other parts of his anatomy." I look up and she catches my gaze. I have to look away. "Sorry, that was inappropriate."

She stands up. I’m afraid of having made her uncomfortable. Of course I have, he is her boyfriend. Bad Lexa, but that prick just makes my blood boiling. The sound of the leather indicates me that she is moving again, why can’t she stay still for a little bit?

"Have you been getting ahead of the project tonight?" Now she’s flicking through my stuff.

"Just a bit, now I’m trying to understand the human behavior." Very true.

"You need to chill out, you know?"

"I guess this is the way I relax."

I turn my head and see that she’s looking at me in a weird way. Ok, maybe studying is not what a normal person would classify as 'relaxing time' but it’s quiet and when I achieve my goal I feel great. Also, as I said, I didn’t want to go to the party and now I realize I did well.

"Well, that being said I’ll go back to enjoy myself like normal people do," she’s joking but not lying. "Don’t overstay, Commander."

As she has come, she has gone. I watch her disappearing through the library door followed by the sound of her steps and the only thing I can understand in my situation is that I hate myself right now and I have fucked it up very bad.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be uploading every MONDAY (spanish time).  
> See you!


	3. In which I need to shut my mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3  
> Friendship is a big word, a huge one. Sometimes it's even baffling, sometimes it doesn't mean the same for everyone. Sometimes things are not so simple.  
> When the project finishes, would they have built a bond strong enough to keep this friendship alive?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the awful summary.  
> I know that I said that I'd upload on Monday but I'm feeling a little blue today and I need something to do.

 

**November 28 th 2014.**

I officially hate my life. In this precise moment I look like Harry Potter’s birthday cake, that one that Hagrid cooked for him and looked like dog’s vomit. So pink, so disgusting. I sigh, turn around and look at my friends’ faces. They’ve all enormous grins on their lips because, of course, I look ridiculous and they know it. At some point, Raven and Anya start losing their shit and Clarke and Monty don't last much longer without following suit. I'm starting to believe that the only real friend I have is Indra. Oh, no, forget it, she is laughing too, she is just fighting to keep a straight face. I hate them all.

Oh, of course, you should be wondering what I’m doing trying out pink dresses while being surrounded by this weird group of people. Well, after my little chat with Clarke in the library it turns out that she wasn’t angry, at least not too much. Actually, she didn’t say anything so… Really, I still can’t understand why she’s dating the king of scumbags, she’s too sweet and mature for him. Nevertheless, now I think it's not such a big deal. Don’t get me wrong, I like Clarke a lot (A LOT), but she has become a great friend lately and I have learnt a lot of stuff about her and when I told her that I needed a dress she insisted in helping me and… Well, now she is laughing at my ridiculous look, but it’s ok because I love the sound of her laugh. Regarding the other two, I just love them, really. Monty is an angel, he is intelligent and a little naïve just like a cute husky puppy. Monty is... he’s the epitome of kindness. Regarding Raven, she's the more sarcastic and intelligent person that I’ve ever met, as well as a loyal friend and really funny. She also spends her free time making jokes about Finn and pissing him off so she will always have a special place in my heart.

I just have to say something now we’re talking about Clarke’s friends. I’m so sorry, but I can’t stand Octavia. I have tried and I have even bled for this (remember the homecoming party when I nearly died?). I wanted to do this for Lincoln but it’s just too much, she’s just too much, too noisy and as immature as her brother is but, thanks Gaia, not so primitive. Let’s be realistic, I can’t put up with the Blakes and I pity poor Lincoln. I still support him, though, she is the girl he loves so I have nothing to say in that matter.

So, where was I? Oh, yeah, them losing their shit and me having horrible friends. Definitely, I won’t pick that dress, my mother can shout at me if she wants to. Ok this is too much, Anya has just fallen down and she is crying and laughing on the floor. I storm out to the changing room and they start calling me and apologizing. Too late, assholes.

"No, Lexa, come back", Raven gasps. I hope her ribs hurt very bad.

"Commander, don’t be mad at us", of course, it’s Clarke talking with that cute voice.

Actually, it has gotten better. I mean, I’m starting to get used to being around her and now I can control myself. Or at least my faces and blushes, my mind is pretty much the same. I can’t relax, though, I don’t want to fuck it up, especially now that she sees me as something else than a random girl in her Bio class. Also lately I’m taking pleasure in pissing Finn off by being so close to her. It’s evil, I know, and dangerous (for me) too but that stupid face he makes every time Clarke laughs at something I say is too funny and I can’t help it. I look at my reflection in the mirror. My summer tan is fading but, fortunately, my abs are still toned. I’ve been doing a lot of exercise lately in between study hours, I have too much energy to waste and I wonder why.

"I’m the boggart of any good designer," I complain while taking it off.

"Dork!" Anya shouts loudly.

I’m putting my pants on when the curtain opens, taking me aback still in my bra. Guess who it is? Obviously, Clarke. Well, actually it’s Raven the one who has opened the curtain, but there’s the blonde holding a white dress in her hand. The absolutely lack of changes in her facial expression is utterly depressing. Sometimes I wish my live was like one of those fanfiction stories where one girl likes another one and she sees her naked and love (and lust) fills the air even if she’s not a lady lover. Yes, I love reading and no, I don’t ship Dramion, in case you’re wondering.

"Here, try it out", she gives me the dress and force Raven, who was looking at me with that malicious smile, to shut the curtain.

Ok... I guess I’m getting acquainted to these weird situations because I just take off my pants and put on the dress, no blushing and no dying, no drama. Call me crazy but I’m starting to think over the possibility of Raven being aware of my feelings for Clarke. I look at myself in the mirror, it looks… pretty good. It’s a white elegant dress long to the knees with a discrete cleavage and loose sleeves. It would be better in black but it’s the best one I’ve found in a month of not a very intense research. When I show them, their reactions are very similar. Indra and Monty smile, Anya and Raven tell me that I’m hot in the dress and Clarke…

"How do I look?" I ask. This is the final goal, if she likes it, it’s the dress.

"Pretty good." Ring, ring, ring! We have a winner.

I nod and change back to my comfortable clothes. After that, I pay the dress ($123, yes, I’ve used my step-father’s credit card) and we decide to go downstairs to have a coffee in the mall. It couldn’t be any other way: we go to Starbucks. Today is turning great, actually. I’m getting a fancy dress that I don’t dislike, I’m going out with these awesome women… and Monty, and I’m having a cupcake cream frappucino. Heaven in my mouth.

"Is that Nyko?", I ask once we have picked a table.

There is a big bearded guy eating blueberry scones with some other people I don’t recognize in the corner. Anya looks at him and makes a gesture with her hand to greet him before she starts to drink her peppermint hot chocolate. It freezing outside, maybe I should have chosen something warmer.

"Who is Nyko?" Monty asks. No, don’t start!

"Just my partner in Jaha’s project, he’s also my Advanced Math classmate." She takes a sip and licks the chocolate on her lips. "He’s nice."

"Nice like Monty’s nice or nice like you want to fuck him?"

"Raven!" Clarke punches her in the shoulder and turns to Monty. "You’re awesome, sweetie."

"Sure." He shrugs and starts drinking his tea.

"I don’t want to fuck him," she defends herself, looking unaffected. "And Monty is beyond awesome."

He smiles while Raven hugs him, then Clarke does it too and we start laughing. When they get apart, Monty decides to take a selfie with all of us. Let’s face the facts, you can’t go to Starbucks and not take a selfie. Then, Raven stares at me with a dangerous look. No one scares me more than her.

"Do you want something, Raven?" I ask calmly and bring the cup to my lips.

"Who do you want to fuck, Commander?"

And I choke. I start coughing and covering everything close to me in small coffee drops while Indra rubs my back. In the opposite side of the table, Raven and Anya start laughing and, at the same time, Monty and Clarke glare at them articulating disapproving grimaces. Finally I can breathe again and I take a long sip of my cool coffee to smooth a little my currently scratchy throat.

"What kind of question is that?!" This comes out louder than I pretended but... well, never mind.

"Just a normal one." Raven chuckles. I love her but I could punch her in the face right now to erase that smirk on her lips. "Come on, is there anyone special in your life? Any hot girl who makes you sigh… and moan?"

Any hot girl, yeah, well, one in particular. Wait a minute… THEY KNOW?! I spy Clarke reactions out of the corner of my eye, she’s just staring at me and taking a ship from her orange juice. So they know, of course they do, my sexuality is not a secret or anything like that but, I don’t know, I feel weird. Weird and nervous. What if she noticed the way I looked at her? A straight girl’s glare on another straight girl is never believed to be anything but a normal glare... or a jealous one. What if I made her uncomfortable? It’s been a month and she hasn’t said anything. She has even become my friend, I mean, look at us, we’re having a coffee after a shopping morning. Indra kicks my leg under the table. Right, I have to say something.

"No." I know, I’m very expressive, a great talker.

"Is that right?" says Clark after swallowing her last sip of juice.

Look, I know it’s never going to happen but when she looks at me like she’s doing now and talks to me or smiles at me I can’t help but fooling myself thinking that she may feel something. Nonsense, I’m afraid. And I nod because what else can you do when the girl you like asks you if you like someone but lying? Plus, it’s a plausible lie. I mean, no one can imagine me dating someone or even making out with somebody. I really surprised myself this summer, for the record, because I have been told a bunch of times that I seem pretty asexual because of my seriousness and shyness and the fact that I used to hate everybody around me during my teen years, so I was very asocial. I must admit that for the most part of my life I thought I was too and I felt absolutely happy and comfortable with it, but then Costia appeared in the picture. I was so confused and depressed by that time… even now that I’ve accepted my inevitable nature I still feel a bit guilty when I have some thoughts about girls. Although that’s not because any homophobic remainder of any conservative raising, it’s just that I’ve been watching cis-straight boys hitting on girls and treating them like pieces of meat and I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to disrespect girls, and taking into account that I always fall for straight girls I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable in any way.

Oh, oh… Raven is looking at me again. Anya is too. And Clarke, and Monty, and even Indra. I have the sensation that they all are thinking the same and I won’t like it.

"We’ll have to change that." Raven, the official voice of the people, has spoken.

Before I can say anything else, we all hear a noise and Monty screams. There’s a guy with enormous goggles behind him and he has scared him, our Monty, and now he’s laughing. They call him Jasper. He’s going to die. Not very long after, another three guys appear through the door. The first one I see is Mr. Iron Elbow, and he’s followed by John Murphy and… yes, Scumbag. What a fancy group of assholes. They greet us and make for our table. Bellamy puts his strong hands over Raven’s shoulders and chuckles.

"Hello, bomb girl, Griffin and…" He looks at me. "How’s your head?"

"Better," I reply, dryly, and he looks away.

Finn has leaned to kiss Clarke. Or make out with her, because even from the other side of the table I can see their tongues moving. Oh, I’m going to throw up my frappucino. I look at Anya, she is trying to avoid Murphy’s eyes. I can’t remember it but I’ve been told that he tried to flirt with her during the homecoming party and she, drunk as hell, almost fucked him. I didn’t believe it at first but watching her like this and knowing that she hasn’t drunk alcohol for weeks I’m starting to think it’s true. Poor Anya.

"Where’s Octavia?" Bellamy asks Raven, who inevitably whimpers. "She told me she was going to go shopping with you."

"Oh, she…" Raven and her wit are crumbling, we’re so fucked up.

I catch Indra sending a text to Lincoln out the corner of my eye and I clear my throat.

"She’s just gone to the bathroom, she didn’t feel very well," I say and take a sip. "It was very hot in a shop we were before and she’s gotten a little dizzy, she’ll be fine. Right, Clarke?"

Everyone stares at the Med student and she nods and fakes a smile. Raven can’t text because Bellamy is too close, but Indra and I are already on it. Luckily, they’re two blocks from the mall, they should arrive in any moment. The problem is going to be sneaking Octavia to the bathroom. I contain a sigh, this West side Story thing is getting annoying. Every time Lincoln wants to go on a date with her we have to cover for them, and even if that’s been useful for getting these new friends, someday we’ll have another fight and you know how I end up in rumbles.

We try to talk to them and distract Bellamy, but he is becoming more and more nervous every minute. Raven has even let him her chair and now she’s sitting on his lap. The next step, prostituting Anya to get rid of Murphy, who’s also asking for little Blake. However, we don’t have any problems with Finn. Yeah, Clarke is distracting him very well, too much for my taste. Finally, I see Octavia and Lincoln in the Starbucks door and text her to run to the bathroom. She does, but in the last second Bellamy turns and sees her. She tries to act natural and makes for the table.

"Hey, O, are you feeling better?" Raven is the first one to say something.

She nods and we all wait some eternal seconds until Bellamy smiles and stands up to hug her. Everything is ok, now I can breathe.

"What’s he doing here?" Scumbag, king of the lackwits, can't be quiet for a second.

Shit. We all turn our heads to see Lincoln, still standing at the door. Fuck, fuck, fuck… Bellamy’s breathe is getting heavier and his entirely body tenses. We all tense, actually, we’re in trouble. I’m optimistic, actually, maybe we won’t be debarred from the mall. No, no, come on, Lexa, think. Ok. I finish my coffee, freezing my poor brain in the process, and grab my dress.

"Easy there, Garurumon." I’m trying not to look nervous, ok? I don’t really know what I’m saying. "He’s here to pick me up, I don’t want my dress to crease in the way home."

I give a last look to my friends and realize that Octavia is articulating a mute apology. Not enough, girl, this is exactly the kind of thing why I don’t like you. I just wanted to enjoy a fucking delicious frappuccino surrounded by my friends and to be happy being near to Clarke for a whole day, is that too much to ask? I hug Lincoln and he thanks me under his breath. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

 

 

**December 12 th 2014.**

She’s doing it great. No, beyond that, awesome, magnificent, legendary. Clarke is reaching the finale of the speech while I help her passing the slides of the PowerPoint presentation. Contrary to what I do, she talks relaxingly, powerfully, with fire pumping on her veins and the security of a lioness. I’m a bit jealous of her confidence but more than that I’m very proud of her, of me, of our project. While she sets out the conclusion a thought crosses my mind. This is the end of our partnership in the Bio project, but will this also be the end of our friendship? I only have a final test left, she has two, I believe, so I’ll have to wait another week to find out.

When she ends her speech the entire class applause and professor Jaha clears his throat. Of course, he has to make some questions about our project. The first one is easy and she sails through it, I answer a couple more and she responds another one. Has he listened to us in the twenty minutes we’ve been displaying our presentation? Finally, the last one. I listen at the teacher’s words carefully and mull it over. Actually it’s not difficult, just long. I stare at Clarke. Oh, no, she has dried up and her breathing is starting to be heavier. I step up and answer it calmly, trying to be the most clear I can manage. Mr. Jaha looks at me as if he is trying not to whimper. I’m sure he is. What’s wrong with this man?

"Fair enough," he says and the classroom goes off into an ovation. "Yeah, yeah, now… Finn Collins and Nathan Miller."

We go back to our seats and in the way I see how Clarke brushes Finn’s hand to reassure him. I feel a little weird but not sad, not at all, and I can assure you that’s great. When I sit down, Anya hugs me with her right arm and compliments me. After a few moments of whispering, they finally open their presentation archive and start talking about mitochondria and their functions. The entire classroom is silent while listening to Nathan introducing the topic. It’s pretty interesting, actually, but before I can fully concentrate on what the boy is saying I hear a vibration in my bag. Discreetly, I take my phone and watch the screen. Oh! I have a text.

 

> **Sky Princess, 12.21 :** Thank u so much for saving my ass
> 
>  

If I had any chances of dazzling her, I’ll answer something like “you’re welcome, it’s a nice ass” followed by a emoji, possibly the one blinking an eye. Unfortunately, this is not the case, so I try to behave.

 

> **Lexa, 12.22 :** No problem, you did great
> 
> **Sky Princess, 12.22 :** Thx, u too
> 
> **Sky Princess, 12.23 :** Im very jealous
> 
> **Lexa, 12.23 :** Of what?
> 
> **Sky Princess, 12.23 :** U really looked like a commander
> 
> **Sky Princess, 12.24 :** U were so powerful  & confident
> 
> **Sky Princess, 12.25 :** Ur entire body said “I know dis  & now ur gonna learn”
> 
>  

My entire body was saying 'I want to fuck you, you look so powerful and I'm to gay'. I stop myself from giggling in the last second and before I keep texting I make sure Mr. Jaha can’t see my phone. Perfect. Anya looks at me frowning and I prudently show her the conversation. She shakes her head softly and sighs. I know this is wrong too but I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. After writing and erasing some ideas, I finally push the send button.

 

>   **Lexa, 12.28 :** You forgot adding “, bitches” *boss emoji*
> 
>  

I hear a quiet noise behind me. She’s trying hard not to laugh, I know, and I love it. I gaze around and ensure no one else has heard it. Another buzz. That was fast.

 

> **Sky Princess, 12.30 :** Was dat a joke Mrs Trigeda?
> 
> **Lexa, 12.31 :** Yes, it was
> 
> **Lexa, 12.32 :** You say it like it’s uncommon
> 
> **_“Sky Princess is writing…”_ **
> 
>  

She takes her time to answer. Five minutes, ten minutes. I’m tempted to turn and look at her but I don’t do it. I wonder if she is writing a whole paragraph or just thinking her message as I should be doing instead of telling her every thought that crosses my mind. I look at the white screen and see the picture of a red mitochondrion and the electron transport chain, and that’s when Nathan lets Scumbag taking her turn to speak. Definitely, I won’t learn anything new about mitochondria in this lecture. My phone vibrates again.

 

> **Sky Princess, 12.43 :** U r just too serious
> 
>  

It has taken her eleven whole minutes to write that. I don’t know if I should be happy or ashamed of her, I’m confused. I finally decide to let it go, let it go, ‘cause I’m one with the wind and sky… Sorry, I had to. But I do wish I was one with the sky, though.

 

> **Lexa, 12.45 :** I’m very funny
> 
> **Lexa, 12.46 :** I’m the funniest person in the funny history of funny
> 
>  

_The funniest person in the funny history of funny._ I can't believe I'm so pathetic. I should call the Guiness record’s guys to reward me with the prize to the worst joker ever. Right now I’m embarrassed of myself, I’m feeling physical and psychological shame, I can assure you. I wish I could make the text come back but it’s already gone.

 

> **Sky Princess, 12.46 :** lmao *emoji loosing its shit*
> 
> **Sky Princess, 12.47 :** U r on fire dis morning commander
> 
>  

I have to admit it, I’m getting a lot of pleasure from knowing that she’s texting me instead of listening to his boyfriend talking, and that gives me some extra energy to the point I’m risking my stoical reputation. Maybe it’s not such a big deal, perhaps it’s worth it at least if it’s for her.

"… transport chain. Hence, mitochondrial diseases…", Finn’s talking but no one’s is listening anymore. He’s just too boring.

I look at Anya, she’s drawing penises unconcernedly on a dirty sheet. That’s… so like her, actually. I smile and my attention returns to my phone.

 

> **Lexa, 12.52 :** Sorry, I go so round the bend when I’m bored
> 
> **Sky Princess, 12.52 :** Am I not interesting enough?
> 
>  

Are you fucking kidding me, girl?! She could have said something like “Is chatting with me boring?” or “Is mitochondrion something that boring?”. However, that’s not what she’s said. This time I can’t help it and I turn around. She’s already staring at me with her big blue eyes and that smile in her lips, looking as a sweet and naïve little girl. I hate her and I hate Finn and I hate me and I also hate my life.

In turn, I quirk my eyebrow, trying to look a little disaffected, and breathe quietly to stop my blood from filling my cheeks. I sit correctly again and Anya is staring at me. She needs no words to make me understand that I’m a pathetic fool and I’m sinking in a deep well of shit. I get it, Anya, stop it.  I have to do something, anything.

 

> **Lexa, 12.59 :** Well... you’re ok
> 
> **Sky Princess, 12.60 :** Ok?
> 
> **Lexa, 12.61 :** That’s what I’ve said
> 
> **_“Sky Princess is writing…”_ **
> 
>  

I wait her reply in vain, the presentation is over and her boyfriend sits next to her. I hear her giving him a peck and he asks her if she’s liked his project. She answers it’s been amazing. She lies, not only because his part’s been the hugest boredom since the creation of baseball (truly, when he starts speaking something dies inside of me) but also because she hasn’t listened at a word of it. No, she was talking to me, she was laughing with me and not with him. It doesn’t mean anything but that we’re friends, though. Just friends.

 

 

**December 16 th 2014.**

My finals are over. Gaia, it was about time already, I need a break for sure. A break from college, a break from seeing Clarke every single day, and even if I have to go home for Christmas and be with my family, I’m going to have it. Sitting on a train looking the diverse landscapes is cool for a while, but is not enough to keep you busy during the entire journey. I have tidied my bedroom, taken the things I’ll need and said goodbye to everyone, even to Clarke. I think I have nothing left to do. What..?! I've felt something, my phone is buzzing. That’s right, I haven’t told you yet, we have made a texting group. Anya, Gustus, Indra, Echo, Lincoln, Octavia, Raven, Clarke, Monty… everyone is in it, and by 'everyone' I also mean Finn. It’s my fault, actually, I told Raven it was ok and now I’m paying the price. We’re all paying it.

 

> **Scumbag, 6.02 pm:** Enjoy your holidays, everyone!!!
> 
> **Indra, 6.05 pm:** Look, someone who writes properly *smiley emoji*
> 
>  

Shut up, Indra! I’m tempted to scold her in a private conversation but I decide against it, it isn’t really worth it and I’ll look like a selfish stupid person. I turn of my mobile instead, before everyone starts talking. I rest my head in the window and close my eyes. I’ll need all the energy I can get.

When I wake up I’ve almost arrived. It’s 6.40 pm, I’ve not slept so much but I don’t care. Everyone is already taking their possessions and getting ready to go out so I grab my luggage and wait until the train stops in Polis. Home, sweet home. The train station is crowded of people going to work or coming back for Christmas, but I’m not so lucky to get lost. My mother’s there waiting for me and making signs in my direction. She is like me but older. I have inherited her hair, her tanned skin and even her thick lips, but my eyes are my father’s. Actually, seeing her is not so bad as I remember and hugging her is almost comforting.

"Welcome back, sweetie."

"Hi, mother", I answer and she grimaces. "Shall we go?" 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploads on Mondays and possibly on Fridays too.


	4. In which I love my family and the New Year starts as good as a epidemic of leprosy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being out and proud can be awesome, but it also can suck, especially if some important people like to have everything completely under their control. "Control", nice word, isn't it? So prude and so reckless at the same time... You can't always tame the beast.
> 
> WARNINGS:  
> A lot of swearing (maybe I should have warned this before but I think we're all grown up people).  
> Sexual orientation denial  
> Angst has come people  
> Domestic violence mention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this on Monday, spanish time, because tomorrow I have to wake up early so if this doesn't let me do it in that date I may change it later, but it's ok.
> 
> Well, I must add that you'll appreciate certain attitudes in Lexa's mind from now own that may seem pretty dramatic and exagerated.  
> The thing is sadder than that because there's real people who actually feel like this so just... you know, feel the angst and enjoy.

**December 25 th 2014\. **

My mother’s calling me from the dining room, our guests are almost here. Nevertheless, I won’t be ready sooner even if she keeps shouting at me, she can save it. I make sure my dress is not creased and my hair is perfect. Everything has to be. Tonight my hair is extraordinary loose because they (he) don’t like my braids. My stepfather thinks they make me look like a savage and I… I should just shut up and this dinner will end up well. It’s just a few hours, I can do it, specially wearing the dress Clarke chose. Yes, I only have to think of that and everything will be fine. Just when I’m going to tell them that I’m ready, I hear a buzz. It’s not difficult to find the source since my bedroom is very organized and modest regardless my family’s wealth. I just have what I need and I don’t want anything else. Oh, it’s a text… or a million.

 

> **Gustus, 7.35 pm:** Mrry Xmas guys!!!
> 
> **Indra, 7.35 pm:** Merry Christmas!
> 
> **Raven, 7.36 pm:** *Sends a selfie wearing a Santa’s suit and holding a card with the words “Merry Xmas!” in it*
> 
> **Anya, 7.38 pm:** Merry Xmas!! *Party emojis*
> 
> **Anya, 7.38 pm:** *Sends a selfie with Lincoln, Indra and Gustus*
> 
> **Sky girl, 7.40 pm:** Merry Xmas!!!!!
> 
> **Sky girl, 7.40 pm:** *Sends a selfie with the Blakes*

 

The picture is actually very funny. Clarke is next to Octavia, and Bellamy’s head seems to float over theirs. They all look very happy, it’s nice.

  

> **Scumbag, 7.41 pm:** MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
> 
> **Scumbag, 7.41 pm:** *Sends a picture of a nativity scene*

 

I don’t really know if I should roll my eyes or thank him for not taking a selfie. I don’t really feel like seeing his bigheaded, douchebag face tonight.

  

> **Monty, 7.45 pm:** Merry Xmas everyone!!
> 
> **Monty, 7.46 pm:** *Sends a selfie intended to be only of himself with a fancy red suit, but Jasper’s nose appears and occupies half of the picture* 

 

The doorbell rings a couple times and my mother shouts at me again trying to hurry me up. I’m the only one left, I have to do it. Just two seconds and I write a cool “Merry Xmas!” in a sheet. I use my frontal camera and send a not-so-bad picture of me. Then I mute the phone and practically run to the dining room. Let’s do this.

 

It’s midnight already. I watch the desserts arriving but I know they’re not going to let me eat it all because 'eating all your plate is for fat and disrespectful people, leaving food is either polite and classy, and the correct thing to do'. Tell that to the people starving in Africa. Oh, gosh, I’m hungry as heck and those 'Decadence d’or' cupcakes look so delicious my mouth’s watering. I swallow hard before I create a waterfall in the middle of the dining room and I look at the people sitting at the table. Wait a minute… I realize that, actually, I’m not related to any of them except for my mother. I thought that Christmas was family time but I guess I as wrong.

I gaze around. Mother’s next to my stepfather, Cage Wallace. They met and got married five years ago, after my father’s decease. He’s a fat cat of business and he and his father run a huge industry named 'Mount Weather', which makes and invents military weaponry. He’s a conservative, gun defender prick, there’s not another way to describe him. His father, on the other hand, is a nicer old man too oblivious to realize his son is a pretentious asshole. Why am I surrounded by unknown and unwanted people, seriously? I only recognize Cage’s niece, Maya, and her parents. Maya’s probably the only person I don’t dislike in this room and that’s sad because we’ve only met twice in five years.

There was a time when Christmas dinners weren’t like this, so silent and awkward. We would go to Anya’s and meet with her family, Gustus’, Lincoln’s and possibly Indra’s. I unblock my phone and look at the picture Anya has sent and sigh, wishing I was there with them. I miss Mrs. Wood’s roast chicken and Mr. Wood’s greek salads so much I can imagine their taste if I close my eyes, but I won't do it because if I do that, I’ll feel miserable and he’ll notice it.

"They seem nice, are they friends of yours?" Maya’s voice takes me by surprise and I almost drop my phone.

"Sorry, I shouldn’t be checking my phone while having dinner," I whisper and put my phone away.

"It’s ok, I’m playing Candy Crush", she shows me the screen and I contain a laugh. "Being here is not so bad, we have a nice dinner and then they go to the living room to talk about politics and end up shouting to each other."

"But in the mean time we have to listen and be quiet."

"Well, that’s true."

Maya looks away and I wonder why she’s being so nice to me tonight. She may be as bored as I am, or maybe she’d rather be somewhere else too. Anyway, I appreciate that, there’s not a lot of 'nice people' in this family. I’m eating my dessert and suddenly the waiter takes it away. No, come back, there’s more than a half left! Too late, it’s been thrown to the trash. IT WAS TOO YOUNG, IT DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE! At least out of my stomach, which clenches and growls. I would do that too, growling I mean, or maybe howling, but my mother would scold me for being impolite so I decide against it. I still remember when we got along, my mother and I. She was… supportive, strong and kind and funny, but now she’s just Cage’s lapdog. I don’t know how that happened, I… everything was fine until my father’s death and then, she broke. Actually, we bankrupt because of the hospital’s bills and we had to sell our house and move to a hostel. Then she met Cage in a work event and what happened next is history. I’m 90% sure that he loves her because a man like him wouldn’t date and even less get married to a poor woman with a teenager daughter if he wasn’t head over heels for her but still I don’t like neither his personality nor his fortune, not even for her. And I certainly don’t like her since she’s with him. Money and luxury just went to her head and now she’s everything that my father hated. Now she’s everything that I hate.

 

Soon, we move to the living room, were a guy in his mid twenties that I haven’t seen in my life moves a chair away for me to sit. That’s actually very nice of him, which in other circumstances shouldn’t mean anything, but now my mother is looking at me and Wallace is weirdly smirking. Yeah, danger. When we’re all sat down, Wallace, his father and Maya’s parents start talking about the business and the inheritance of the Wallace family, as always. Maya is playing Candy Crush discretely on her phone, as well as the other children in the room. There are other guests who talk to each other or even gossip about people I don’t know or whose names I’ve heard maybe once or twice coming out from my mother’s mouth and I haven't bothered to memorize. Talking of the devil, she’s still looking at me. I know I’m not going to like this.

"Alexandria, my dear, do you know Carl Emerson, your father’s new secretary?" She points to the man without looking away.

My father, he wishes… or not, I don’t care, he’s not my father. I turn to the guy in question, he has a soft beard and light blue eyes. Clarke’s shine like the stars in the night sky, Emerson’s just exist. Anyway, he must be 25 or 26 and, what else? Oh, HE’S A MAN. Why is she even trying? I told her I liked women and just women, she asked me and I told her more than a year ago. Why does she have to be like this? My heart clenches and I use all my strength to smile to the secretary and nod as a greeting.

"We didn’t have the pleasure to meet before, I believe," he says, smiling widely.

So… now we have met, bye. I wish it was so easy, but something tells me that mother has other plans for this conversation. I look out of the corner of my eye at Maya, she’s also staring at me. I try to ask for help, but mother sends the chivalry.

"So, Carl is an intelligent gentleman…" Do people even use that word anymore? "… whose future is really promising."

"Congratulations, Mr. Emerson," I say and I don’t know if it was the best thing to do because he bends forward a little on the couch to keep talking to me. Damn...

"My daughter is doing a double majoring…" Yeah, even aliens know that by now thanks to you, "… and she’s single, aren’t you, my dear?"

Yes, I am, thanks for the remainder, mother. The man is looking at me, waiting to know my answer, and my mother is too. It isn’t like she knew something about my life, anyway, that would require that she cared. Maybe the wisest reply would be a lie, just say I have someone in my life and give her a fake boy name or the name of one of my friends like Monty. He would help me pretending to be my boyfriend if I asked him for it. However, that would mean that I chickened out and I didn’t spend four years of my life being confused and scared to keep lying to someone who prefers forgetting what she doesn't like rather than supporting and loving her daughter. No, I’m Lexa Trigeda, another grounder in the Earth, and I’m only scared of people from the sky.

"Yes, I’m single," I answer and observe how their grins grows bigger and bigger. They look like a bunh of Jokers, it’s freaking scary. "But as you’ve said, mother, I’m doing a double majoring and I have almost two times the classes any random college student has," I add, and I can hear Maya’s giggle in th ebackground. "I don’t have time for such thing as dating."

Ok, maybe I’ve chickened out a little bit not making clear that I’m a lesbian but being all out and proud doesn’t include being an idiot. I know it’s not safe for me, god knows what Wallace would do if I embarrassed him in front of his people. Last summer, he didn’t beat me because we were surrounded by potential witnesses, and after the homecoming party he took my credit card away and left me with his, the one he can control. It’s not like I used mine anyway but, you know, he grounded me for being accidentally elbowed in the face by a random guy in a fight I didn’t even have the pleasure to participate in. It’s not like I have a gang and get into rumbles every day. It’s not like I’m a real commander of an army of savages.

My mother stares at me as if I’m a foreign raccoon eating her trash. Yes, actually that’s pretty much what her gaze says, a mixture in between disgust and fury, and I haven't even been rude. It doesn’t take her long to recover her 50s woman grin.

"Well, sweetie, you’re still young, don’t worry about it," she says and takes a cup of champagne that the waiter offers to her.

Emerson takes another, as well as Maya, but when a waitress offers one to me I reject it. Now, mother starts talking to Maya’s mum about politics. Is a big and welcomed surprise, at least a topic I like. Yet, which begins as a serious discussion about economy and the Government ends up becoming a guesswork about what would happen if George Clooney became senator and he being the most handsome politician in the USA. And people think neurons can only die from drinking alcohol. I can feel mine popping.

 

 

**January 11 th 2015.**

When you prefer college to holidays, you have a big problem or a shitty family. In my case, both statements are 100% true. Somehow I survived the crazy Christmas week in the Wallace mansion and I’m back to my beloved TonDC University, far far away from them and very close to an astounding blonde who I’m meeting tonight, by the way. You know how college is, a fly sneezes and someone throws out a party. It’s not that I’m complaining, just saying.

It’s… too late and I’m finishing my makeup, which I think I did really well this time even if I don’t usually wear it. I want to be smoking hot tonight for someone to notice me… Well, I’ll be the happiest girl in the world if she only complimented me. And oh! I have to show Maya my outfit. I take a quick selfie and send it to her. We have been talking these days, for some reason after rejecting graciously my stepfather’s secretary (and mother’s perfect son-in-law) I ended up telling her everything. And she was very supporting, really. She is so sweet and it was actually a relief being able to talk to someone of my sort of “family” and not being systematically ignored or despised. A couple minutes later, I get a reply _: “YOU ARE ON FIRE, GIRL *fire emoji*”._ She loves it, I knew she would, and Clarke will too, you'll see. I’m wearing a black top with a leather jacket and tight black jeans. Also, my hair is carefully braided because she’s told me before that she loves my braids. Tonight I will win or I will die in the most horrible way. I’m serious, if she says nothing I’ll hide in my room forever and become an angry hermit that screams when she sees a couple kissing in public spaces. 'Crazy Lex', I’ll be called, and then I’ll start my own religion: the Eponinism, in honor of Éponine, the first person in the history (of literature) in doing everything she could for someone who doesn’t see her at all. Les Misérables, great novel and musical. My ears still hurt due to Amanda Seyfried's high pitched singing voice in the film, just awesome.

"Are you ready, Lex?" says Gustus from the other side of the door.

No one has ever entered my bedroom, not even Anya. I have one for my own because of Wallace’s contacts and I feel way better this way. That’s possibly the only thing he’s done for me, and it wasn’t completely disinterested. It’s not like I have something weird or something to hide, there are not dead bodies in my closet. I’ve spent a lot of time there, I’d know. My room is pretty much the same I have at my stepfather’s mansion, I don’t sleepwalk and lay unconsciously in bed with my roommate, I don’t smoke crack… I’m the perfect roommate, actually. It’s just that I feel absolutely uncomfortable if someone examines my stuff and irrupts in my personal space. The last person that entered one of my bedrooms was precisely Cage Wallace, I think it was that time when I was so pissed off with my mother getting married again and obliging me to move to a stranger’s house that I ended up breaking a glass, unintentionally, I must say. I was just too strong in comparison to that fragile glass, and I was also too furious, not my fault at all. However, that didn’t make it any better on what happened next. I look at my reflct in the mirror and I can't help it, I move aside my leather jacket. The scars of that time still go over my skin following irregular paths in my back, just like rivers, although now they’re covered with a super cool tribal tattoo for which I didn’t even have to pay because he didn’t want anyone to find out. If I actually try to think of it, I can still remember the metal ripping my skin and hitting my bones. Yeah, it seems like my stepfather loves belts and buckles more than Christian Grey does. I can’t believe I’ve said that, or thought of it. Ew, ew, ew! Anyway, it never happened again and I know it wasn’t normal and it was wrong, I’m not that traumatized or brainwashed. Nevertheless, as he said: “his house, his rules”, and I know that experience was harsh but made me aware of what I was involved in, who is my family now. Why did I shut up? I don’t know, I don’t know why I don’t care about that night anymore either. Maybe I'm not a normal human being at all but I just... I guess that truth wouldn’t do any good, I just couldn’t force mother to be poor and alone again. Well, I’m actually in two minds regarding her choosing me over him. I just try not to appear around the mansion very often so we all can just be happy, or at least the happiest we can be.  

Enough of remembering shit, I have something important to do tonight. I shake my head and look at me for the last time. This party is going to be epic, I know.

 

It’s half past two in the morning and Gustus, Echo and Octavia are twerking on a table while Bellamy and Lincoln are having friendly drunken conversations while drinking beer after beer. Weird. Jasper and Monty are challenging Raven and Clarke at beer pong and Indra and Anya are trying to make Murphy disappear. I don’t know how this ended up like this, but it really doesn’t matter because the most disgusting scum of scumbags is not here and I won’t have to put up with Clarke and him having a ferocious tongue duel. In case you are wondering, yes, Clarke appreciated my outfit, she’s told me I look great, which is something. I just expected something more… I don’t know, something that showed any hint of interest on me, but it was just me fooling myself. Again. Stupid Lexa…

"Lex, are you ok?", Indra asks when Murphy goes away, possibly to barf.

Finally, dammit. It was about time already. Not for him to throw up (although that too) but for him to give up on my friend. If you want someone you can’t have, be quietly by her side in absolute friendship for her to ignore you as we all normal- not-insane people do, John.

"Yeah, why?"

"You have that face," adds Anya, giving me a cup of what I make sure is just coke.

"Do you mean my face? What’s wrong with that?"

"What’s wrooooong with Lexa’s beautiful face?" Clarke has just appeared of nowhere and she is pretty drunk, I think. She must be taking advantage of Finn’s absence. Wait, has she just said that my face is beautiful? I could do a somersault right now, or several.

"She looks like she’s eating chards."

"Oh, I bet she’s just bored because she’s not having any alcohol." Clarke sits beside me, like stuck to my side with a dopey smile on her face. I won’t be the one to complain. "Do you want some?"

"No, thanks, Clarke."

"Not even a body shot?" She insists, capturing my gaze with those big blue eyes I love so much.

"No, not even a…" WHAT THE WHAT?! My heart clenches and I feel my blood boiling in places it shouldn’t.

"We should play a game, then." She put a drunken arm around my shoulders and nuzzles my neck. Just great. "GUUUUUYYYYSSS!! LET’S PLAY A GAME!!"

It takes a bit but finally we find a quiet place and sit on the floor making a circle. They want to play 'the prejudices game' at first. In this game, someone says something like 'who of all of us do you think that is a virgin?' and people must point with their finger to one person who they think that is a virgin. The person that gets signaled by more people must reveal the truth and take a shot (or a sip, if you don’t want to die). Yet, as Raven is so kind to remark, we know each other too well, at least most of us, and it wouldn’t be so much fun. So it’s Clarke who comes up with the terrible idea of playing 'never have I ever'. Very traditional, awful to me. Even if I were to drink alcohol I wouldn’t take a single shot, my life is too boring.

However, everyone else seems to agree with the idea because soon enough they all have their large shot glasses full of red vodka. Bellamy has suggested drinking whiskey shots but no one wants to die today. Regarding me and Indra, we have healthy water shots because we are cool.

"I’ll start", says Octavia and smirks looking at her brother. "Never have I ever thrown up inside a fridge and completely forgot about it until my mother came to my room screaming as that weird worm from 'The Simpsons'."

Surprise! Elbowus takes a shot, but he is not the only one. Gustus and Clarke do it too and I completely freak out. Gustus? I thought I knew everything about him but… Oooohhh! I know when that could have been, he threw a party two years ago for his birthday and he got so wasted that tried to flirt with Indra. Weird, funny night… Regarding Clarke, well, I know that she… Oh, wait, it's Lincoln’s turn.

"Never have I ever hidden inside a closet and watched any of my relatives changing."

Two people drink. Yes, one is Jasper, I’m not surprised. However, the other one is Gustus. Again. Where do I find this crazy bunch of friends?

"Gus?" Anya hits him in the shoulder.

"I wuas seeeven, ok?" he slurs and I’m starting to have difficulties to understand him. "It was my mother, I’m traumatized."

"In my case it was my grandma, four years ago." Ok, Jasper. "Her tits almost touch the floor." We didn’t need to know that, Jasper.

Everyone throws something at him and the next turn is Anya's. She has to think of something she hasn’t done before so this could take a while. I take my phone and look at my messages, Maya has wished me luck and… no one else has talked to me since every single person who could is in this room, so…

"Who’s that gurrrl?" Clarke is looking at the screen but I don’t think that she can read anything in her state of drunkenness.

"Oh, it’s Maya, a friend." I put the phone back in my pocket and, luckily, Anya has made up her mind about her question.

"Never have I ever…" She looks at me with a lifted eyebrow and it gave me goose bumps, "… slept with a girl."

I heard a lot of whimpers when they take a shot. Bellamy, Lincoln (it must have been with Octavia, I’m glad Elbowus doesn’t know it), Gustus, Raven (actually, I had a hunch about that one) and Jasper (oh, liar, he wishes). When I stop enjoying their expressions of pain I realize that Clarke is staring at me. Why? I shyly avert her gaze. Yes, Sky Princess, I know, I’m 19 and still a virgin, shit happens. Would you like to change that as well? Ok, Lexa, shut the fuck up. Indra’s turn is rather boring, she says that she has never done parachuting and only the Blake siblings drink. And it's my turn. Oh, shit, what do I say? I should have thought this over before… Oh, Gaia, they’re waiting, think, Lexa, ponder a little… Okay, I’ve got one. This is going to be so sad…

"Never have I ever been in a serious relationship."

In case you are wondering, yes, I added 'serious' not to look like a lonely loser. The saddest thing is that everyone drinks but Bellamy and me. Even Jasper, although I think he just wants to get wasted because I don’t buy any of his responses. I need to do something with my life, anything. I feel like Clarke is watching me again but this time I don’t feel like looking at her in the eyes, I’m too embarrassed. You know what to do in these situations, Lexa. Emotionless face on.

"Never have I ever…" Oh, right, it’s Clarke’s turn. I’m genuinely intrigued about what she’s going to say, "… kissed a girl."

Not so bad. My first instinct is proudly grabbing my glass and drink my healthy water but before that I look at her. Crap, she is watching me again and I can’t remember what I’m doing. What the hell? I can’t move a muscle. This is my moment, not even Anya knows about this yet, I could brag about me making out with severely women in the same night, WHY ARE YOU TAKING THIS FROM ME?! I’m so fucking stupid… Echo is talking now but I can’t listen to her when Clarke is still staring at me.

"I’ll be back in a second," I say and practically run to the toilet.

At least I don’t have to queue, that’s new in a party. I close the door and I realize that there’s no lock in the door. Yeah, I thought it was a bit strange me being so lucky at this point in my shitty life. I unzip my jeans and… WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, CLARKE?! I freeze, she has followed me and now she’s closing the door behind her.

"Can I… help you or something?" I don’t know what else I can say.

"Sorry, I need to check my make-up," she says and turns to face the mirror. She had to check her make-up... right now... okay.

Remember, Lexa, she’s drunk, she can afford to be irrational and annoying. And I have drunk too much water so I’m more aware of my bladder than of whatever the fuck she’s doing. I wait a few minutes but she doesn’t finish. I thought she was checking her make-up not painting her portrait. Oh, gosh, I really need to pee.

"Go ahead, it’s ok," she says with her eyes fixed on me through the mirror.

Fuck off, it’s not ok. You don’t care? I DO CARE! Oh, fuck… Fuck, fuck, fuck it. Ok, Lexa, let’s do this. I put my pants down and bend not to touch the dirty toilet. This is the most denigrating and pathetic thing I have ever done, and because of that I’m so tense I can’t even pee. Why is she still looking at herself in the mirror?! At least the mirror doesn’t reflect me in this position, if that was the case I’ll just go and pee in the backyard, I swear. Why? WHY? I want to run away to Mexico and change my name to Alicia Pacheco and never have to see her again. Dear Gaia, I’m trying to pee in front of her in a shameful position, what am I doing with my life?

Finally my bladder can’t fight anymore and I get my release. Peeing was never such a great experience… and she’s still there. I try not to make any noise but it’s difficult when your knees are shivering because of the effort. Please, tell me that there’s toilet paper, please, please… Eureka! Well, it could have been much worse, I guess. When I zip my jeans back I go to the sink to wash my hands and she gives me some space. Don’t blush, Lexa, don’t blush. I can’t even look at her. I dry my hands with the only clean towel I can find and try to run way from her, but she is in the way, of curse she is. Fuck.

"Wer…e yuuu serious?" She’s tottering. She’s so drunk, what does she want from me now? Shall I bark like a dog or something? I can’t think of anything worse than what I’ve already done. Well, I could, but I won’t do that. NEVER!

"About what?"

"About not having kissssssed a girl before." Holy shit! Why, Clarke, why?

"Yes…" I don’t know why I’ve said that. I’m a dirty liar.

"Not even that Mara?" she asks, out of nowhere.

"Maya," I correct her and she grimaces.

"Whatever."

"No, she is my cousin… kind of," I sigh in desperation, trying not to start shuddering. This is just too much for tonight, or for my life, I haven't made up my mind yet. "For fucks sake…"

"Useless lesbian…"

Suddenly, Clarke smiles at me and she is too close. Her eyes shut in our proximity, her breath softly warms my chin and I inhale hard trying to keep calm, trying not to panic. I'm going to faint. My heart is beating so fast that I think it’s going to escape from my body, my hands are sweaty (ugh!) and I just… I just lean for the kiss. She is very drunk and I know that this is all kinds of wrong, tomorrow I will feel all the guilt at once and bury myself in my shame but now, now I’m feeling butterflies and fireworks and fucking bombs exploding inside me. Her lips are softer than I could ever imagine, oh my gay. She strokes my nose with hers and captures my lower lip. CLARKE GRIFFIN IS KISSING ME, CLARKE GRIFFIN IS KISSING ME!!!! I can't believe any of my senses. Her touch must be the breeze caressing my skin, her smell just a perfume someone left irresponsibly opened somewhere in the bathroom, the taste of alcohol could be easily mine, maybe Anya has done it again. No, the heartbeats I’m hearing are definitely ours. It’s really happening.

At first I’m a little insecure and my kiss is shy and dubious, but then she puts her hand on my neck to push me forward and a hot wave jumps at me. That is the precise moment I get wild. I guide her to the door, putting her in between it and my body. My hands in her hips caressing the skin under the fabric, my leg between hers and my teeth softly biting her lip while she plays with my braids. She seems to love it because soon we get into a sloppy kiss and her hands start running through my back. Every single touch is electrifying, every contact with her lips, magical. I feel dizzy, she has literally taken my breath away and I couldn’t care any less. When her tongue appears, it surprises me and I can’t help but moan softly against her mouth. This seems to encourage her and soon her tongue strockes my upper lip, asking for a permission that I obviously give her and my lips part to happily let her in. I could die right here, right know and I wouldn’t care. This is literally a dream come true, my purest and greatest fantasy of love and desire. I’d like to go down to her neck but I’m enjoying too much the sensation of the kiss mixed with the butterflies in my stomach. This could only be more perfect if we weren’t in a dirty, stinky bathroom but in a field full of flowers and fireflies. That would be real magic.

Then I feel it. She is starting to press herself against my leg, she is trying to get some release and I can totally understand her but… Uh oh… Her hands are slipping under my top. UNDER MY TOP! Damn, now she’s caressing my abdomen, throwing lustful shivers to my spine. I… I… Everything just hits upon me. She’s drunk, this is wrong. She’s drunk, she’s straight, this is wrong. She’s fucking drunk, she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Her hands go up, creating a exploring and searing path through my ribs and… my boobs. She squeeze them a little over my bra, exploring my reactions. Oh, god, Alexandria, you’re practically raping her, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?! STOP!

I literally jump away and step back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> Uploads on Mondays and possibly Fridays too!!


	5. In which I’m the ultimate fucking tosser in the world and people try to kill me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5, my dear friends
> 
> Recommendations for driving safely:  
> • Use your safety belt at all times.  
> • Drive at a speed that is safe for road and weather conditions.  
> • Stop lights and street signs may be missing or not working – Treat intersections where lights are out as a four-way stop.  
> • Keep space between you and other vehicles.  
> • Avoid driving when tired, fatigued, or upset.  
> • Plan your route in advance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So angst's here, enjoy it

 

**February 14 th 2015\. **

What have I done? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for a whole month. I look at my Economy notes, trying to pay attention to Professor Sinclair’s lecture but I can’t make those numbers make any sense in my head. It’s just a complex amount of lines in the written sheet. What have I done? Oops, the class is over and I’ll have to spend another night of sleep deprivation to be able to understand these problems. Really, I’m becoming a coffee addict, the next step is injecting it directly into my veins.

After class I go from the Light building to the Central watching the way my feet move while walking. I don’t really feel like looking up. Some random people say hi to me but I don’t even care who they are, I don’t care what they want or how nice they are. The only thing I want is being able to erase that night from time and my memory but that’s not possible so I would be happy if only this day ended right now. I arrive at the cafeteria and run to get a strong coffee and go back to my bedroom. That is my everyday’s plan now, just going from my room to class and from class to my room. While I’m queuing I can’t help remembering her face, her beautiful face. At first she was confused due to my sudden reaction, I mean, I stepped back like she was a leper or something. Then she just ran. Yes, she ran and it’s perfectly normal. What did I do? Out of the blue, I feel the touch of a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, Lex, how do you feel today?" It’s Anya, followed by Echo, both of them giving me that pity look that I hate so much.

They don’t know anything about what happened because I haven’t told them yet, and actually I won’t. They’d say things like “that’s what happens at parties” or “but you stopped” and I don’t need to hear that. I don’t want to. This is the way how I should feel, a nasty, ruthless, immoral asshole, the ultimate tosser in this world. The only thing they know is that when I came back I just wanted to leave so I pretended to be too sleepy to keep playing and I think it worked because they haven’t said anything. Since that night I’ve been having serious sleeping troubles so I study and do some exercise but then I can’t concentrate in class, which forces me to be awake at night and study more. I don’t think I have slept more than four hours a day this month. What has she even asked me? Oh, of course…

"Tired." I order a strong Americano, fuck milk, fuck sugar, the only thing I need is caffeine.

"Gosh, Lexa, you can’t keep living like this." The concern in Echo’s voice just makes my heart break a little more. "Come on, sit with us for a bit."

The pile of books that waits for me on my desk makes me want to say no but they’re my friends, you know? Friendship is something we must take care of and even if I’m the shittiest friend ever, I’ll try to make things right. They order their coffees and we make for the table where everyone is already. And by everyone I also mean Clarke.

"Oh, God, Commander, you have to sleep." she says, her eyes full of concern.

What have I done? She’s gorgeous and nice as always, she is smiling as always and she’s taking care of everyone as she always does. Of course she had to blackout with all that alcohol running through her veins and now she doesn’t remember anything that happened. I don’t know exactly if that’s a good thing. At least if she remembered it and hated me I wouldn’t feel so ashamed every time I see her, every single time she smiles at me like she really appreciates my presence. I feel like a monster disguised as her friend. I’ll never think of her that way again, I’ll do everything I can to make her happy as a friend, which is much more than I deserve. Oh, dammit, what have I done? I can’t look at her more than a few seconds, I can’t talk to her normally. I just can’t so I try to avoid it pretending that my silence is due to pure extenuation. The violet bags under my eyes make everything much easier.

Even breathing is difficult right now. I sit and take half my coffee in a single gulp and everyone open their eyes. I watch them when I do it and realize that Finn and Jasper are still in class. That’s good, I guess, because I don’t really feel like putting up with Scumbag right now. I keep calling him that in my head but the truth is that for the time being I am the scumbag one. Funny how things turn out, huh?

"Easy there, tiger." It’s Bellamy who takes my cup away and the only thing I can do is watch him do it. Fucking Cromagnon man… He’s being sweet to me, though. Fucking Cromagnon man…

"Lexa, we’re worried about you." This time it's Indra the one who speaks.

"Yeah, Commander, you look like shit." Thanks, Raven.

Lincoln takes one of my hands in between his. What’s this, an intervention? Actually, I could complain because I still have the energy to do so but I just… I don’t have the right to do it.

"I’m fine, guys, I promise."

"No, you’re not." The tone that Clarke uses takes me aback. She’s serious, I can see it, her face also shows a little anger for all the wrong reasons. "Please, promise us that you’ll sleep at least seven hours a day."

She’s capturing my gaze, I can’t look away, I can’t escape. She’s so good at this it’s almost scary. What did I do? I know she’s right, I know they all are but I can’t help it, I just can’t sleep. I slowly nod, though, that’s what they need.

"I’ve got an idea," Monty says and everybody turns to him. "Why don’t we have a little camping tonight? I know a guy in the dorm that could let us spend the night in the patio and we can make sure that Lexa sleeps eight hours straight."

"It’s cold," I whisper, seems like not loud enough for them to hear me.

"I think it’s a great idea," Raven agrees but the rest of them don’t look so convinced. "What’s wrong?"

"It’s Valentine’s Day." Oh, has Octavia been here all the time? She looks at Lincoln and adds. "It’s our first Valentine’s Day…"

"Gus and mine’s too." Wait, what?! When have Echo and him started dating? Wait, it rings a bell… yeah… They told us like three weeks ago I think. I’m an awful friend, maybe I do need some sleep.

"I have plans too." I didn’t count on Bellamy, anyway.

"Me too." Anya too… ok. "I’m sorry, Lex, but I’ve been delaying this for too long and…"

"It’s ok, Anya." I rest my head on her shoulder and for a second I think I can really fall asleep. "Anyone else?"

"Actually…" Clarke raises her hand a bit and I believe this is for the best, "... Finn and I have plans too. We… we haven’t been really well for a while and we need this."

"Don’t worry, Clarke," I reassure her and try to joke to soften the air around our table. "There’s not doubt in deciding whether meeting me sleeping or having a nice Valentine’s day with the person you love."

I beam and she smiles back at me but I can distinguish the emotion in her eyes, something made from guilty, concern and pain. She’s too good for this world and I’m a monster. What have I done?

"So Monty, Jasper, Lexa and I for tonight, right?"

 

 

**February 15 th 2015\. **

Technically it’s 1 am in the morning so it’s not Valentine’s Day anymore and technically I should be sleeping but, once again, I just can’t. It’s been a nice night; freezing, yes, but really nice. Monty and Jasper brought a telescope and we scrutinized the sky looking for stars, planets, planes, sorority girls changing... I mean, that’s what Jasper did and Raven took a brief look but Monty and I just prepared the sleepbags and the tents. I share mine with Raven and she's a great tentmate but at some point this night I needed more air to breathe so right know I have my entire body covered by the sleeping bag inside the tent except for my head, which is completely outside. I love stargazing. The best thing about TonDC U is that it's pretty isolated so there are no lights that could tarnish the sky or noise that could ruin this peaceful, magic moment.

Caressed by the beautiful shine of the moon, every constellation tells a unique story. _Canis Major_ was one of Orion’s hunting dogs. _Taurus_ , the embodiment of Zeus disguised as a white bull to dazzle princess Europa. _Gemini_ were twins, sons of the great king of Sparta. _Ursa Major_ was the great bear in which Callisto was transformed by Hera when she discovered her affair with his husband. _Perseus_ was the hero who beheaded Medusa without looking at her and used her head to slay Cetus, the sea monster. Come to think of it, greek stories are pretty twisted, don’t you think? Nothing compared to Disney’s modern rubbish.

Something is moving inside the tent and the zip starts to get undone. Of course it’s Raven, who else would be inside the tent? She drags herself to me wrapped in her sleeping bag like a red sleepy worm and lays looking at the sky.

"So you really can’t sleep," she says and I just nod. At first she is silent and I’m not sure if she has seen it but then she keeps talking. "Why are you here, cooling your nose, all broody while you stargaze?"

For a moment I don’t know how to answer that question. It’s too complicated, actually, and I’m too tired to open my heart. I know that Raven’s cool and loyal but… she’s her friend.

"Do you know that I have a theory?" I can hear the grass moving under her head and her quiet breathe melting with the cool breeze. "I’ve reckoned about this a lot and I’ve reached the conclusion that aliens don’t invade us for two reasons: a) they don’t have the technology yet; and/or b) through their telescopes they still watch a planet full of dinosaurs and they’re afraid of them."

Her laugh is really comforting, even more than I expected because, well, she's sassy Raven. For a single second I forget everything in my life, for a second stars are the only thing that matters. It’s very sad, actually, seeing alive those who have been dead for a long while now. It makes you think of how brief our actual lives are and also for how long we’re going to be remembered and how. In fifty years, am I going to have someone? Is anyone going to care about me? I shouldn’t be wondering all these things taking into account that I don’t even deserve to be a star in the sky.

Many people believe that stars are the only dead thing that we can watch while looking alive and strong but they're not. On the contrary, people die every day and I’m not talking about brain deaths, I’m talking about their feelings, their inner them. Sometimes it may be difficult recognizing an empty corpse. Just muscles and skin and blood and other tissues, all rotten inside. What have I done?

"Are you going to tell me what’s been bothering you lately?" I don’t have a good answer for that. "Can you tell me what happened with Clarke?"

In spite of my vulnerability and shyness in this moment, I turn my head and look at her right in the eye. Is that worry? Is that sadness? Why does she even care? I can’t understand how she knows there’s something going on in my head in regard of Clarke, and I don’t know why her gaze is so tender and so soft. For the first time in many years, a tear slides through my cheek to my earlobe, losing itself in the fabric below me.

"I fucked up," I say and she dries my tears, caressing my skin with her thumb. "In that New Year’s party…" I gasp softly and sniff, trying to control myself, "… we kissed… well, she kissed me, actually, and I just… kissed her back." Another sniff. Raven is silently listening to me, waiting for me to continue. "Things went on and… and we almost did it." She’s still quiet, I don’t know if she’s understood me. Maybe she hasn’t grasped it. "The do."

A burst of laugh from the girl is not exactly what I expected. Great, simply great, that’s exactly what I need now, someone laughing at me. I storm back inside the tent, dragging to my spot and roll until my face faces the fabric. She’s still gasping, fighting to breathe and giggling, but she unwraps herself and rolls me to look at her.

"I’m sorry, you just… you’re just such a naïve cinnamon roll." She smiles, showing a smug face. "Well, a real roll."

"I’m a monster, Raven."

"Can you explain me that? Because I don’t get it." She gets on her knees beside me and leans to do up the tent’s zip. Then she switches on a lantern to bring some light to our conversation.

"She was drunk…"

"Not so drunk." She lifts an eyebrow.

"She was very drunk, Raven."

"Trust me, I’ve known her since we were ten, even if she has lost some experience in the art of drinking since she started dating Jesus Christ, she can handle much more alcohol than she drank at least until we played Never have I ever”, she looks like she’s reckoning something and finally adds. "Yeah, and red vodka is practically for children…"

"Anyway, she was drunk and I wasn’t and I played along…"

"Why on Earth do you put those high standards on yourself? You’re being cruel right now, you know?" she says and I know she’s kind of right, but… "You’re a human, Lexa, not a fucking robot. Everyone has their flaws."

I stand a little bit and manage to release my arms. Then I hug her and we remain like that for a few liberating minutes. I know it already, ok? I know that if these same thoughts crossed any of my friend’s minds I’d tell them that they’re simply stupid and they need to start to ponder some stuff. The thing is that I can’t stop feeling like this and I know that what I did was wrong but I stopped, and even knowing this I can’t help it, I feel like shit.

She goes back inside her sleepbag and rolls until she hits me, she kisses my cheek and places her head next to mine. It’s sort of funny, I’d never have thought that Raven was the type of person who calms you giving you love instead of shouts or kicks. She kicks me. Now, I thought it was weird already. The silence remains only quietly interrupted by our rhythmical breathes. I wish it wasn’t cold, we could sleep outside.

"So she kissed you," she suddenly whispers.

"Yeah…"

"Do you like her?"

"I wish I didn’t."

There’s no need to say anything else. Raven knows, Anya, Gus, Echo, Finn even Lincoln knows. Finn knows… I wonder why he hasn’t said anything yet. Or maybe he has and she doesn’t care, maybe she just likes me so much as a friend that she’s been all cute and understanding and I’m the worst demon ever. I whimper. What did I do? Raven kicks me and sends me back to the reality out of my mind. The first time I saw her I knew she was unique and I’m never wrong (the Scumbag thing was an exception, ok?). Really, why does she have to be with him? Another kick.

"Thanks, Raven."

"You grind your teeth when you get distressed," she slurs, almost asleep. "Sleep, Commander Paranoia."

We lay like that all night and, although I couldn’t reach the seven hours mark, I slept more than I had in that whole horrible month.

 

 

**March 25 th 2015\. **

Spring break’s here. I’m glad to tell you that I recovered all the sleep due and my study efficiency improved a lot, so much that I’ve got outstanding grades in all my mid-terms. Regarding my neurosis, yes, I still feel like a shitty monster but I’ve finally learnt to separate my heart from my brain, which has made the last one healthier and happier even if the first one is rotting in guilt and desperation. I still can’t have a conversation with Clarke without feeling horribly blameworthy and running away with the most stupid excuse I can find, though. Yeah, I swear, the other day I told her that I couldn’t have a coffee with her because corporations fill them with shitty additives and I’m starting a healthy life… a healthier life, which is not completely a lie. I think she is noticing something already because she seems confused and hurt every time I decline her offers. I’m so sorry, Clarke, I wish I could look at your beautiful face without being a little more heartbroken every time for so many reasons. The only good thing that these awful months have brought is Raven. We have become really close, actually. Sometimes I wonder if she’s been in love with a straight girl before because she seems to understand me at 100%.

Right now I’m shuddering while driving the car. My car. That one that I have never driven before because it’s my birthday present from Wallace and my mother and I don’t want to have anything to do with them even if it’s an electric black Audi E-I-don’t-know-the-number-and-I-don’t-care. Plus, it’s a huge car and I rarely drive to avoid polluting the environment as far as I can so I’m fucking nervous because I barely remember how these things work and I can’t even see the road. Really, I can only see the lights on Wallace’s Ferrari ahead of me and I’m physically suffering. Buff… I have a bad feeling and I think I’m going to die in every curve, this is one of the many reasons why I’m more of a motorcycle girl. Hey… heyheyheyheyheyhey! WHAT IS HE FUCKING DOING?! That’s it, this is his plan to kill me, that’s why he has pushed the accelerator IN A FUCKING MOUNTAIN. Where are we even going? My only plans for Spring Break were laying on the bed, listening to soft music and sleeping forever while my friends go to a wild party in Miami, full of drugs, pools, naked people, sex and alcohol because, yes, I'm still grounded. However, they are dragging me to a kind of rich people’s club party where I’m sure my mother plans to find a new son-in-law. Good luck, mother.  Suddenly, Wallace takes a detour, not bothering to signal it and I swear he can go to fuck himself. AH, AH, AAAAAHHHHH!!! I throw all my energy on pushing the break and the car stops with a strong shake before I can hit a tree. My neck hurts a bit but it could have been worse, I could have been driving faster or not have pushed the break at all. I rest my head in the seat and gasp in disbelief of my luck. Thank you so much, dear safety belt. Damn you, stupid, pretentious, rich, murderous prick!

I stay still, my breath heavier, my eyes closed and the key in the contact. I almost died. I could have died. Someone’s knocking on the glass so I inhale and slowly roll down the window prepared for a bucket of shame being thrown to my face.

"Lexa?"

Two baby blue eyes meet mine and make me gulp. I blink a few times until I realize who their owner is. No… nononononononono. Can I die now? Can I do that again and push harder the accelerator? My popped corpse would have made a very good stain in that tree. I don’t understand how I manage to be involved in the worst situations every time I go out of my bedroom.

"Oh my god, Lexa, don’t move!" Clarke’s agitated, I’ve never seen her like this before.

"Don’t worry, I haven’t crashed the tree…"

"Clarke, what’s happened?!" Wait a minute, I would recognize that snob voice wherever I hear it.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think I’ve said “worse” before. Well, now Finn Collins is going in the direction of my car, that’s “worse”, that’s the freaking worst. I know I should get out of the car to check if I’m still in one piece but I don’t really feel like it. When he arrives Clarke moves and he looks through my window.

"Oh, it’s you, are you ok?"

"Wicked, Collins," I manage to say, knowing that I have to behave at least in front of the Sky Princess. "Now, can you move away from my car…" I’ve just washed it "… I need to get out."

He obeys and I open the door carefully. Ok, I can move my limbs, good. I turn feeling a sudden pain in my neck, just like a whip. However, I won’t let that scumbag see me showing any sign of pain so I clench my jaw and finally manage to leave the car. When I stand up, at first I feel a little dizzy and my tottery makes me grab the car’s door, but then everything is fine or at least as fine as it can be after an almost car crush.

"Are you in pain?" she asks and sits on my car’s hood. "Come here, I’ll check your neck."

She spreads her legs and expects that I, dizzy as I am right now, go sit in between them for her to touch my neck. She’s totally crazy. There’s no way on Earth or Mars that I do that. Yeah, before I can realise I’m already there, giving her my back with her thighs pressing my hips. I’m weak, ok? I’m a fucking weak monster… My hair is loose, as my… as that motherfucker likes, so she puts it away tenderly and starts rubbing my neck. Mmmm... yeah… Lexa, if you dare thinking one single time in something inappropriate I swear to God that even if you’re an atheist I’ll lock you into a convent to spend your life praying and weaving. In a brave gesture, I dare to close my eyes. Come to think of it, do you imagine a life without wi-fi? Or Pac-man? I can’t numb the feeling of her hands caressing my shoulders, her fingers pressing my neck in all the right spots, it’s wonderful even though every now and then her touch suddenly turns into a painful stab and I can’t help whimpering. Have you ever think of what a sexual videogame Pac-man is? I mean, he’s eating cherries like all game long... Lexa, behave!

"Are you feeling better?" she asks softly, close to the shell of my ear, giving me very nice goose bumps. Lexa!

"Hmmmm…"

A tongue clicking makes me open my eyes. Of course, it's Finn's. I’m so sorry but this is beyond my control, I can’t help but smugly smiling at him. Why was I thinking of ancient videogames when I could have been simply looking at him? There’s nothing less erotic than him. See? Know everything is fine, no more goose bumps, no more shivering and certainly no more throbbing in between my… Never mind, can we just move on?

"I’m much better now, Clarke, thank you", I step forward, separating from her.

The lost of the sensation of her thighs on both sides of my waist somehow clenches my heart, emptying it of blood and filling it with gloom. It’s just like that awful night, I think, the way she felt when I stepped back, I wish. I’m trash. What did I…? No, Lexa, stop! Inhale, you need to breathe and just go away.

"Who was that asshole driving the Ferrari, anyway?" She leaves the hood of my car and starts checking it looking for any dent, maybe. "He blinded you with his lights…"

"He blinded us!" Finn says. Just… shut up, boy.

"My stepfather." I lean against the door, not ready yet to go back inside. Clarke looks at me, half guilty, half confused.

"Oops, sorry."

"Don’t be, he’s a…" Oh, fuck, I don’t swear in public, "… an idiot."

"That’s not the word I’d be looking for for someone who almost killed me." She tenderly smiles and keeps checking my car. "I didn’t know you had a stepdad…"

"Neither did I." No one cares about what you know or not, scumbag. I don’t say it with words but I’ve definitely told him with my stare.

"Yeah, well, I’m not very fond of him." My eyebrow lifts by its own only by thinking about my family, I swear. My disdain is so strong these days… "Anyway, we’re supposed to go to a club’s party or something like that up the mountain, where are you going?"

 

Funny how life goes, isn’t it? I’m parking in a club’s garage, a club for millionaires, and Clarke has spent the whole way left next to me. She had to guide me there, of course, because it looks like her stepfather is also a member of that group. I’d call it the “evil stepfather’s club” if it wasn’t because now her mother was also in, as well as the Blake’s and Monty’s. Yeah, shocker, it’s like a sect: one joins in and then everybody blindly follows suit. Clarke has told me that they’re all furious because they had already planned a trip to Miami with Gus, Lincoln, Echo and Anya but, you know, parents. It’s all I need to say.

When we get out of the car, she doesn’t even wait for Finn, she just grabs me by the wrist and lead me down to the club’s nursery, where she practically orders a nurse to explore me. She insisted in calling her mum but I’ve rejected her offer for two reasons: first of all, I’m fine, and secondly, I know she doesn’t get along with her mum so I don’t want to force her to do something she is not comfortable doing. At least not being sober, badum chsssh! Yeah, that was a joke about my lack of moral fiber, never mind. Oh my Gaia, I’m the fucking worst; where’s Wallace? I have to feel a little better being near someone worse than me, that’s how stupid I am. I’m starting to feel like throwing up… The nurse makes me follow her finger with my eyes and when I stand up I totter again. Clarke grabs me by the arm to steady me.

"I’m fine, Clarke, really." Shit, she’s worried again. I wish I could tell her that touching me and staring at me like that will definitely not help me.

The door opens suddenly and through it appears a very beautiful woman (I must say) with dark honey hair and an imposing aura. Yes, you’re right, it’s Abigail Griffin, also known as Clarke’s mum or Doctor Griffin. I guess it depends on the situation. In any case, Abby storms in the nursery and goes straight to face her daughter, who tenses at the mere view of the woman. They look so alike it's pretty interesting.

"Oh, Clarke, they told me you had come here right after your arrival," she says in a worried sick and loving tone, and moments later she is hugging her. "Are you ok? Where’s Finn?"

Too good to be true, she had to ask that. Clarke separates from her looking a bit annoyed and her expression is the most neutral one I’ve ever seen on her face. That’s so not Clarke, she must be really pissed off. I understand her, though.

"I’m ok, I’m ok," she assures. "Lexa had some troubles with her car and we stopped to help her."

For the first time, Abby Griffin looks at me with a soft frown. I wonder if she recognizes me, it’s been a lot of years, a lot of changes. Soon, her baffled expression turns into a smile. Yes, she does, she remembers me.

"Oh, God, Alexandria Trigeda, how are you?"

"Fine, thanks for asking, just a little hurt," I answer shyly. Really, I feel like that little scared girl in the hospital room again and there’s a bitter feeling in that memory that I don’t want to revive.

"Wait, have you met before?" The surprise in the blonde’s voice is blatant.

"Well, Alexandria spent a lot of time in the hospital with her father a few years ago," she says, turning to her daughter for a second. "What’s happened?"

"I just… didn’t see the detour." And that’s not a lie, I couldn’t see it because some stupid asshole was blinding me on purpose with his back lights.

"She may have a whiplash, her neck and shoulders hurt and she’s been dizzy," Clarke interrupts me. No one interrupts me but her, I don’t have a whiplash, I’m just whipped.

The doctor listens to her daughter carefully while she relates what she has witnessed excluding, as my intense stare begged her, the part in which my stepfather and my mother are assholes that not only they almost kill me but they also don’t care enough to stop and check if I’m at least alive. Then she proceeds to ask the nurse for the results of my exploration. It’s amazing the way these mother and daughter work together, they’re a real team. It’s nice.

Talking about assholes, the next thing Doctor Griffin asks Clarke to is to bring my mother and Wallace here. Don’t worry, Clarke, you’ll easily spot them, just look for a puppet face man with the hair soaked in gel and a middle aged woman to whom he’s giving cookies. So fucking disgusting. And it must have been what Clarke has thought too because when they arrive she's making a priceless face of desperation and disdain. Everything will pass soon, Sky Princess, don’t worry. As soon as my mother sees me, she hugs me as if she hadn’t done it in decades and pretends to be utterly anxious because of my potential state. Cage, on the other hand, articulates the fakest smile of relief that any actor has possibly ever displayed in their lives and waits for my mother to separate to put a hand on my shoulder.

"How’s she, Abby?" My mother asks, her voice filled with something similar to concern. I’m here, thank you, well, not precisely thanks to you.

"She’s fine, just scared. She has not a whiplash," the doctor says with a calming smile in her face. 'She' is still here.

"Fortunately, this girl likes to drive slow." Cage believes he’s hilarious. Imbecilic prick.

Fortunately, I didn’t crash my car into a tree due to the foolness of a crazy stupid asshole. Of course I don’t say a word, I just remain quiet while they talk. Clarke’s gaze is on me all the time, I know. Nevertheless, I don’t want her to look at me right now. I don't want her to see this. I don't want to get my hopes up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you on Monday!


	6. In which I need to host the Oscars and movies are not cool.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6
> 
> Menu:  
> \- Uncomfortability in a bitter sauce of hate.  
> \- Kick ass salad (letuce, olives, poached eggs, plums, passonifruit and a big red tomato).  
> \- Dessert: a broken heart.

 

**March 25 th 2015\. **

As dinners with my family go, I think this is not the worst. One day I’ll tell you about that one, it was an epic disaster. This dining room looks like the one from the Titanic, not only because it’s the epitome of HUGE but also because of the fancy, golden decoration. There must be at least a hundred people here, damn. However, even being in a beautiful place where I couldn’t even dream to be a few years ago is not powerful enough to beat my bad luck. For some unknown reason, Wallace is super friends with Marcus Kane (yeah, Clarke's stepfather) and the fucking fate has made them sit ungodly near us. In the same part of the “u” form table, to be more precise. As dad used to say, birds of a feather flock together. Marcus doesn’t look like a bad guy, though, but I understand why Clarke doesn’t stand him. Mother is now talking to Abby about us as if we weren’t right there, 'for a change'. Really, the doctor’s pride of her daughter is blatant, Clarke’s really lucky even if she doesn’t see it yet; although I guess every family bond is different.

"… one day she might even rule this country." What the fuck, mother? I stopped listening to her a while ago but what? Abby has looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I can hear Finn almost spitting his water next to Clarke, who is in fact in front of me. If I roll my eyes the way I want to, they may not come back to their place so I decide against it.

"She’s all a commander, huh?" Clarke whispers before she takes another sip and Finn frowns. She’s too cute for this world, damn it.

And then the second dish arrives. Awww, Greek salad! While is true that I’m loving the food, my parents are here observing me all the time because, and it couldn’t be otherwise, I swear they know something. What has betrayed me? Maybe the fact that I can’t stop looking at her, or perhaps it’s been just a weird sixth sense of my mother. I don’t really care, I can only touch wood for her not to do something stupid. Oh, an olive!

 

Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten the feta cheese, I’m feeling sick. Oh, wait, perhaps it’s not the salad’s fault. As I’ve said before, this dinner could be much worse. Finn and Clarke could be there practically making out over the table to make her stepfather uncomfortable. Oops, no, that’s happening right now, right in my face… Well, they’re just being awfully disgustingly cute. Not that I think they’re cute (I don’t think that word could ever apply to Scumbag), they’re just… Ewww, ewwwww, eeewww! Never mind, I’ve just seen something that makes me want to throw up. It could be worse, for sure, Professor Jaha could be there with his son, Wells. Oh, wait, that’s checked to. What a nice guy! He has succeeded in separating Clarke from her alien-parasite-extra-limb. Good, good. Now, keep your eyes up her nose and your hands away and I’ll love you. Come on, Lex, it could be far worse. Octavia could be there secretly texting Lincoln, Raven could be sitting next to me, making sexual innuendos about me and also Clarke could be perfectly close to the wench in question and my parents could be within earshot too, Monty could be laughing at them and Bellamy… I’ll shut up, everything I’ve said is happening at once and it's awfully overwhelming. But YES it is still worse, now my mother is trying to sell me to Elbowus or something. Gee mum… Hey! I’m worth of more than two camels and ten sheeps, please, at least add a cow to the price! Poor Bellamy, he seems to be very uncomfortable and I’m just sitting here in silence, observing the absurd scene all disaffected. Well, that will be my revenge for the raccoon eye. The only thing he has to do is let her talk and not…

"It’s a lovely idea, Mrs. Wallace, but I don’t think your daughter is interested in me."

… fuck it up. Well done, Bell, well done. Oh, damn it, I can’t be angry at him right now, I’m a softie. Poor thing, I don’t think that I’ve ever heard him saying “lovely” before. I sigh calmly and he looks at me all confused, like a newborn puppy. Ok, now I feel guilty. You bastard puppy guy…

"Nonsense, my dear boy." Her gaze meets mine and I know that a few years ago I’d have frozen. But not now. "Am I right, honey?"

"No, mother, you’re wrong."

"See?" And she realizes. "Oh, excuse my Alexandria, she’s always joking."

And now Octavia and Raven are putting all their energy in not to lose their shit in front of everyone. I’ll kill them later, now I have to deal with… ok, now Cromagnon man is trying not to laugh. I’m clearly the butt of the jokes in this group of friends… ok, ok… keep laughing, I hate you all. At least Clarke is too busy talking to Wells and Finn is too jealous to listen to this absurd conversation. I snort and leave my fork in the plate.

"Mother, can you please stop?" I ask quietly, I don’t want to lose it and make a scene. "Bellamy is just a friend."

"Well, sweetheart, that’s how everything starts…"

"My apologies, Mrs. Wallace, but I don’t believe that your daughter could ever feel anything else for me but friendship, especially after I unintentionally elbowed her in the face…" He’s trying and I appreciate that but my mother is too headstrong for common sense, "…, for which I’m absolutely sorry."

Not enough for her. Let's be honest, it's not enough for me either.

"You know what it’s said: those who fight, love each other." The fucked up part of this is that she means it.

Are you fucking kidding me?! He elbowed me in the eye! I COULD HAVE LOST MY EYE OR EVEN MY LIFE! Bellamy’s face is epic, almost as baffled and disgusted as mine; Octavia is obviously offended (I wonder whether it’s because of the rudeness of my mother towards me or the implication of violence mixed with love… Maybe both?) and I feel Raven’s body stiffening next to mine. I articulate a mute apology towards Bell and decide to shut up even if I want to slap her until she stops being that brainwashed person. I hate her, I hate her with all my heart. Raven caresses my forearm to comfort me and I just grimace, there’s nothing else I can do after all.

Quickly, a bunch of waiters and waitresses invade the dining room and take away our plates. Dessert time! As you can imagine by now, my mother hasn’t allowed me to eat it all and I’m really hungry again. I need glucose for functioning after the almost-crash, for fucks sake. Oh, brownies! Lexa definitely likes that. Do you know what else Lexa likes? Clarke. She’s still talking to Wells, the nice boy to whom we all must thank the jealous aura Finn’s giving off. Scumbag looks at me for a brief moment and I show him a wide, blissful smile. Oh, dear Gaia, this is one of the pleasures of life. I’m still hungry, though, and there’s no more brownies. Well, there is one more in my plate but it represents half of the dish and my mother’s gaze is already on me so… My stomach clenches. I want a hamburger.

 

 

**March 26 th 2015\. **

Oh, it’s midnight. No one told me that there was going to be a party after the dinner. Well, it’s a 'party', an old people's one, with champagne and low music in the background. Luckily, mother allows me to be with my friends provided I’m where she can see me, just like a prisoner guarded by two policemen. We’re all in a corner. Well, almost all of us because Octavia’s long gone to her party date with Lincoln&co. and the disgusting couple is upstairs. I would be a little annoyed if I didn’t know that they’re doing basically nothing. Regarding the rest of us, Raven is talking to Bellamy on the couch, or distracting him not to notice his sister’s absence, and I’m listening to Wells Jaha and Monty talking about The Hunger Games. It seems like Jaha Jr. has known Clarke since they were kids and they’re still very good friends, just friends even if his father would like them to be something more. What are they…? Hide and cry? Oh, boys, you have no idea of war.

"… telling you." Wells insists, one hand rubbing his chin. "When the signal sounds you must never try to get a weapon in the Cornucopia, it’s a sure death. You must find water and food, maybe steal a weapon, and hide until they all kill each other."

"And what if someone finds you and you are unarmed, huh?" Monty replies, not so calmly. That’s so not like him… weird. "You need a weapon, then water, food and hide."

"You both are forgetting that they can send you animals, poisoned fog and things like that." I intervene and they turn to listen to me. "First of all you should find water, then steal or make a weapon, then hunt and find some fruits. Once you have food and water checked, find a safe place to hide and spend the rest of your time destroying the supplies of other tributes, stealing their weapons, setting traps… That would also make you be worth of Capitolium people’s help."

"But some of them are in teams, it’s too dangerous." Wells has a point, but of course I have my answer prepared beforehand.

"You could get in one too, but not telling them where do you hide. When they were of no use anymore, you could just easily kill them and take the supplies and weapons."

"But that’s… Would you kill your own team just like that?" Monty’s voice shows surprise, I don’t really know why.

"The Hunger Games is not really a game, you know? It’s a war." I clear my throat and take a sip of water. "Victory stands of the back of sacrifice and they would have to die anyway…"

We all hear an uncommon loud sound and turn our heads. Raven and Bellamy are not here anymore, so they can’t be the source of the nois. It must have come from upstairs. We go to the hall and see an agitated Clarke being followed by Scumbag. All his face is red in anger. What the fuck is happening? Wait, Clarke’s eyes are glassy. WHAT THE HELL HAS HE DONE TO HER?!

"Come here, Clarke," Finn mumbles, trying not to make a scene. "Don’t you dare running away."

Dare? This guy is definitely nuts, I’m going to kick his ass so hard I’ll send him to the moon and that’s how we all are going to finally get rid of him. I leave my cup of water on a nearby table and go back to them. Clarke is very nervous, she’s almost shivering, oh my goodness. Monty is next to the girl not knowing what to do while Wells is trying to approach Scumbag, who doesn’t even seem aware of our presence.

"Clarke, this conversation is not over, come here."

"I have told you all I had to say, now you need to calm down and we’ll talk tomorrow," she answers. It’s incredible how she can talk like this, so severely even when she’s clearly on the edge of tears. She’s incredible.

"Clarke." He tries to grab her by her wrist but Wells blocks him.

"Hey, dude, stop it." His voice is very calm but all his body is tensing at that disgusting show. "She’s said she doesn’t want to talk to you today anymore, don’t make a scene…"

"Oh, ok, see? Your charming knight in shining armor, isn't this delightful?" What the hell, man? Uh oh… Finn turns abruptly and punches the poor guy in the face.

Ok, I didn’t expect Finn being violent, none of us did, God will be very angry at him so he’ll feel guilty later. Good to know. A second one and Wells ends on the floor, possibly trying to process what has just happened while wiping the blood of his lip. Monty tries to grab Finn’s arms to stop him but he pushes him and goes in the direction of Clarke to… I don’t know, I don’t care, I won’t allow it. I run and yank from Clarke to put her behind me, then, he gives me a ferocious look that I crash at the same time I do it with his nose. Yeah, I’m sure I’ve heard a crack, I just hope it’s not been my right hand. Fuck, punching people hurts like hell! I shake my hand but I can’t shake off the pain. Fuck! Fuck!

Oh, no, Finn’s recovering from the shock. I didn’t want to do this but… Yes, my knee has gone directly to his belly and he’s bent, so I push him and he hits the floor. I’m not fond of kicking boy’s balls if it’s not needed, although maybe I should have done it this time to prevent him to have children and invade the world with little scumbags. I turn to check out how Clarke is doing. She's surprised, I can tell. Her widened eyes are looking at me in a weird way that I can just hope is not fear. To calm her down and ensure she doesn’t hate me right now I offer her my hand. She looks at it and for a second I think she’s not going to take it but then I feel her soft touch and guide her outside the club. The parking lot attendant brings my car and I drive down the mountains very carefully, my hand and my neck can’t afford another scare tonight. Where am I going? I don’t really know, I just thought Clarke needed to get away from that place, at least for a while.  

"Lexa, you’re hurt." She touches my red, swollen knuckles and I tense my jaw trying not to whimper.

She quickly gets her hand off and looks at me in silence. I must say that I’m a little ashamed of what’s happened with Finn, I don’t know if I actually did well hitting him, violence is not the answer, I should know that taking into account that I intend to be a politician. Oh, fuck. Clarke would be a better politician than me, she is so calm even in this difficult moment that it almost scares me. I take a curve, my hand hurts. Fuck.

"Is it ok if we go to that roundabout and go back to the backyard of the club? No one goes ever there and they all would think we’re gone," Clarke finally asks, her hands on her lap.

Perhaps that’s for the best, I'm kind of shuddering. I nod and do what she says so fifteen minutes later I pull over on a little parking in the backyard and leave the key on the contact. I don’t recall having been alone with her in a long time, although this situation is everything but ideal to make any advance. I turn to watch her, illuminated by the car’s lights and she averts my gaze. Not a good start.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" I ask, trying to be the softest I can.

She tiredly rests her head in the headrest, unfastens her seatbelt and looks at me but she doesn’t say a word. Okay… I do the same and lean my seat back a little bit. Now my neck’s better although my hand still hurts. I can’t move it. Wicked.

"He was jealous and we had an argument, it’s not a big deal." Not a big deal?Stupid bastard, I should have kicked his balls. Wait, I don’t like that look. "You have nothing to say?"

"Excuse me?"

"I thought you were going to huff and say something like 'bastard' or at least you’d tut." Even if her tone is a little aggressive she’s being hilariously honest, I must say, although there isn’t anything remotely funny in this conversation.

"I’ve already punched him, I think I made myself clear enough about this situation." I take a deep breath and I can smell her perfume. Lexa, not now. "Do you want me to do that?"

"No, of course not." It has taken her a spell to reply, though.

"Is there anything else bothering you?" Oh! Ok, she's looking at me with fire in her eyes, not the I'm-going-to-fuck-you-right-here-right-now kind of fire but more like the I-hate-you-and-you're-gong-to-die-alone one. "Are you mad at me?" She is not… is she?

"Yes, Lexa, I’m mad at you!" Now she’s shouting, why is she suddenly shouting?

"Why?"

She looks at me in the eyes for a second and takes a deep breath. I don’t know what’s on her mind in this moment but I can say it’s definitely not good, at least for me.

"Because you have beat my boyfriend, Lexa, and I love him," she says slowly, like if that was necessary for me to understand it.

HOW ON EARTH OR THE SPACE CAN SHE LOVE HIM?! We have just had to run because he was behaving like a fucking beater and she says she loves him. I really thought she was smarter than that. Now I’m the bad guy, the devil and he’s a little angel whose ass I’ve unfairly kicked off.

"Why?" Ok, that just came out of my mouth. I don’t even know if I want to know the answer.

She’s quiet, she says nothing. She doesn’t even know why?! She averts my gaze again and looks through her window for so long that I almost think she’s going to get out of the car and leave me here without a reply, an explanation or anything. Not that I have any right to ask for one but… Why is she so quiet, damn it?!

"Clarke", I want to put a hand on her shoulder but even I know it’s not a good idea so I just touch her arm briefly. "How can you love a boy who never let you do what you like and is violent when he gets jealous?"

"He just grounds me." She means it but I find it difficult to believe, he always gets on my nerves. Then she turns to face me and her expression is so serious that I know I’m meddling and I should just shut the fuck up. "And you are not the one to talk."

"I did what I had to do to protect my friend," I answer dryly and try to show no emotion on my face, it’s for the better but… I can’t help to sigh. "Furthermore, I’m not the one you’re dating so… it’s not the same situation."

We stay like that for a while, quiet, looking at each other hoping for the other one to say something because none of us wants to be the next to talk, for sure. In my case, I think I’ve talked enough for tonight, or this week, maybe this month but surely not this year, I couldn’t do that. This is so frustrating, even if I want to yell at her, scold her, telling her that she’s being stupid because that guy might seem to adore her, he can flatter her every day of her life but in practice he is a douchebag. He doesn’t let her drink, he gets pissed when she wears what she likes and he gets jealous if she talks to any other guy who isn’t a known friend of hers. If she were dating Bellamy I may be able to understand her, he can be a Neanderthal man but he’s also a puppy guy and I know for sure he would never hurt her, not even unpurposely. I wouldn’t understand her if she were dating Jasper though, but Monty, Gustus, Lincoln, even Wells, good guys, you know? I mean, I know she’s never going to date me for obvious issues related to my vagina and breasts but if she has to date a boy, why has she had to pick the most obnoxious and hypocritical of this entire fucking planet?!

"I’ve been talking to Raven," she says abruptly and my heart stops. "She told me you had been having some serious problems to sleep."

"Yeah, that’s… It’s fine now." Straight face, Lexa, neutral expression.

"She told me you’ve been feeling guilty because of what happened in that party."

Ok, ok, ok…ok… ok. First of all, Raven is going to be so dead and her spirit will be so useless that she isn’t going to be ever reincarnated, not even as a protozoa. Secondly, I won’t trust anyone ever again. What do I do now, huh? I’m a coward with her so, as expected of me, I just decide to play dumb.

"And what did exactly happen?"

"Lexa…" A sigh. "I lied to you, I didn’t black out I just…" _S_ he remembers everything, thanks Gaia. Wait… what? "I freaked out, that’s it. I’m not gay…"

And the Oscar goes to… drum roll… Clarke Griffin because of her astounding acting skills! My mind is a blur right now, I can’t think straight. I… what? I don’t know what to say, I’m so baffled if I were a pokemon I’d hurt myself in my confusion. Ok, easy, let’s process her words one by one. She remembers what happened, so as Raven said, she wasn’t so drunk. Did she know it when she stargazed with me? I’ll probably have to ask her before I murder her, maybe while I’m torturing her. Even if Clarke was watching me living like a zombie from The Walking Dead, she kept lying to me and playing dumb because she was scared…

"Scared of what exactly, Clarke?" My words are so dry there's a high probability I'll get to see a tumbleweed passing by my side. Oh, my angry but calmed tone has taken her aback? Too bad.

"I… I was just curious…" Yes, folks, I quirked an eyebrow at the straight curiosity™, "… and then I was a little drunk and I thought: why not?. And…"

In conclusion, I’ve spent the worst month of my life suffering due to something I actually didn’t do because she was aware of her actions and she wanted it because she was bored. 

"So instead of explaining the situation to me and politely asking for a kiss, you decided to go all for it and not only kissing your lesbian friend but also making out with her to end up skipping bases and almost fucking her in a frat boy's bathroom."

"I’m so, so sorry, Lexa."

She does look sorry, more than that, she looks defeated but it’s not nearly good enough. What the fuck is wrong with her? Is this something inherent to straight girls or is she the only one so damaged to play with a friend’s feelings like that? I can’t even look at her anymore because I’m… I’m beyond pissed off, I’m furious, I’m… Fucking stupid. I’ve been blindly adoring this girl for almost two years and the only thing I’ve got is rejection, mockery, a false friendship and a dangerous lack of sleep. I cover my eyes with my hands in desperation. GOD DAMN HER!! Lexa you’re so fucking stupid…

"When you ended the… kiss I realized what I’d done and…" She releases the deeppest sigh storaged in her lungs, "… and that I didn’t dislike it so I got scared and ran away. I thought lying you was the safest option, I’m really sorry."

Yeah, yeah, keep repeating that… WAIT A MINUTE. Has she just said that she liked it? Oh, well, that she 'didn’t dislike it'. What if there’s a tiny… No, Lexa, stop it now, this ends right here, right now. She is straight, she will never like you, not the way you’d want to, and you’re fucking hot and such a great kisser that your kiss confused her and she got scared. That’s what happened. She’s straight, she also did wrong and… I know how it feels being confused. I’m such an idiot.

"Clarke, it was just something that can happen to… well, some people I guess, when you get drunk. It’s not a big deal." I slowly turn to look at her, she’s been crying, her eyes and face are wet. Fuck my life… Her blue eyes meet mine but I can just feel sadness and maybe a bit of betrayal. Why do I have to be such a nice girl? "Lying to me, though…"

"I know, I know and I’m so sorry…" Gaia damn it, I can’t even…

"Clarke, it’s been a long night so let’s make things easy." She shuts up, it’s something. "Promise me that you’ll never do that again and I’ll forgive you."

"Do you mean lying to you or kissing you?"

Fair enough. No, actually I don’t know either. It’s about time that I do a definite decision, isn’t it? I’ve been torturing myself for too long and it’s enough, I’m fed up. I’ve been cruel to myself for years and I really need to start loving myself a little more because if I don’t do that I won’t be able to love anyone in a healthy way, not in this blind suffering one. I take a deep breath and exhale sharply.

"Both," I reply but I need to add another thing. "Never again."

She looks at me visibly confused at first but then her face lights up and she offers me a shy smile followed by a hand.

"I promise."

So easy that it hurts. I take her hand and squeeze it a little to end up hugging her. I have to understand and learn that this is the only way that I will be with her, the closest I will be to her and that’s exactly what I need. I won’t lie and say that my heart isn’t broken because it is, in a million little pieces and I can hear it breaking a little more when I her breath warms my neck but this situation was just insane and I need to escape from my shy and lonely shell to start living a healthy life. Otherwise, I don’t know if my heart will be able to break for a third time. The thing is that I don’t want to lose a friend, that will be the rough part but I know I’ll make it, I always do. She kisses my head and separates with more shedding tears in her eyes.

"So, we’re fine?" The hope in her voice makes my wrecked heart clench but I have to force myself to smile.

"We are," I reply with self-confidence and open my door. I'm probably not, not yet. "Now I have to go with my parents or my mother will have a stroke."

We leave the car and walk together to the main entrance, silently because of the sudden awkwardness. I didn’t expect anything different, actually. For some reason, I feel my heart beating slowlier, like it’s physically damaged and the remaining parts of it aren’t strong enough to make it work properly. I thought this devastating feeling was an exclusive thing of movies, not even my crush on Costia made me feel this bad. She wasn’t my friend, though, she didn’t even know my name.

"I’ll check out how they are," she says on the base of a great stair and I turn to go back to the party. "Just one more thing." I stop and turn again, unwillingly and slowly. I don’t feel like seeing her face anymore, not right now. "Did you like it? The kiss."

Is this question really necessary, girl? I loved it, if you want to know it, it was the best thing in my life, unfortunately for me. But I can’t tell her that, can I? I force myself to roll my eyes and walk away. I’m just so tired of my life today that I just want to get home and lock myself in my bedroom for days, alone in the dark. Forever. Under a rock. Don’t cry, Lexa, don’t you dare.

"Lexa!"

"Asking a question doesn’t oblige to answer it, Griffin."

Griffin? Yes, that’s what I’ve said and I guess this is how it’s going to be from now on.

 

 

**May 30 th 2015\. **

The soft crunches of pop-corn being chewed are music to my ears. We have decided to take a break from our rough finals-study to watch a movie, a bad one, so bad that I don’t even remember how it’s called or what’s happening and instead of watching it I’m playing with my phone. Of course, by 'we' I mean Clarke and I because the rest of our beloved friends started studying last week and Scumbag and I are not two to be in the same space for too long so… yeah.

Even though a lot has happened since Spring Break I’m still pissed off. Not that I plan to tell her, anyway. She’s here lying on the couch with her bare feet resting on my lap while she eats pop-corn and watches the movie. In the first half of it I’ve been braiding her hair and I must say that I’ve done a beautiful job with her blonde locks, now she looks like a Viking woman. It could seem that we’re perfectly getting along, I even accepted her offer of watching this shit to show her we’re ok, actually, but instead I’m texting Maya and Raven. The first one is being a complete cutie, as always, I may introduce her to my friends when she comes back from her German boarding school this summer. Regarding Raven, I’ll forgive her at some point, for sure. I mean, Anya has forgiven me for not trusting her and it would be very hypocritical of me not giving Raven a chance, I just want to torture her a little bit. Raven didn’t know about the kiss before we talked but she was aware of Clarke feeling guilty for something so she told her and tried to make her understand that she needed to tell me the whole story before I died. Clarke didn’t do it until a month later, though. How can someone be so fucking selfish and study Medicine?

"Who are you texting?" she asks absent-mindedly and crams a good amount of pop-corn in her mouth.

"Raven," I answer not giving a shit. "Maya says hi."

"Hmm..." She’s not a great talker lately. "Forgive Raven or she won’t study."

"I know, and…" My phone vibrates, I’ve got a text from Anya. "Oh…"

"What?", she sort of kicks the air trying to get my attention.

My finger slides to open the text and I realize it’s like a three paragraph message full of prices, destinations and train schedules. For the last month, Anya, her cousin Luna and I have been booking a trip to the beach right after the finals. Luna’s going to participate in the Women's Samsung Galaxy Championship Tour this summer and she’ll have to train in order to also participate in the Triple Crown of Surfing this winter so we won’t be able to see each other so much this year. Even if those competitions are rough I have no doubt she’s going to win at least one of them, and I don’t usually make statements if I’m not sure. She’s just too amazing to lose. We’ve known each other for nearly sixteen years; Anya, Indra, Lincoln, Luna, Gustus, Echo and I have been together almost since we were born but now people are busy. Indra has to help her mother now his father is in Afganistan, Lincoln will spend his holidays glued to Octavia and Echo and Gustus will too... not glued to Octavia, I mean glued to each other and away from us, single people. I assumed that Anya would spend her holidays with Nyko but… I suppose that didn’t work. It’s strange how things can change so much and so quickly.

"Lexa." Another kick. She won’t let me read the text.

"It’s just Anya," I mumble and sigh trying to find the line where I stopped reading. This small font doesn’t help. "Luna, she and I are going to the beach next month."

"Oh…" Maybe we could go back at night by bus… "Who’s Luna?"

"A friend…" Nah, not worth it, it’s five hours. Maybe this other train…

"A good one?" I start texting my ideas regarding the trip even if I know that now Clarke is looking at me instead of the TV.

"Ammm…"  _…_ We could go by… "Yeah…"

"No, I mean, a friend-friend or a friend-more-than-friend?"  _…_ 11.00 pm _._ Clarke sits formally on the couch and I look at her at the lost of contact. "I mean, it’s the first time you’ve mentioned her."

"She’s a friend, a sister." I insist and read Luna’s reply, a bunch of emojis of love, waves and… scissors. She’s too much. "She likes to take my clothes off when she’s drunk, though."

Actually, that’s very true. When Luna drinks alcohol she becomes obsessed with buttons, laces and zips, she HAS to undo them and she has almost left us fully undressed more than once. Have I mentioned that she’s super athletic and super strong? If she starts, she won’t stop easily. However, this year I’m stronger than ever and I would be lying to you if I say that I’m not curious about who’ll win that battle this time.

"Shit people do when they’re drunk…" She murmurs and I don’t know if she wanted me to hear that.

"Yeah, crazy." My stare goes from her to my phone and then to the TV. "The movie is over."

She follows my glance and we remain like that for a while, in absolute silence. What are we doing here, like this? We’re just fooling ourselves with this 'everything is great' game. This afternoon, the entire situation is so depressing that makes me want to run away and be alone even if it has to be in my stepfather’s mansion. I don’t know if I’m even trying anymore. It’s just that looking at her makes me… angry and sad and I can’t still help looking at her with that beautiful braid and think that she’s gorgeous and I scold myself because I know that she’s not only straight but also a selfish and stupid… princess. Do you want to know what she’s not? Neither an angel nor even a cinnamon roll, she is just a mediocre salty roll, just edible and just good enough to live in this world. I deserve more, something especial, I know I do and I’ll get it. However, that doesn’t mean that… damn, this is so difficult and her eyes are so fucking blue. Do I even want her as a friend? What’s been this afternoon aside from a total fail? I NEED that trip to the beach so much…

"Are you going to ignore me this summer?" She asks and I turn my head to look at her. Clarke looks so… far away that for a second I don’t know if she’s even talking to me. "Will you be so cold to me forever?"

That’s actually a really good question for which I don’t have an answer right now. Taking a deep breath, I lean to hug her and she hides her face in my shoulder, wrapping my waist with her arms. Not again, it’s just a hug, why do you have to do that? I look at her braid and focus on that, on the forms and the golden color. Easy… I even dare to put my hand in her head and caress the back of her neck.

"We’ll keep in contact." I whisper to the back of her ear and tense my jaw. "We also have to go on a trip all together, don’t we?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. Don't worry, things are going to get... interesting from now on. We're going to see a new face of Lexa, less naïve and more... well,you'll have to read it.
> 
> See you on Friday!


	7. In which my life turns out to be the first episode of Game of Thrones and I won’t complain about it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beach list:  
> \- Flip flops  
> \- Bikini  
> \- Sun cream  
> \- Cameras  
> \- Bottles of cool water  
> \- Patience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may or may not contain a tiny little bit of very light smut, don't worry, it's not mature.

 

**July 7 th 2015\. **

When I get out of my car and the summerhouse rises in front of me my jaw falls off and my vagina follows suit. In front of me there’s a two-floors, square, modern house almost entirely made of glass and stone, and whose garden ends right in the sea. In the water, literally. Please, wait a second, I need to check something. I run to the backyard and chuckle, of course there was going to be a gigantic swimming pool with a fucking waterfall and a huge tropical garden. In case you’re wondering what I’m doing in this paradise on Earth, I’ll tell you the creepy story I’ve been living for three weeks.

First of all, I took my finals and my grades were beyond incredible, so much that my mother stopped being a nuisance for a whole weekend and my stepfather said he was proud of me and guess who’s not grounded anymore? Yeah, me… Creepy, right? Well, you’ve seen nothing yet. The thing is that I casually told them that I might be doing a little trip with Anya and Luna this summer and they were really cool with it. Super creepy, and still you’ve seen nothing. Then I told them that some friends from their club and I wanted to go to the beach but we hadn’t really booked it and stuff so Wallace swallowed the piece of steak he was eating and stroke his hands before offering us his old summerhouse in Pensacola Beach, Florida. You know I’d do anything to be far away from them, right? He added that the house was old because he built it when he was just a teen (about ten years ago, I may add) and he didn’t use it now that he has a better one in Siesta Beach. I actually expected a classical mansion but this is… Wow!

So I told my friends around June 28th via text messages and they all were super excited about this trip because we could stay all the time we wanted. However, then Bellamy said he was going to surf and spend some time with his father in Honolulu and Clarke that she couldn’t come since she’s having some serious problems with her possessive boyfriend (because I don’t need to say that he’s absolutely NOT invited). Also, Lincoln and Octavia told me that they would just stay there a couple of days and after that they’d go to her lonely country house in Bottineau to be alone and Echo and Gustus are going to the Fall Out Boy concert and then they’ll make a trip to Las Vegas. Am I worried of them getting drunk and getting married? Yes but I’m not saying anything, it's none of my business. Can you imagine? That would be freaking hilarious! Anyway, people were backing out but I convinced Maya to come for a week and she accepted. She never disappoints me, really, she’s the best cousin ever.

And now here I am, opening the door and ready for… Oh my fucking Gaia! Everything is black and white and there isn’t a wall here, this is incredible. The first floor is occupied by two living rooms, one with views to the sea and the other one to the pool, separated by a big, dark stone dining table and is that a billiard table? It is, goodness. When I cross the first floor I see a modern black bathroom on the left, a spiral black staircase and a giant kitchen in the right corner. Woah, there is a huge double island in the middle of the room surrounded by new steel appliances and a… woah, there’s a glass wine cellar on a wall. The only thing that I can’t see is the pantry. Wait, what’s that? There’s a glass window in the floor. Yes, IN, like being part of it. Is this really a window? I look through it and see another spiral staircase, this time it’s white but… oh, gosh, it’s the pantry, the food is on the walls surrounding the staircase. Wallace told me that every Sunday he will send someone to clean the house and buy some food so we don’t have to worry about that kind of “work class” stuff. I’m sure there are cameras everywhere even if I can’t see them.

I run upstairs holding my suitcase and pick the biggest bedroom, of course. Wow, the bed it’s king size and it’s… why is it on a platform with lights? The wall is black but it has some squares of light and there’s a huge carpet on the floor that I hope it’s faux fur of a polar bear or I’ll die. I kneel down and look for anything that could tell me… Ok, it’s false, just super realistic and super expensive. I knew Mr. Dante wouldn’t let young Cage illegally buy a polar bear fur. I turn around and almost eat a weird white plant of lights? What? The entire stem is made of tiny lightbulbs. Wallace has weird tastes, I just hope not to find a red room.

What time is it? Half past eleven. Fuck, I’m late! I run downstairs and lock the door before I go back to the car. I haven’t told you yet but I’m here a day before my friends arrive with certain precise purposes. The first one is checking how the house is and where the cameras are. Yes, the cameras, I wasn’t kidding before. I’m 100% sure there are cameras in this house and Wallace plans to watch the records later. Furthermore, I have to pick Maya up from the train station. Since my dear cousin is a bit shy and I’m very familiar with that feeling, we arranged her visit this way. She’s spending this first day with me alone and tomorrow I’ll introduce her to the others. Also, I need someone to help me with the cameras' thing.

 

It’s a little weird being with her, with the physical her, after texting for so many months but Maya is that kind of people who’s equally witty and adorable by text or in person. She discovers a great spa in the second floor with a gigantic jacuzzi with the form of Mount Weather Enterprise’s logo. But there’s more. The glass wall can be moved to one side like a window and let the sea breeze in. I can’t wait to test the jacuzzi out but we decide to be polite and wait until the others can too. The swimming pool, though, is another story so we’re in right now.

“No, no!“ I scream when she jumps to the water next to me and all the water of the pool ends up in my lungs. I cough while she laughs. Ok, she’s not sweet, she’s evil. ”If I die…“ I cough, “… remember that my death is being recorded, they’ll find out…“ Another cough, “… you’re the murderer.”

“We didn’t find any cameras so…”

“So it doesn’t mean they don’t exist but they’re well hidden,“ I point out and start floating relaxingly in the water.

There’s a weird sensation running down my spine when I feel the faint sunshines of the dawn caressing my skin and the tiny drops gathering until they form a big one and fall, joining the water, the breeze cooling my tummy while the only thing I can feel or hear is my breathe. It’s peace, it’s happiness, I think, the absence of worries and problems. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I finally understand the true beauty behind this place, it’s that craved kind of loneliness lacking on sadness. Paradise.

“Aren’t you afraid of my uncle watching us while we’re here?“ I don’t reply. “There are some couples and Wallace could even watch you doing some obscenities.”

“I don’t think that there are cameras in bedrooms or bathrooms and…“ I dive in and rise again to the surface, “… why would I do any 'obscenity'?”

“I don’t know…" That evil smile is gving me goose bumps. I’m discovering her secret face and, to be honest, it’s creepy. “Isn’t that Clarke you like so much coming?”

Words, I have to process them. I haven’t told her much about Clarke, Maya is sort of my Sky Princess-free space so it’s perfectly normal that I’m surprised by what she’s said. Not so normal that I dive in again and refuse to go back to the surface until my lungs start to burn.

“So…?”

“She’s not coming and I don’t like her anymore.“ Maya quirks an eyebrow and I sit up in the edge of the pool and watch her swimming lazily towards me. “However, this is still a sore point…”

“But you say that you don’t like her anymore.“ I avert her gaze and look at the horizon, the sun has completely gone and the pool’s lights are starting to light up. It’s an amazing scene that could be astonishing if it wasn’t for the topic of the conversation. “She kissed you…”

“Maya, please, I came here to relax not to think of her anymore." She sits next to me and takes my hand with affection. “I’m fed up of this, her absence is the best thing that could have happened to me these holidays”.

“Don’t be sad, Lex.“ My cousin hugs me and I rest my head on her shoulder while a tender hand strokes my hair softly . “This summer is going to be epic, I promise.”

 

 

**July 8 th 2015\. **

How shocking, I’ve found a camera in my bedroom. Remember the weird plant-light bulb?  This morning I realized one of the stems had sort of a red spark in the end so I looked it closer and discovered a little black circle that seemed to be the lens. It’s not that I’m entirely sure of that being a camera but I refuse to take the risk so the weird plant-lamp will be out of my room until Raven checks it. I’m so glad I was so tired last… Talking about friends! They’re about to arrive and I can already hear Maya downstairs tidying the house and running from the kitchen to the living next to the sea, preparing some snacks for them. She’s a shy cutie, I’ve told you already.

“Maya, stop before you leave scorch marks in the marble floor.“ Har snort is muffled by the ring of external doorbell.

I run to press the intercom button and someone, I think it’s Octavia, shouts something like: “We’re here, bitches!”. Charming. Through the window I can see two cars entering the parking lot next to the bouncer house with some floating heads leaning out the windows. I open the door and grab Maya by her shorts to drag her outside. One by one, Octavia, Lincoln, Gustus and Echo get out of the first car and Monty, Anya, Jasper and Raven of the second.

“Hey, guys!“ I smile at their amazed faces. “How was the journey?”

“Horrible." Raven scoffs while looking around. “It could have been worst, though, I could have gone in the Diabetes car instead of spending three hours listening to Jasper singing.”

“I have the singing voice of an angel.“ Everyone laughs as if he had intended to tell a joke. He didn’t, he was really fooling himself.

“Anyway, guys, welcome to the horror house on the beach and meet my sort of cousin Maya.”

As I expected, everyone is really welcoming and actually they are very curious of her, possibly because I’ve told them a lot about my precious cousin. I had already imagined the goon face Jasper would make when he met her, but what I could never have expected is the reciprocation aura that seems to surround Maya. Definitely, this place is another dimension, these things don’t happen in real life: astonishing houses on the beach, cameras in the bedrooms, some girl liking Jasper… I just move aside and help the others with their luggage while those two look and smile at each other as if they were having a little stroke. Someone throws a backpack to me that I catch in the last second and draws my attention to what I’m doing.

“This must be a virus or something.“ I can hear Raven saying while she’s grabbing like a dozen alcohol bottles. “Hey, Commander, your car is awesome!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good…”

I leave her there, encircling it and looking through the windows. When I come back hands-free, she’s still there. Given that she doesn't look like she's going to move anytime soon, I grab the last box and make for the house.

“Raven, hurry up or you’ll have to sleep on the couch," I warn her but it’s quite more possible that Jasper does because he’s still talking to my sweet, innocent cousin and I'm not allowing any of his kinks under my roof.

“Yeah, yeah.“ Raven catches me up surprisingly soon and we leave our load in the kitchen. “You know, it’d do well.”

“Hmm?“ It must account to the fact that I’m busy filling the fridge with alcohol but I don’t understand what she wants to say.

“Your car,“ she says. “It would be a wonderful place to fuck, it’s big and seems cozy.”

You know, months ago I would have blushed and babbled but now I’m so acquainted to Raven’s innuendos and sexual comments that I’ve become kind of immune and sometimes I even find it funny playing along.

“When I find out about that you’ll be the first one to know, I promise.”

She stops placing the party stuff in its proper place and throws a shinny, weird look in my direction. I know what comes next.

“We can find out together whenever you want, Commander,“ she comments with a fruity voice. Yeah, she’s been doing this for a while now and I know perfectly why.

“Have you talked to Bell?”

Her wide, naughty smile fades away and turns into a thin line on her face. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned him. Oh, right, you know nothing yet! Elbowus Neanderthalensis and Raven have been dating… kind of for a few months, although you know how they both are, they’ve not talked at all. Fucking is good, I approve it even if it’s with Bellamy but they really need to have a conversation about where they stand because I know Raven, and I see how confused she is even if she’d never admit it.

“Not yet. He’s busy, I’m busy… we’re both busy." The girl smiles again but this time it’s not a happy smile. Immediately after, she grabs her suitcase. “I’m going to steal a room, and I’m changing into my bikini, I recommend you to do the same because this house has its own beach and pool and it’s fucking awesome.”

 

It’s almost half an hour later when we finally are together in the terrace-sort-of-query with our feet already inside the salty water. Monty and Anya start laughing and throwing water to the happy couples next to them to interrupt their subtle shenanigans, and yes, when I say “couples” I also refer to Maya and Jasper, who have not been able to talk to other people or stop smiling like fools yet. I can’t believe my eyes. No, really, I can’t. Raven has just taken off her shirt and shorts and she’s trying to dive in the fresh water. Why…?

“See something you like, Commander?“ she asks playfully when she notices my gaze over her.

“I work out much more than you do, why do you have better abs than me?“ I can’t help to whimper on my jealousy with a grouchy face that makes everyone laugh.

“You know, my genes are awesome." She chuckles and I throw some water at her with my hand that she gladly receives. "Plus, there are some special exercises that I do and you don’t want to."

Oh, she didn’t…! I start kicking the water raggedly and not only her but everyone ends up drenched and starts plotting against me to drown me by throwin water at me all of them at the same time. Noooo! I move my head and hands to cover my face from the fire and try to attack back but then I feel strong arms around me that raise me in the air and throws me back to the water on a deeper spot. Lincoln, I’ll kill you. When I go back to the surface, all drenched and coughing to expel the water inside my throat and nose, they’re all laughing. As I’ve said many times before, I need new friends. Even Maya’s laughing. You traitor. I take off my wet shirt and hit Lincoln right in the face, splashing Anya at the same time. Nice shot, Lexa. Then everyone starts whistling and catcalling me to make the pertinent joke; I don’t think most of them have ever seen me in my bikini and I have to say it, I’m fucking hot. I wouldn’t date me because I need someone less crazy than me to strike my life’s balance but I would make out from time to time with myself for sure… Forget that, I dive and swim underwater until I get to their position and grab Octavia by her ankle. I’m sure she screams before I submerge her in the water and she fights bravely until we go back to the surface. I have to admit it, this girl has guts.

That’s when Anya declares a fight and it seems like I have to give Octavia a piggyback ride. Oh, she’s very light, good. We’re a weird team but when we start, we can’t stop. Our strategy is clear, we go first against Maya and Jasper, the weakest ones, while our biggest rivals, Raven and Lincoln, fight against Echo and Gustus, who are also very strong. Actually, Monty is on Anya’s shoulders, they could help them without much trouble and then fight the couple. Oh, wow! Octavia is wild, she’s just blinded Jasper and Maya has fallen down, she hasn’t even needed to touch her.

“Good one, Okteivia.“ We high five and wait until the other fight in course ends.

Oh my goodness, Raven has just made Monty and Echo’s arms tangle and Lincoln has made Gustus teeter. Gustus loses his balance and when Echo falls, Monty and Anya follow them. We applause at the amazing technique of every wrestler, but now it’s something between us and them. When I get in front of Lincoln my brain becomes a mad blur of thoughts. He’s a fucking iron wall, where should I hit him? The crowd starts applauding and suddenly I feel the water moving. His foot. I succeed in avoiding his attack but Raven and Octavia are also fighting so I need to be careful and wait for the right moment. I keep looking to Lincoln’s eyes, trying to find a hint that tells me when and how I can knock him down, but I’m really struggling to remain steady due to Octavia and Raven’s pseudo-karate moves. The little Blake yank Raven's arm but Lincoln doesn’t expect that, so he can’t help her partner bending lightly. Enough. I push him with my body and Octavia takes advantage of the situation and throws Raven to the water.

“We win!“ she shouts while our friends cheer us. “Losers!”

 

 

**July 15 th 2015\. **

His face tells me everything I need to know. He notices my gaze and stares back; he knows that I know it, he’s lying, he must be. Oh, Monty, not even all your patience will be enough to fool Commander Lexa… I should probably stop calling myself that in my head. I look at my weapons, a mass destruction bomb; I must be intelligent to use it, though. I let a feeling go to my face, lightly, just a little move of my eyes should be enough to fool them. This is it, the final’s here and I have to make a decision so I put three more chips in the center of the table. Raven and Anya follow suit, then Maya and Jasper fold and Monty… Monty goes all in. This is my game and they’re all my puppets. Anya and I see his bet but Raven has to fold. I knew she was just bluffing.

We look at each other and they start to show down their cards. Anya has a straight flush of spades, good but not enough, my dear. I look at Monty’s eyes and I swear I need western music at this moment. My heart is beating fast from excitement, I know I’m winning this but still it’s so exciting. Then he give us a sad smile and shows me a four of kings. I sigh, it was understandable that he was so confident but… Anya tries to get the chips and I clear my throat.

“I’m so sorry but that’s mine.“ I turn my cards and show her five aces. Her face falls and I take all the fake money to my side of the table. “Oh, I think you’re bankrupt.”

“You’re evil,“ she mumbles playfully.

“Call me Satan.”

“We should have played strip poker,“ Raven insists with a laugh.

Maybe we should have, it would have been funnier. However, contrary to popular expectations, Jasper didn’t want to. It’s been pretty amazing how he has been trying to impress my cousin for so long, but even more awesome how she, being charmed by the guy, is trying to keep her infatuation subtle. You know, I’m not really Jasper’s fan but I have to admit that they look cute together. Oh, look, they’re laughing again at each other's comments. If he hurts her, I’ll skin him alive.

“A diet coke, Lexa?“, he asks me politely while putting his goggles back. He had bet them and lost them against Anya, not a good sign for future behaviors. At least the guy is trying to be nice, or an ass-kisser, I don’t really care.

“Just a glass of water, please.”

The boy makes for the kitchen and I look at Maya with a quirked eyebrow. Anya and Raven do the same and I wouldn’t be surprised if she feels awkward and uncomfortable right now. It’s just so funny…

“What?“ We say nothing, there's no need of it seeing our expressions. Maya hides her face behind a cushion, she's so sweet. “Stop looking at me like that!”

We all laugh and my friends slide towards her like the Siamese evil cats, each one sitting at one spot next to her. She definitely has no escape… Oh, those mischievous smiles on her faces, I don’t know if I should worry about the poor Maya.

“So…” Anya’s creeping me out, I can’t even imagine what Maya is feeling. “What’s going on between you and goggle dork?”

“He’s funny.” And you are a cutie, that doesn’t mean anything. Maya really needs to elaborate more her replies.

“Funny like Lex… sorry, funny like I am funny or funny…?” I lunge at Raven and block her mouth with my hand for prevent her of saying anything else. Not to my cousin, Raven!

“What Raven means is whether you like Jasper in a physical or sexual way or not,” I explain and whimper when Raven starts tickling me. “Don’t!”

Before the girl can give us an answer we all know, Monty arrives from the bathroom with the toilet brush in his hands. I lean back a little in disgust, that thing must have more bacteria than Jasper’s goggles. We don’t even have to ask, Monty knows by only look at our faces.

“I think I found another camera”, he says. “But it was looking to the sink, so there’s no problem”

Sorry, I almost forgot. We have found seven, now eight, so far: one in my room, the toilet brush, one hidden amongst the grass in the swimming pool, one in the living room disguised as a book, another one in Echo and Gustus’ room, another one in Monty’s room, another one in the entry and the last one in the dining room inside a flower. Raven says we should just hide them is a closet, she tried to find the receptor for the camera’s signal but something blocked her and she doesn’t have the equipment to play harder here.

Monty shows her the little lens and there’s no doubt, it is a camera. Out of the blue, Jasper appears and gives me the glass of water before sitting next to Maya again and giving her a mojito. Anya moves aside and lies beside me with the head on my lap and I start to lovingly stroke her hair.

“What’s up?” He looks at the toilet brush and then back to Monty. “Dude, you need a hobby.”

“It’s another camera.” Maya, so sweet and innocent. He knew, honey, he knew. “You don’t think that Echo, Gustus, Lincoln or Octavia could have done… things there, right?”

“I don’t think so, we would have known that,” Anya replies and we absolutely understand what she means. I don’t think there’s anything more traumatizing than Octavia’s screams and Gustus’ grawls. We won’t be able to sleep any more… Seriously, every fucking night until they left. Yeah, fucking, I’ve chosen the perfect word.

“And even if that’s the case I don’t think this would be the first time that Octavia’s ass is on tape so…” We all look at Raven, who give us a careless shrug. When we decide it’s actually a joke we all laugh.

“Raven, can you find out if the signal of the cameras it’s short or long distance?” I ask and she shrugs again. Great answer, engineer, great answer.

 

 

**July 25 th 2015\. **

I’ve been here almost a whole month and this really seems to work, I haven’t feel better in years. I’m relaxed, free, feeling the bubbles pleasantly hitting my back while I drink an orange juice and listen to the radio music with a beautiful girl in front of me. Don’t get so excited, the girl is Raven. She’s the only one left since she decided to stay until I went back, and she doesn’t have a car so it’s the perfect plan to avoid her problems, and by problems I mean Bellamy Blake. I can’t tell her anything, though, I’m kind of doing the same with a certain blonde whose name I won’t pronounce.

So we’re here, in the jacuzzi, suffering from a very hard life. I think Raven’s even asleep. A song starts to be played in the radio, I can’t remember its name but I think it’s part of a bso or something. It’s like… na na na... like you do, love, love, love me like you do… In my view, it’s ok but Raven seems to love it because she opens her eyes and looks at me right to my eyes.

“You need to do something with your life,” she says, as charming as always.

“Gee, thanks, Raven.” I know what she means, though. The beautiful face of a blonde girl fight to appear in my mind, but I won’t let it do it.

“I mean with your love life.” She kicks me. How can she know? “Really, you’re going to be twenty in two months, it’s very sad”.

“I’m seriously thinking of kicking you out of this house.” I snort and she moves to come closer to me. Oh, thanks goodness, I almost forgot she was wearing her bikini.

“Lexa…” She only calls me by my name when she’s being serious. I sigh, she’s right.

“I know, I know.” I do, really, but it’s not so easy. “I just… I’m shy and scared of… lady loving ladies, I know they’re not going to bite me or something but…”

“They might.” She laughs and I can’t help putting my bunched up face on. She sits next to me and leaves my drink out of the bath. At least she’s been careful not to touch my straw with her soapy hands. “I think you need a little more self-confidence, my dear baby dyke.”

“And what do I do?” The desperation in my voice is more noticeable than I expected but fuck it, she’s right.

She dives until the water is over her shoulders, then rests her head on the edge of the jacuzzi and closes her eyes. She looks very relaxed and there’s even a point when I’m not sure whether she’s fallen asleep or she’s still pondering my question. A few minutes later she opens her eyes again and looks at me with a witty smile.

“I might train you.” I quirk an eyebrow. What? Is she going to be my Hitch now? She sits properly in the bath again and turns to face me. “You know you’re hot enough to… beckon any girl, right?” I nod, I am not being big-headed, I’m being objective. I mean, luckily I have good genes and I've worked a lot to have the body I have, don't start bitching about it. “So what’s stopping you?”

“I don’t know…” I frown in my thinking and observe the water. I’m just shy, I… What if it doesn’t work? What if I say something wrong or do something…? Oh. “Inexperience, I guess”.

A smile appears in her face and I don’t know if she’s planning something evil or glad I’m collaborating. She dries her hands and undoes her messy bun, her black hair falling like a waterfall on her shoulders.

“You’re confident about your capability of getting girls but that amazing brain of yours knows that you have never done that before, so it blocks you,” she says. “The reasonable solution is making you more experienced in being with girls.”

“Raven, I know you’re a genius but it doesn’t make any sense.”

“What?”

“What are you going to do, going with me to gay bars and be my Barney? I’ll be as shy as I am now.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” She’s laughing with her eyes, she’s definitely planning something evil which I will regret for sure. It’s actually my fault for listening to her crazy ideas.

“I don’t know where you are driving at…”

She giggles, why is she giggling? Raven clears her throat and inhale as if she has to explain something too easy to someone too dumb. I’m not stupid, I’m normally pretty quick on the uptake, but this time I don’t know what she expects me to do.

“Are you confident enough to join a…say… marathon?”, she asks and I nod. This is just nonsensical. “Why?”

“Because I work out a lot and I run at least 30 km three days a week.”

“So that’s because you have trained, right?” I nod again. I must seem stupid but I still don’t understand what she’s saying. “Then what you have to do if you want to fuck/get/please in any way a girl is practicing.”

Well, that’s nothing that I didn’t know beforehand. Of course I will feel more comfortable and confident when I had got some experience in talking to girls and… you know, doing things, but there’s something that I need to do that.

“But we’re in the same situation, how can I get a girl to practice if I can’t even approach to one?”

“Who said you had to?”

Ok she’s giving me an awkward glance and a mischievous smile and I think she expects me to finally get what she’s meaning. Let’s see the pieces of this puzzle. First there’s my problem, I lack on experience in relating to girls; secondly, I need someone who teaches me; and finally, I don’t need to get a girl for her to teach me. Basically, she expects me to listen to a sapphic ghost or something because if she doesn’t I don’t really understand what she is…

“Oh…” Yeah, oh, now I get it.

Raven's smile widens and I start to feel a little pressure. So basically what she is saying is that she could teach me to… yeah… I think. I mean, the other possibility I can think of is she referring to a blonde girl I won’t name and she knows that’s a forbidden topic so that’s it. Even if it is a terrible idea, it’s not such a bad one. Let me set this out: Raven is hot, intelligent, obviously experienced, patient and understanding. Yet, she’s my friend and this could end up so badly the Earth could explode. I don’t know why I am even considering this, it’s just crazy! She must just be joking.

“I thought you and Bellamy had something…”

“He says he’s not made to be in a relationship so if he can do what he pleases I can do it as well.” She answers with that witty tone I’m starting to dislike.

So this is what it is, a inner revenge against Elbowus’ stupidity. That’s… actually fair, if she feels better that way she’s not doing anything wrong. Yet, it’s not that I don’t need this and with Raven I’d feel more comfortable than I would feel with any random girl. And this is for the best, for the greater good, I need this. So I’m really thinking about making out with Raven, one of my best friends, Clarke’s best friend… great. I must admit that a tiny part of me would like to see and take a photo of Clarke’s face if she happens to find out about this but… that’s just too low. Not as low as fake-drunk almost fuck me and then pretend to have forgotten everything in her drunkenness while watching me dying inside, though. Stop thinking stupid evil things, Lexa, please.

I’m just dying to get a girl and have a girlfriend that I love and loves me back, that’s all, and if this can help me to achieve my goal, maybe it’s something I must consider and no one can blame me for that, right?

“Are you serious?” She nods; I just wanted to make it sure. “Are you aware that our friendship can get damaged? It’s almost a foregone conclusion.”

“It doesn’t have to.” She says it as if this is so easy… “As long as we both know this is just sex, there’s nothing we should fear.”

Wow! Sex… ok, it’s not that I hadn’t gotten that but putting it into words it’s like… it’s just a big word, you know? Now my heart has started beating fast… great. Just calm down, Lexa, it’s ok, it’s Raven, it’s ok. Although I’m not completely sure of this, I feel the only thing I can do is nodding, so that’s what I do and she seems taken aback. For a second I fear she was, in fact, joking.

“I wasn’t sure if you were going to accept my offer,” she admits and then gets a little closer to me. I can hear my blood pumping in my temples, I can feel it running through my body to a place much lower than my brain. “So, can you show me your skills to give me an idea of what I should do?”

Why do I feel like taking Spanish lessons? It’s weirdly funny, I must say, but even that doesn’t make me feel less nervous. Lexa, it’s high time for you to do something, don’t you think? Raven is waiting for me, I must initiate it, I know. Come on, Commander, you can do this. I swallow and turn to face her. My eyes go from hers, brown and amused, to her thick red lips. Oh, they seem really kissable… and I had never noticed how soft her tanned skin looks. I lean a bit but I don’t get to kiss her yet; instead of that I wait, looking for some kind of consent I know I already have. I just want to let her know she can back out and it’d be ok. It may be the smartest option.

Then she caresses my arm and I press my lips against hers. It’s good, really good actually. Her lips are soft and their touch tender and interesting. She’s letting me take the lead so I capture her lower lip and bite it a little. You know I love biting, it’s stronger than me. She also seems to like it because soon she’s pulling me closer and somehow I end up pressing her against the jacuzzi. Making out inside it is very helpful, there are funny bubbles everywhere and the water stream is relaxing me a lot so I can finally focus on what I’m doing. One of my hands runs her leg up to her waist while the other one is on her shoulder, tenderly stroking the base of her neck. She’s getting more and more into it too, pressing me against her and caressing my abs, but as I lightly lick her upper lip and she accepts my tongue, everything just goes faster and wilder. My mouth goes down to her neck, not only kissing but also biting and sucking from time to time. I feel her tensing her jaw and pressing herself against my leg. This situation turns to a very familiar one. My heart breaks a little, to be honest. When I go back to her mouth and her hands go up to my breasts, I inevitably move back. I close my eyes, my breath is frantic as well as my heartbeat. I gasp trying to focus and soon I feel a tender hand in my cheek. I open my eyes and I see her, watching me with a calmed expression. Why do I always have the sensation she has felt exactly what I’m feeling? Why does she always look like she totally gets me?

“Do you want to move to the bedroom?”, she asks and everything I can do is nodding. I just can nod.

 

I’m naked, like absolutely naked. It would be more embarrassing if she wasn’t too and even more if she wasn’t straddling me when I’m lying on my bed, my wet hair spilled over the pillow. I suddenly have a strange déjà vu sensation. Where have I seen this before? Right, Game of Thrones, seems like I’m the khaleesi and I have my very own Doreah. I’m not going to complain, though, everyone should put a Doreah in their lives. Oh, Gaia, her body is amazing, her curves, her abs, her tan, her hair tickling the skin in my arm when she leans to kiss me. I’d like to touch her abs, they seem so appealing right now… but I’m terrified of doing something wrong so I just look at her smile.

“Do you know anything about safe sex between women?”, she asks and I can be very proud of myself because in fact I do.

“Technically latex gloves for fin…gering are not needed in absence of injuries,” I start, trying to sound serious not to show my nervousness. "Regarding other... practices, you can use a dental dam or cut a condom.”

“Someone has done her homework." Raven giggles and gives me a peck on the nose. “You need to remember it and getting tested from time to time in case you decide to go fucking around.”

“I don’t want to…”

“Yeah, yeah, everybody says so but we all have done it at least once in our lives.” She starts caressing my abdomen and a shiver runs through my spine. “So… let’s do this.”

I hold my breath so as to try to calm my breathing rate but it doesn’t seem to work.

“Just relax, Lex, this is not rocket science.”

 

 

**August 12 th 2015\. **

I fall down beside her, gasping, shuddering, covered in a thin layer of sweat. Every inch of my body hurts but at the same time I feel better than I’ve been in my entire life. I’ve finally understood what the big deal about sex was and I fucking love it. I have done wonders to myself, really, but this is just another level, I've just digivolved. Oh, gosh, my lungs burn. I turn my head to look at her and I gladly confirm that she’s as destroyed as I am. I watch her chest rising and falling rhythmically in an effort to catch some air, it’s a priceless show. My mouth is a desert, I need some water so I put all my remaining energy into sitting on the bed and lean over her to grab my bottle of cold water, which is next to the mattress. I could complain again about having a two heights bed but it has just proved to be very useful.

“Are… you… ok?”, I ask her and give her her bottle before taking a long sip of mine and falling back on my side of the bed.

She drinks the remaining content of hers and lazily throws it away. Staring at the ceiling, the only thing she can say is:

“I’m… fine.” Then she swallows and turns to look at me. “And you’re a madly fast learner.”

I giggle and give her a butterfly kiss on her shoulder before looking at my watch. Damn, it’s late.

“It’s almost dinner time, we should probably eat something,” I suggest and she nods.

We both roam inside the bedroom looking for some of our discarded clothes and finally make for the kitchen. I must admit that going downstairs is difficult when your legs still shiver but somehow we do it without dying. We just prepare tabbouleh and eat it sitting on the kitchen island in a comfortable silence while I try not to laugh at Raven. Yes, she’s taking a photo of her dinner to upload it to Instagram. I’m not successful in that try, though.

“Hashtag instaphoto, hashtag instatabbouleh, hashtag instaaftersex,” I mock her while chewing the tomato I’ve put in my mouth and she kicks me. “Come on, eat it.”

“Don’t hurry, my plans for tonight are having dinner and taking a shower,” she says with her mouth full of couscous.

“I’m not stopping you.” I smirk suggestively and she sighs with a wide smile in her lips.

“God, you’re like a kitten that has discovered some shiny laces.”

These days have been awesome and everything’s been because of her. I know she says that kind of things because my excitement is amusing to her, otherwise I wouldn’t do these propositions so often. I think we haven’t done anything but swimming, exercise and having sex in two weeks and, actually, it’s been perfect. At first I thought we’d end up in hospital because I would do something wrong and hurt her in some place, but fortunately everything I seem to have done is improving my skills, which is good. And consequently my abs, which is great.

Furthermore, Raven has been so understanding and patient with me I really want to make it up to her, and everything I do is not enough.

“Reivon, can I ask you something?”

“What’s that formality all of a sudden?” She giggles and nods.

“You said that you had had a crush on a straight girl, right?”

Actually this is something I’ve wanted to know for a very long time. It’s just that she has been so nice to me with the Clarke thing… Not even Anya has been like that but not because she doesn’t care about me or think my feelings are exaggerated, she isn’t able to understand what I feel having absolutely no chances of being with the person I like. It’s heartbreaking, really, and the only person who has seemed to fully understand me has been Raven. She stays silent for two seconds before swallowing and shrugging.

“Don’t we all have at some point? It’s the lady lovers’ course.” That’s her reply, but when I think she’s going to leave it there, she adds another comment. “It was maybe three years ago, she’s dating an amazing guy now and that has helped me to move on. In your case, though, I’m afraid it’s going to be more difficult.”

“I don’t see why, I’ve fully gotten over Clarke,” I say and she quirks an eyebrow. “Really, 100%”

I leave the empty plate on the sink and go to the bathroom. Even I know I’m fooling myself, but I’ve to try, right? Clarke… she is my past, she’s the one I couldn’t get because I didn’t even adjust to the requirements for entering that competition. What happened with her happened for a reason: I was too obvious; consequently, she thought she could play with me to satisfy her random sapphic impulses because she’s an egoistic bitch and I want to throw up every time I think of her. I wash my face and look at my reflection. My hair is loose and wild, an after-sex mess, my lips are still a bit swollen and bruised, and I’m wearing a wide sleeveless t-shirt till the half of my thighs with nothing underneath. Anyone who sees me so disheveled would think I’m doing something wrong but right now I’m the happiest I’ve been in years and I’m decided to enjoy this exciting trip.

I tie my hair into a ponytail and make for the kitchen, Raven’s mobile phone is ringing and she’s going to answer it. I don’t care at all. She sees me coming with a provocative and smug smirk on my face and everything she does is pointing at me, lazily trying to hold me back, still sitting on the kitchen island.

“Oh, hey. What’s up?”, she says on the phone and I grab one of her legs, starting to caress her thigh up, up, up… She gives me a warning look, but she’s not really complaining so… “Yes... no, we’re fine, it’s all the both of us now.” She tries not to sigh when I start kissing the inner part of her thighs. She doesn't fight, on the contrary, she spreads her legs. "Yes... yeah, I’ve done a monster of her.” Raven seems to have said that to the person on the phone but I know she’s talking to me. She might have turned me into something different from what I was before but she’s going to enjoy it, so I keep going up her thigh. With my tongue. “Ammm… yeah, no problem… at al…l.” No, she hasn’t bothered to wear something underneath either. “Yeah, see you in a couple days, bye”.

I stop and she looks at me deadpan for a moment, then she smiles and lies on the island. This is going to be legendary.

 

 

**August 13 th 2015\. Clarke. **

…flip flops, bikini, sun cream… Yeah, I think I have everything, if not I always can borrow something from Raven. I didn’t think I could make it but I’m really excited I’ll finally get to go to the beach with them. I really need to fix my friendship with Lexa.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on Clarke will be who tells the story.
> 
> See you on monday guys!


	8. So I’m interrupting something and everything is NOT ok, at all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8  
> Forecast:  
> \- Wind: 40 mph  
> \- Humidity: 72%  
> \- Temperature:  
> Low = 90º at 7AM  
> High = 118º at 5PM  
> \- High risk for hurricanes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, Clarke will tell the story from now on.

 

**August 14th 2015. Clarke.**

I press the doorbell trying not to drop the boxes I’m carrying. They could at least have come here to help me with my stuff; I assumed Raven wouldn’t but Lexa… She must be really pissed off and I can’t blame her, I’m a terrible person, I know. But it’s just… it’s complicated.

I hear some noises from the inside and a laugh and two seconds later I find myself looking at the most absolutely stunning thing I’ve seen in my life. Her wavy hair is loose and lighter than I’ve seen it before, a brown lock attached behind her ear by a little yellow daisy, and her green eyes shine, floating in that sea of tanned skin. For a second I’m not able to do anything, say anything and of course think of anything. There’s just something different about her, something that I don't get to understand yet.

“Hey, Clarke! Welcome to paradise,” she says, showing a wide smile on her lips and easily carries my suitcase.

That was weird, I didn’t even know Lexa could smile so much. The house is amazing, I must say. Even if I don’t really like Marcus’ friends I can’t deny this one has an impeccable taste in decoration. As well as Lexa, because those shorts are awesome, they’re… yellow and… Where’s Raven?

“Where’s Raven?”, I blurt out, staring around the incredible place.

“Hmmm.” Lexa leaves my suitcase in the bottom of a beautiful black spiral staircase and turns to look at me. “She’s upstairs, she’s… coming.”

Why is she trying not to laugh? Is this some kind of inside joke? What’s wrong with her? Really, this is so weird, the Lexa I know is always serious, conscientious and, yeah, funny but this one is… I don’t know, carefree and somehow warm and cold at the same time. Yet, she’s glowing like the sun and… it's like she's bloomed… I’m getting baffled. Soon I hear steps coming from the upper floor and Raven appears in the stairs, her hair is wet and she’s only wearing a tank top and her bikini. That must mean that… there’s a spa up there.

“Clarke,” she shouts and hugs me.

“Girl, you’re tanned,” I laugh, “and you’re soaking my clothes.”

“Oops, sorry.” Raven gives me a not-sorry-at-all smirk and I hug her again.

“Well, I’m going to lose myself in the sea, if anyone wants to join me…” Lexa’s sudden fruity voice makes my head turn to watch her.

See? Cold. There's just something aout the way she speaks that discloses the despise behind her appearance. Lexa approaches to a terrace that I suppose ends in the sea and she starts discarding her clothes on her way until the only piece of fabric remaining is her green bikini. No, I'm not drooling at that astonishing view. Yet, if I was to do that there wouldn't be anything strange with that because I'm a woman who can perfectly appreciate the beauty of people, including other women, in an utterly non-sexual way. Wow, she has a massive tribal tattoo on her back. I cannot deny that’s pretty hot.

“What’s happened here? Are you drugging her?”, I ask my friend and she replies with a frown. “I’ve never seen her so relaxed in my life.”

Raven giggles. Why is she giggling? What’s so funny? I’m afraid of what she could possibly have done to her, I didn’t think Lexa could succumb to Raven’s mischief. I guess I was wrong because there she is, blissfully bathing, with the sun reflecting on her golden, tender skin. In a second I get a flash of that night in January, the way she pushed me against the door. I shudder and turn to my friend, she’s also looking at her with that lustful look I’m already acquainted to. As if Lexa was a steak. She has always stared at her like that and I’ve always thought that she must start conceiving the possibility of Lexa not being interested in her like that because she’s certainly not the kind of girl who would risk a friendship for a one-night stand. Shit happens sometimes, it’s not funny but it’s reality. Being just friends is good enough.

“What happened, Clarke?” Her voice drags me out of my thoughts. “Why are you here now?”

Right, my reason to have left everything to go away is not very pleasant. We sit on a leather couch with views to the pool and I rest the head in my hand. It’s been a tough month, for sure, and I don’t know how to set this out. Hey, this couch is really comfy.

“I spent three weeks with my father in Ark City, it was supposed to be the whole month but there was something about a problem with oxygen in one of the new rockets and he had to go back to work." I sigh and she starts petting me, which actually is very comforting, I must say. Raven has always been like that, she has always known when to hug me or when to give me some space. She’s one of my best friends after all. “When I came back…” I swallow, “…Abby and Marcus were also back and, you know, we had a fight over the most stupid thing so I went to Finn’s.” I wait but she says nothing. “His parents where away so I stayed there for four or five days and… that was it, that was all the time we could spend together without having a fight… a big one.”

“What was this time? Did you eat meat on a Friday?” My friend scoffs loudly, I knew she would make a snarky comment like that at any time.

“You know that is weird that you make these kind of comments about his religion when you’re also a catholic, right?” She immediately stops stroking my hair to look at me with a smug smirk.

“The difference between Collins and me is that I believe in a cool, friendly God who doesn’t give a shit what I eat or who I love as long as I am a good person,” she explains to me even if I already know that. She’s right, that’s blatant, but… “That prototype of Jesus, on the other hand, believes in the fucking slaver of gods who will crush you if you love fully your partner and make them happy before marriage. And if it doesn’t work you can’t get divorced and try to find your happiness anywhere else, you better fucking endure and put up with a person you will end up hating.”

We stay in silence for a bit before she kiss my cheek and go to the kitchen. I lay on the couch for a bit, trying not to tread on the leather until she comes back with a couple of beers, two forks and a bowl full of melon. She gives me one of each and I eat a piece of the fruit. Cold and delicious. I swallow it and sit properly in the couch.

“I started texting Bell a lot, he told me what happened between you two,” I say before opening my cold beer.

“That’s why Christ got mad at you?” I roll my eyes but I won't lie to her, so I nod. “What a prick…”

“Do you love Bellamy?”

She takes her time to answer, a sip of beer, a look outside the window, another to Lexa, who is wiping the fresh droplets remaning on her soft skin with a towel before coming inside… Has she always had those abs? They’re lightly marked and damn! Wait, Raven and Bellamy, love floating in the air, focus.

“I like him,” she finally says and I quirk an eyebrow. “We have been friends for years and I had never seen him that way until… I don’t know, maybe I’m… very fond of him.” This is too cute and hilarious.

“So you love him.”

“No, I can’t if he doesn’t give me the chance,” she admits, defeated.

I haven’t seen Raven like this since… never, actually. She had a weird phase of sulkiness and snarky comments' diarrhea a couple of years ago but this vulnerability is completely new. I hug her and kiss her forehead. It looks like this summer is being really intense for everyone.

 

 

**August 17th 2015. Clarke.**

It’s been three days since I arrived and everything is just… weird. The house is awesome, I admit it, but the company is crazy. Raven and Lexa have been acting like fools ever since I arrived. When did they become besties? They look at each other and laugh for no reason, Raven gives her playfully slaps in the butt-cheek every time she passes by wearing her bikini and Lexa is NOT being herself, she’s Miss passive-aggressive mixed with a relaxed yoga junkie. What’s wrong with this place? Oh, and I haven't told you yet about that time the other day when they started wrestling in the grass in the middle of the night. I just woke up and went downstairs to get a glass of milk and there they were. I told them to stop fighting and go to sleep for fuck's sake and they started losing their shit. And I thought the rest of my friends were weird.

Before you start freaking out, no, I’m not complaining about them looking perfectly happy, I’m complaining about them behaving like they had injected in their veins all the heroin in the USA. This is just not normal, I miss crazy hyperactive Raven and the earnest and upright Lexa; these people spend all day swimming, sunbathing, exercising and relaxing in the spa, all with a huge grin in her faces. I just try to follow their weird rituals but I don’t feel so happy at all. Moreover, what’s with calling her 'Reivon'? That's not even a real word.

 

We’re sunbathing at the moment, laying face down on the deck chairs in silence. I can feel the sea breeze caressing my skin, I can hear the sound of the seagulls and smell the scent of the beach mixed with my sun cream’s. Raven’s on my right, between Lexa and me. She’s breathing slowly, she may be asleep. I hit her softly on the shoulder to make sure and she doesn't make a movement. Yeah, Raven’s asleep. I hit her harder and she opens lazily her eyes just like a baby. When she realizes where she is, she slowly stands up and goes inside to take a nap. I wonder why she’s so tired in the mornings (well, she works out a lot, that could be the reason, right?). The absence of Raven gives me a front line to observe Lexa and her golden skin crushed by that amazing tattoo I haven’t had the opportunity to examine up closely yet. Oops, Lexa has also opened her eyes and she’s looking back at me. Big green eyes silently scrutinize my figure shylessly and I feel my face turning red. Her gaze has always been so intense I have never been able to hold it for too long. I don't think she's ever looked at me like this before.

Soon, she closes her eyes again and turns her head to the other side. Damn it… Seeing her bare shoulders I can’t help remembering the dinner in the mountain club. She was gorgeous that night, not that she's not normally but she should wear dresses more often. God, the moment I saw her with her closed eyes in the car I freaked out. She’s possibly the luckiest person in the world, she could have died but she didn’t even hurt her neck. Her beautiful neck. The mere memory of the soft noises she made when I was massaging it still sends shivers to my spine. Clarke, please, don't.

 

 

**August 20th 2015. Clarke.**

Ok, I’m starting to get it, just a little bit. This place is a paradise, here you don’t have worries or limits or anything to do at all. Now we’re watching a DVD while laying on the couch, Lexa and I on opposite corners and Raven's resting her legs and head in our respective laps. I have had the chance to prove that in spite of behaving like a relaxed Buda, Lexa is still mad at me. She has been taking advantage of her periodic activities not to have much contact with me, not even during lunch or dinner. I don’t even think she has talked to me directly more than three or four times in five days and I don’t know what to do. Just great. While watching the movie, I feel a movement in the couch and see out of the corner of my eye how Lexa is getting a bit closer. This must be an advance! Now I must do something, what can I do?

Shit, my mind is blank, I can’t… Why is Lexa caressing Raven’s thighs absent-mindedly? Hey, hey, hey!! That’s going too far, don’t you think? Raven, say something! Lexa! The entryphone rings, thanks god.

“I’ll go.” Raven blissfully runs to answer it, leaving us alone.

Neither of us say a word, we just watch the movie. However, I’m sure neither me nor Lexa are really paying attention to that bitter fake-blonde girl craving to have incestuous sex with her cousin in their cottage. I wish she could just say something, I just… I fucked up. I pushed too much our friendship for actually no reason and I know it was more than wrong, it was horrible, but I need her forgiveness. I need her, she's become the nail that keeps me attached to the ground. She'sthat kind of friend who knows everything and is always sure of what's the correct thing to do whatever your problem is because she's unassuming and caring and clever, she's everything. When I turn my head determined to talk to her, Raven comes back.

“Clarke, there’s someone looking for you.”

Lexa looks at me for a second and I frown; then, Finn appears behind Raven and I can see all her body tensing beside me. When his smile widens I stand up and hug him. God, he’s doing that puppy face, I can’t even… I give him a peck and embrace him briefly again. He's here and now that I feel like a big pressure has been taken off my shoulders everything seems to be ok. How can he do that? He kisses my forehead and it just feels like home.

“What are you doing here?” I ask softly while he wraps my waist with his arms.

“That’s what I want to know.” Lexa’s lost all her inner peace at once.

It’s really interesting as well as unbelievable how someone as adorable and chill as Finn can get so on her nerves.

“I came to apologize to my girlfriend for being an asshole,” he admits and smiles at me.

God, he’s so cute I can’t help smiling back.

“That would be something to apologize for to the whole human race, now you can go.” Lexa’s being very rude, she’s never behaved like this. What's wrong with this girl? Lexa is always calm and objective, she’s like a desert in the rain, nothing can disturb her. Even if I know that she doesn’t like him, this is too much. "No scum allowed in this house, sorry."

“Lexa!” I start scolding her but Raven unsurprisingly appears to make peace.

“Well, well, it’s too late for Collins to drive again for hours to go home, why don’t we let him stay?” Even I am startled. Lexa’s too, and visibly pissed. “They can stay in the doorman house, there’s no one there now.”

They look at each other’s eyes for a while, as if they’re mutely having a conversation. Finn wants to say something but I hold him back, we have had enough arguments for a day. Finally, Lexa throws us a key and goes lazily upstairs, possibly trying to avoid looking like a child. This is absolutely not what I wanted for this trip. Shit! A little more than a year ago I thought I could boast of being irresistible. Every guy I had wanted, I had gotten him in any way I desired. But then Finn arrived and my self-esteem took rock bottom. Let me explain what’s happening, please.

 

After we cleaned a little bit the house, which is no more than a claustrophobic bathroom, a tiny kitchen, a small bedroom and what we suppose that is a study, because the door is locked, we started doing what every couple should do after a reconciliation: making out. I’m straddling him, messily kissing him, almost scratching the back of his neck in the spur of the moment. For some reason I’m fucking horny, ok? I can’t remember the last time I had sex with someone that wasn’t myself and, believe me, I used to have A LOT of it. His hands don’t move from my waist, they never do. What if…? I yank my top, stripping down to my bra and shorts and cup his hands with mine to move them up a little. Surprisingly, he lets me and then starts kissing my neck. He had never done that and, truly, it feels great. I practically rip his shirt off and start undoing his trousers. And when everything is finally getting interesting, he pushes me. Yeah, pushes, literally. I hit the floor and after a brief moment of shock he runs to ensure I’m ok. No, I’m not, I’m horny, embarrassed and I’m starting to get depressed. This is so not fair.

“Clarke, Clarke, I’m sorry, I…” The guilt is evident in his voice, I can't hear it now.

“I’m ok, Finn, really I just…” Oh, god, no, I’m feeling tears appearing in my eyes again. Fuck. “Get some sleep, I just need to…”

Somehow I stand up and try to walk at a normal pace not to storm out of the room and make him feel worse. There’s not really any place far from him I can go, though, I don’t want to see Raven or Lexa now. I don’t want them to see me like this, all flustered, disheveled and miserable. A tear runs down my cheek and I try to calm my breath, I don't want him to hear me. He can't hear me. I enter the kitchen and grab a paper towel to wipe my tears and I realize I’m not angry anymore. I was mad as hell for a brief time when we started dating but not now, now I’m sad. I’m sad because I can understand he has a strong faith but I can’t help feeling like I’m just not enough. I’m frustrated and I’m also grieved because I know he’s feeling guilty, first of all because of nearly having succumbed to “sin” and secondly, for rejecting me again. Again. Another tear I need to wipe, damn it, Clarke!

I open a drawer looking for a piece of fabric or something, I don’t want to waste all the paper towels of the handkerchief, but what I find is better. A silver key. Could it be…? I take it and open the study. Yes! I turn on the lights and what I see completely takes me aback. Ok, it turns out that this is not an office, is a room with at least twenty TVs. I sit on the chair and look down, there’s a long keyboard that I don’t understand and even a microphone. Half of the screens only show a dark grey image but the other ones shows, the entry, the pool, the seaside, the living room, the kitchen, the spa… Are those cameras? What the fuck? Look, Raven’s taking a relaxing bath in the jacuzzi. She looks relaxed for a moment but then her face tenses in a uneasy sneer. The water is moving, and those are not bubbles, why is the water moving? Something appears in the surface and it takes me a second to realize that it’s Lexa’s head. Lexa was underwater, with Raven, DOING WHAT EXACTLY?! She moves her hair back, what I think that it’s just hair-porn and totally unnecessary. Oh, now she’s getting closer to her and she… WHAT?! WHY ARE THEY KISSING?! I clench my jaw and lay down on the chair. I so need to bleach my eyes.

“Bitches!” And I don’t know why but now I’m not angry or sad, I’m furious.

 

 

**August 21th 2015. Clarke. 1:17 a.m.**

I storm in the house, stride through the dining room but freeze when I reach the spiral stair. I’ve just shut everything off and told Finn I just needed to take some fresh air and I’m here, a massive ball of wrath, just on the verge of burning down the place. How have they dared? Have they been having sex while I was sleeping in the bedroom next-door? I feel disgusted, actually I could throw up. Oh my god, I have been attending to a dirty-looks, sex-reminder show for days... THEY WHERE CERTAINLY NOT WRESTLING. Ew, eww… They… they are so dead that… I… No, you know, what? I won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me all mad and horrified. I inhale deeply and go upstairs. Oh, God, I can hear the pleasure moans and gasps from here and I'm in the opposite end of the corridor. When I suddenly open the door of the spa, they both jump in their seats, or in their seat, given the fact that Lexa is straddling Raven and I don’t know who was fucking whom but I don’t fucking care!

“Sorry for interrupting your lay but maybe you’d like to remove this before keeping on with it.” The camera should be… I can see it now.

I jump to a shelf full of soap and take one with a suspicious hole. Bingo. I don’t even want to look at them, not even to see their faces, I just force a smile and go out saying: “Have fun, ladies”. No, I don’t want them to have fun, I want to lock them in separate rooms until they apologize for what they’ve done and promise not to be closer than ten inches from each other ever again. Or ten miles. Raven and Lexa, it's... it's not natural, it's like Scar and Jiminy Cricket fingering each other. EEEWWW... eeewww... I've just ruined my own childhood and I need to throw up.

 

**2:00 a.m.**

Finn’s already asleep. I can’t, though, every time I close my eyes I see them and hear them again and again and I just want to crush something but I can’t because I have nothing of my property at hand. How could she? She’s my friend she… She didn’t even dare to make out with me. Lexa didn’t even… but with Raven she has and I know Raven is sexy and witty and cute and… Yeah, and maybe a better person than I’ve ever been, especially to her, but I thought that… Finn said that she liked me and I supposed… I’m a horrible person but this is not fair, at all. How could they do this? Behind my back. They're backstabbers, that's what they are! This is a nightmare, I feel my heart and my stomach clenching and whimpering, screaming with anger, slowly falling apart.

Someone’s knocking at the door, I know who it is and what they want. I stand up carefully and let them in. They’re completely dry by now and they’re fully clothed, which is nice. Raven looks guilty but Lexa don't, she may look a little smug even. Or maybe it's my imagination, I still can’t believe what I have witnessed.

“The monitors are over there.” I point at the office and Raven quickly goes to check it out.

I look at Lexa and our gazes meet. I can’t see a feeling in her eyes, it’s just empty. She closes carefully the door behind her and follows me to the study where Raven is already working. It seems like there are a whole month of records: pool parties, poker, dinners, Lincoln and Octavia doing it (eeeewwww…), Echo and Gustus (eeeeewwwwww…), Jasper kissing a girl I don’t know (which is surprising, really)… and finally, more than 10 hours of these two fucking in several spots of the house. I want to cut my veins, have they done anything apart from fucking?! Are they… are they fucking in the kitchen island?! I really, really hope they cleaned that because if not…

“Wow… you’ve been having a lot of fun, huh?”, I comment sarcastically.

“You don’t have an idea… Ouch!” Raven has elbowed Lexa on her ribs.

Yeah, Raven, elbow her, do it until she starts bleeding. Then I'll take care of you. At least it seems like the records have not been sent to anyone, so they’re just been recorded in a pile of DVDs that Raven will burn or explode (whatever she prefers) as soon as possible. Lexa takes one of them and starts flipping it on her hands, then she bends it and it easily breaks. So easily. Nevertheless, it will be more difficult with me, I have a fantastic memory.

 

Once we have them all and she has turned off the cameras, we go back to the house not to disturb Finn’s sleep. They sit in the couch near the seaside but I have already watched what kind of nasty sex practices happened there so I will just be here, propping myself up on an apparently secure sofa. We look at each other but no one says a word, I just want to punch them both.

“So…” It seems that I must be the one to start but I'm trying too hard not to yell at them. ”How long has this been happening?”

“About a month,” Lexa deadpan answers.

A fucking month. I’ve been texting Raven I’ve… Oh, God, no… When I talked with her on the phone she sounded occupied and I assumed that she was with a guy or something but I never thought that… Oh my god, they don't have any decency, have they? What I will have to do is to bleach my eyes AND my ears. And buy a new mobile phone.

“And you are…?”

“Friends, Clarke.” This time it's Raven who speaks. “We’re just friends with benefits… I guess.”

They stare at each other and smirk. Stupid…horrible… uuugghh!!! There’s a phone ringing and it’s not mine.

“It’s ok, Clarke, this won’t last,” Lexa says all disaffected. How can she be like this?

“It's Bellamy, I have to take it,” Raven says and goes to the kitchen to get some privacy.

Now it’s me and Lexa alone, and contrary to what has been happening these days, now the atmosphere seems to be less dense? I don’t understand anything, this should be exactly the other way. I won’t bleach myself, I’ll bleach her, she needs to clean all her body and her crazy mind, purify herself from all these... these... sins.

“How can you…?”, I start asking.

“Why do you even care?”, she asks back.

“Because you are my friends, I don’t want you to end up all hurt and angry with each other.” Lexa quirks an eyebrow at my speech. No, I’m not that oblivious to not see that’s exactly what’s happening to us.

“Clarke, we’re just fucking, it’s not like one of us is in love with the other, that’s not me and certainly that’s not Raven.” I didn’t expect that harsh reply, not from her.

What does she mean by saying that _that’s not her_? That’s exactly her! She's sensitive and romantic and absolutely not the kind of girl who just fucks around.

“Why are you so mad at us? We didn’t hurt you in any way and certainly we didn't hurt each other.”

Yes, you did hurt me. I mean, no, they didn’t, I guess. No, they lied to me and they were doing... things while I was in the house. Although Octavia and Lincoln have done that a thousand times and I haven’t… Yeah, why do I care? It’s not like they have done something against me, they’re both free, adult women who can do whatever they want with their bodies, even tangling them in each other. Maybe I’m just mad because they’re having more sex than I am, it must be that because I’m frustrated and anxious and… HEY! This was why Lexa has been so relaxed. Everything in this house looks filthy to me now. And why is her gaze so intense? Stop! I don’t need to understand my feelings, I’m just pissed and want to rip their heads off. It's pretty ok to me.

“I’m mad at you becau…!” Raven’s back before I can really start yelling at the obnoxious girl I intend to kill, and her smile is diabolical. “Are you ok?”

“Bellamy called, he’s back and he wants to talk to me tomorrow.”

“Is he coming too?”, Lexa asks. I must say that I expected more jealousy in her voice or something but there’s none, actually. That's a little relieving, I guess. Because that means that the lie is not SO big, of course. This could be a one-holiday thing... sure... I still want to punch them in the face.

“No, I’ll probably go back with Collins.” Raven looks at us, something sparkling in her eyes. It better be love for Bellamy. “If you two want to stay…”

The mere idea of staying here in this paradise alone with Lexa is as appealing as chilling. I can’t.

“No, I’ll go back too, I…” Lexa’s looking at me, I know, I feel her green eyes on me. “I want to spend a little time with my mother and Finn before my vacation ends.”

 

**10:00 a.m.**

We have already packed everything and Raven has explained Lexa how to fool Wallace installing false videos in new DVDs. She’s staying, I guess the next time I see her will be in the faculty. Even if I’ve had hours to calm down, my fury isn't any smaller, at least with Lexa. Raven... she's Raven, that's what she is. However, I can’t deny that part of me wants to stay, the same part that will miss her a lot the rest of the summer. She helps us to load our things in the car and hugs Raven.

“I’m sorry for leaving like this,” Raven says, caressing her cheek. That’s not friendly! I hold back the groan slowly building inside my chest and turn to Finn, he looks confused.

“I’m just sorry we didn’t get to dishonor my car.” Lexa smiles and I swear I’m going to puke.

Then she hugs me briefly, which is better for her because I could choke her right now, and goes back to the house. Looking at the mansion disappear behind the car, I have a sensation in my stomach that I don’t like at all and I can’t understand.

 

 

**September 2nd 2015. Clarke. 1:25 a.m.**

There’s a mosquito in my room that doesn’t let me sleep. It’s so dead… I turn up the lights and grab my flip flop; then I wait in silence, all my senses focused on the fucking insect. Where are you, little flying demon? I can hear it, it’s on my desk. There it is!! I hit it with all my energy and it ends up squashed on the wood. Done, nobody messes with Clarke Griffin. What’s that? My phone is shining, I have two texts from Finn wishing me a good night, a comment on Facebook and… Lexa has uploaded new photos to Instagram. Seven, to be more precise.

I won’t… I won’t look at them, it’s 1:30 in the morning, I won’t. To be honest, I have already grabbed my phone, it's too late to go back now. Oh, she has uploaded photos seven days straight and this is utterly peculiar because she normally doesn’t use Instagram. What is…? Cool, seven photos, in each one with a different girl. Is she making a collection or something? She doesn’t even have good taste, these chicks can be hot but they all look dumb. Yeah, dumb, the typical beach hotties. Just disgusting. Oh! She has gotten a new tattoo, it’s a tribal bracelet. It’s cool but, what is she doing with all those stupid girls? No, the best part of this is the commentaries section.

> **@SteelReyes:** Good hunt Commander
> 
> **@SteelReyes:** Remember what I told u though
> 
> **@QueenO:** OMG Leksa, well done grl. Its said dat read heads r the wildest ones *wink wink*
> 
> **@AnyaTargaryen:** Have I just heard heavenly sounds?
> 
> **@Bell_Blake:** No but Im sure she has. They came from the ginger
> 
> **@MontyPC:** You’re beautiful in this photo, Lex
> 
> **@LexaT:** Thanks, Monty

There’s a picture of her in her bikini with a girl with purple hair who is practically raping her in the beach. Well, she’s just wrapping her by the waist but she's touching far too much skin. Anyway, I have just seen another one with a girl with short hair and tattoos. It seems like Lexa doesn’t really have a type, she just fucks every girl she bumps into. Oh, I thought the comments where amazing in the photo with the ginger one but in the fourth picture they’re even better. In this one she's with a blonde girl who has a dragon tattoo practically in her vagina.

> **@Gustus_G:** Whr did dat tattoo ended?
> 
> **@Echooftheforests:** Im gonna guess her vagina
> 
> **@Indra_TT:** The vagina is an anatomical inner part of the female body, that would be impossible.
> 
> **@Lin &coln:** Thank you Indra for sharing your wisdom
> 
> **@Indra_TT:** You’re welcome.
> 
> **@GoggleMaster:** No really where?
> 
> **@ItsMaya:** My, my, Lex… =)
> 
> **@GoggleMaster:** Im sorry
> 
> **@ItsMaya:** Why?

That’s what I’m wondering. Why? Why on Earth?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you on Friday!


	9. So I’m 100% done with this situation and I swear to God I’ll put a chastity belt on her.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9
> 
> Halloween costume ideas 2015:  
> \- Slutty werewolf  
> \- Slutty witch  
> \- Slutty dead plumber  
> \- Slutty dead prostitute  
> \- Slutty pumpkin  
> \- Slutty dead mechanic  
> \- Vampire  
> \- A series' scary character
> 
> Because some things never change

 

**September 10 th 2015\. Clarke. **

New year, new beginning. That's how we students measure our lives, in college years. I don’t feel prepared to start again, to spend long hours studying without any rest to get mediocre grades. And it’s only Pre-Med. No, Clarke, don’t get depressed, you can do this, girl. Nobody said Medicine was easy, right? Even if it is unnecessary, Abby insisted on coming with me to the dorm to help me with my luggage and stuff. I guess she’s trying to rebuild our bond but I don’t really feel like it so… She just doesn’t need to try so hard. The car trip from home to TonDC University has been so silent I hope she has got the hint. I will never forget her despicable betrayal, sorry. She pulls over and I get out of the car the most quickly my numb legs can afford to get my things from the trunk. She’s still inside and doesn’t seem to intend to come and help me. The trunk opens. Gee, thanks.

“See you on Christmas”, I say once I have taken everything and start making for the building.

“Clarke!”, mom shouts and gets out of the car.

I turn to look at her with a frown and find her body wrapping me in a tight hug. I’d be lying if I said that I’m not startled for the first ten seconds but then I give in and hug her back. Yet, I’m afraid it’s not enough to forgive her. When she releases me and looks at my face I can see the sadness in her eyes. Not enough. She kisses me on the cheek and goes back into the car.

 

Of course the elevator would be crowded and I would be forced to get to my room using the stairway. I’m exhausted, panting, trying to keep hold of my life with my lungs burning and my legs aching. I have a lot of things, ok? And I had to carry every single one up three floors. I’m finally (finally) here, though, so I open the door craving to lay in my bed for at least an hour and… MY EYES, MY EYES! I’m having a kind of déjà vu, much to my dismay. I will never be able to forget the horrible image of Bellamy’s white ass. NEVER.

They hurry to cover themselves under the sheets while I cover my eyes with my hand, trying subtly to rip them off. I don’t want to see anythng anymore. Like anything, at all. Oh, my eyes, my brain, my everything.

“Clarke! You’re early…”

“Raven Middlename Reyes, again? Seriously?!”, I angrily yell at her.

“Again?”

“Bell… Clarke, I’m sorry.” I can’t see if she really means it because my eyes are still sealed but whatever.

“Yeah, yeah.” I leave my things in the floor and fumble to the door. “I’ll be back in half an hour, when I had got glass eyeballs.”

The door makes a noisy sound behind me and I inhale deeply. Ever since they started dating officially she has told me not to tell anything about her thing with Lexa and I don’t really know why. I mean, Bellamy knows she’s bi and he’s cool. Plus, Lexa was just her ‘friend with benefits’, right? I scoff at the thought. When I get to the stairs I stop on my tracks. Finn doesn’t arrive until noon and Octavia must be with Lincoln if Bellamy is… with Raven at this very moment. What if…? So instead of going to the cafeteria or the patio, I’m brave and go up to the fifth floor. It’s not weird or inappropriate, my friends live here. I suddenly have the urge to have a word with Anya, even if we’d talked via text we haven’t seen each other in the whole summer and I’m dying to see her and Echo, Monty, Indra… First of all, Anya. Room 503. And Lexa's, they are sharing the room this year. Shut up, Monty told me. I knock the door and wait for a response. Nothing, nothing, nothing… a noise. In my head all the worst thoughts start to appear. Please, please, I don’t want to see another naked ass for today. Luckily, it’s Anya who opens the door and she’s fully dressed, the only different thing about her is that she has her headphones on.

“Clarke.” She smiles and gives me a hug. Then she quirks her eyebrow. “Lexa’s not here yet, you know?"

“Better this way.” Yeah, it is. It’s not like I was looking for her or something. “Raven and Bellamy have love-invaded my bedroom, do you mind?”

“Of course not, come in.”

I still remember the time when I thought Anya hated me. Before I even met her or, more accurately, talked to her, I’d heard that she was a bitchy queen and I really believed that for a while. She was always looking at me with that disdainful look, even when we were shopping or just hanging out with our friends. And then everything just stopped and she started looking at me this nice, friendly way. Maybe it was because of my relationship with Finn or maybe it was just my imagination, but I’m glad that ended anyway because Anya is one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life. She’s clever, mischievous in a good way, strong and she loves shopping as much as I do.

She points to a chair for me to take a seat. I don’t know when she’s arrived but her bedroom is already tidied and the only part remaining is Lexa’s one, which she will fill and accustom to her taste as soon as she arrives, I’m sure of that.

“How was your summer?”, I ask, sitting on the desk chair.

“Cool.” Anya sits on her bed and I can’t help thinking that Lexa would never have allowed that if this was only her room. “First I went with Lex and my cousin, Luna, to the beach and we had a little surf competition that, of course, Luna won.” She laughs at the memory of something. “Then I went to Lexa’s beach house and we had A LOT of fun…”

“Please, give me the sauciest details.”

“Oh, God…” She looks playfully ruminating, that’s good. “Well, the most weird deed: Jasper really got along with Maya.”

“Lexa’s cousin?” Yeah, I remember that girl from the records. So that’s the famous Maya…

“… and I scared him so much he spitted his juice in Gustus’ face.” She laughs again and even if I haven’t listened to a word she’s said I do the same thing. “Octavia and Lexa kicked Raven and Lincoln’s asses… Mmmm… Oh, right, the house was amazing but it was full of cameras…”

“Yeah, I know”, I blurt out and she looks at me, confused. “I went there for a week or so in August. It was… nice.” That’s not the word I was looking for, actually. _Traumatizing_ would be more accurate.

“So give me the sauciest details.” I don’t think I can…"Did our little Commander had fun?”

“I’m sure she did.” My voice gives off a bitterness that surprises me too. I look away, to my lap. Yeah, my eyes are safe there.

“She’s had a wild summer…”

“Sure she has…” Again. I clear my throat and when I raise my gaze Anya is staring at me with that damn eyebrow lifted. “What?”

“Can I ask you something, Clarke?” Uh oh… I nod, “What are you playing to with Lex?”

I frown instantaneously.  I don’t really understand her, or perhaps I don’t want to do it.

“Don’t look at me like that, you know what I’m talking about.” I shake my head. For some reason I’m speechless. “Look, I don’t know about you but Lexa’s had a rough time with all of this, especially since that New Year’s thing…”

“Did she tell you about the kiss?” I don’t why I’m so startled, Anya is her best friend ever after all. She nods and opens her mouth to say something else but I stop her. God, I feel so uncomfortable right now. “Look, Anya, I know what I did was wrong but I was drunk…”

“Tipsy,” she corrects me.

“Ok, I was tipsy and I didn’t think about it well.”

“No, you didn’t.” That look again. I feel like I’m digging my own grave.

“And I’m really sorry,” I sigh and for a second I hide my face in my hands.

For some reason I expected her to comfort me or something, you know? Putting her hand on my shoulder or my back, hugging me or just saying something but she doesn’t. Anya just remains in her position, looking straight at my face with a severe aura, in complete silence.

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, actually. My demeanor in the previous months has been unexpected in too many ways, even for me, and I feel like somehow I lost myself in the way and I don’t know who I am anymore. At first I thought I was just discovering her, learning who Lexa really was in spite of all the shit I had heard about her; because that is what it was: shit and lies. I love Finn a lot and he can say what he pleases but the Lexa Trigeda I know is not meaner than anyone else and of course she's not a devil. Lexa’s the cutest and most caring girl I've ever had the pleasure to meet, even if she wants to look all serious and disaffected. Then I just lost the track of my thoughts and started acting by… I don’t know. I don’t know what drove me to act like that, I don’t understand or understood it, I just did it. I just did what I felt like in every moment and now I’m afraid I’ve lost her.

“Clarke, you two should talk.” That’s the last thing she says before the door opens and a tanned brunette with gorgeous and big green eyes appears through the door.

“Anya, I'm back!”, she’s saying and then she looks at me and mutes.

 _Wow_ is the first thing that crosses my mind. Her hair is longer and lighter because of the sun and it’s loose in soft waves that fall like an endless waterfall over her shoulders. Her skin has the delicious color of caramel under the red tank top. She stares at us a little surprised for a moment but then a smile appears on her face and she hugs Anya so tightly they both end up laughing, lying on the bed.

“Oh my gosh, Lex!” Anya tries unsuccessfully to free herself from her extraordinary strong arms. “Have you just come from the beach?”

“Yeah, I still have sand on my feet.” She sits down on the bed. This is so not Lexa… “Oh, hey, Clarke.”

“Hey…” No hug for me? Nothing? I can’t help frowning a her. Fortunately, I think Anya is the only one that realizes.

 

 

**October 31 st 2015\. Clarke. **

My dress is awesomely accurate and my hair extensions are perfectly in place. I look gorgeous, I know, and yet… I never thought I’d say this but I’m starting to hate Halloween. I’m just not in the mood, ok? Please, let me explain to you what has happened these few last weeks for you to have a overall view of the whole picture.

In the first place, I must tell you that this year I don’t share any classes with Lexa, which is relieving, actually. However, her new personality, which I started calling Commander Nympho for obvious reasons, is someone so active and sociable that I’ve seen her more than ever. Well, I’ve seen her and her cavalcade of horny-whores making out in a random corner in every single party I’ve attended. Really, I swear one day she made out (and I’m sure that more serious stuff) with at least three different sorority girls. That’s just insane. She must have a problem, a sexual one.

Secondly, my mother. She’s been calling me every single day since I’ve been back at school. I can’t stand it, I just can’t. I’ve started ignoring her calls again and Raven may not be with me on that but I just don’t want to talk to her. Or dad, he has also called me but I’m still pissed because of the whole summer father’s negligence. I’m so angry with every fucking single person in my life right now…

And finally, Finn. My cute boyfriend has the gift of the timeliness and has decided to start being all clingy and asphyxiating. He can’t stay one single day without talking to me or texting me and he doesn’t get that I just want to be alone. He’s like a fucking gum stuck in my sole.

Also, I’ve tests and paperworks due and stuff. You know what? I’ve made up my mind: from now on more studying and less parties, that will make me far less angry. Who would have thought it?

Anyway, now I’m in a Halloween party at… where am I? It’s some frat house, never mind. Given that Finn didn’t like my costume last year and I didn’t want to have another monumental argument about this one too, this time I'm less exposed. I’m Cersei Lannister, ladies and gentlemen. I thought that wearing a dress that covers almost my entire body would make Finn happier than last year but the whole incest thing still pisses him off. It’s not like he’s going to come to the party, anyway. No, he thinks this whole Halloween thing is disrespectful to dead people and satanic or something… I just don’t get him. Oh, man… last year was awesome, really — I got to be Harley Quinn and dress in leather, what I utterly love. Furthermore, I got to watch Lexa’s predatory look on me. It’s not that I’m saying this because I particularly enjoyed it, it was just a very amusing experience. She was so astonished she couldn’t stop checking me out and then she blushed so hard I thought she would have anoxia in any part of her body. She was the cutest and she made me feel wanted but not in a dirty way, it was like she was looking at me and my soul and the same time and feeling flustered by that. She was such a cinnamon roll I just wanted to drag her out of the library and make her have a little fun with real people.

“Your beer, Princess.” Octavia and Raven have come back with some drinks. Finally, I already started to think they were making them themselves from scratch.

“Queen Mother,” I correct her and Raven laughs.

“Queen Whore”, is Octavia’s reply. Ravishing. I quirk my eyebrow and hit her in the shoulder hard enough for her to whimper and scrub the zone. “Who are you exactly?”

Ok, even if I’m disguised as Cersei Lannister I may not have Lena Headey's glorious, angry face and I may look like a random prude princess but that doesn't mean that I'm not the scariest one of the three of us. Octavia is a dead hooker murdered by Jack ‘the Ripper’ and Raven’s a mechanic with a wrench stuck in her neck. Clearly, I’m the original and creative one of the group. Or the dorkiest one, as you prefer. I take a long sip and feel the beer going down my throat. Finn isn’t here to scold me for drinking after all.

“Uuuggghhh…” Raven whimpers and turns to us. "He’s here.”

“Who?”, I ask looking in every direction. No, I’m not subtle at all, I know.

“My Robotics TA, Wick the Prick.” She scoffs and finishes her beer in one go. “I’m going to go find Bell.”

We both look at Raven going away and mixing with the crowd. Whatever. We go and sit in the kitchen bar while Octavia prepares some Jack Daniels’ shots. I’m going to end up so wasted tonight… Oh, gosh, Finn’s right, this is awful.

“Stop making that ugly, prudish grandma face and say hi to old Jack,” she says passing the shot on to me and takes her own. "He missed you a lot.”

Come on, Clarke, girl up. 3… 2… 1… I’m so not prepared. However, I take it and… It’s not so bad, I remembered it worse. Wait… My throat, my throat, my throat! It burns! I open my mouth and try to expel the fire burning in my gorge like a baby dragon while Octavia loses her shit at the sight. When my organs stop burning I’m going to kill her. Oh, my...

When I finally manage to stop frying my liver, Octavia gives me another that I watch with awe. Come on Clarke, it’s a party. No, it doesn’t burn any less. Fuck, my throat!! I flinch and rest my head in the cold counter trying to ease the sudden ache. Not really working. How can O be so fresh? Thanks god I’ve had a good dinner.

“How’s Lincoln, by the way?” I take a sip of my beer and refuse to have more whisky shots.

“Good, studying as I should be doing,” she makes a grimace and takes another one. "He, Jasper, Echo and Anya have a test next week, and Gustus, Indra and I have one in nine days”, she explains herself and then frown. “You guys are lucky.”

“Hey, the rest of us have just taken ours, these past few weeks have been like hell.”

My beer is empty, I need another one then. I stand up and totter. Cool, just cool. I move to the fridge and succeed in getting a frozen one, the last one. When I turn around I see Octavia gawking at something. What could possibly…? Oh my fucking Galen of Pergamon! The last group of people have just arrived and I can see a mad scientist Monty accompanied by the fucking impersonation of the wildest Ares I’ve ever seen. Dark leather boots, a thin chainmail, metallic globes and a fucking shoulder pad. Her hair’s braided again and I realize it’s been a while since she last did it. It’s not that I’m complaining about it or something – When she wears it loose she seems older, rougher, more mature, but when she braids it she looks cuter and more naïve. Not this time, though, now she’s also wearing fucking black war paint covering her eyes and she’s terrifying. No, she’s not Ares, she’s Commander Lexa.

“Clarke, you should pick up your pants from the floor, they’ve just fallen off.” It’s not funny, O. I punch her on the shoulder and she whimpers. “You’re very violent lately… Hey guys!”

No, O, no! I want to be swallowed by the ground, right know, please, please… Shit, they’re already here. I’m not prepared for this so I turn around and go back to the fridge to get another beer for Monty. Two more minutes are enough. Or not.

“Clarke!”, he shouts and comes to hug me, gesture that I reply with a kiss in his cheek. “Oh, you look beautiful.”

“And you look crazy”, I laugh and offer him the beer, which he accepts with a wide smile. “For you.”

“Cersei Lannister.” A husky voice takes me aback. When I realize it’s Lexa’s my soul leaves my body.

“Oh, that was it!”, Octavia shouts, finally getting my costume.

How is it possible that she’s always the only one that realizes what my costumes are about? I’m so not in the mood for puttig up with this, and also I'm terribly unprepared for listening at that voice. Why is she talking like that?! Octavia hits me subtly with her shoulder, I may or may not have been staring at her lips moving to articulate a smirk. Easy, Clarke, easy, breathe and smile, breathe and smile…

“Can I have one too?” I just give her the one in my hand, I don’t care if it’s the last frozen one, I don’t care if it’s the last beer in the world. What’s wrong with me?! ”Thank you, Your Majesty.”

“No bowing?”, I manage to say in a silvery voice that I didn’t know I could make. Better that stuttering, though.

Contrary to popular expectation, Lexa doesn’t giggle or makes a snarky comment. She approaches me with a severe face, a spark of perverse delight in her eyes when my body tenses at that sight, and using the same husky low voice she says:

“The Commander does not submit to anyone.”

I will never admit this out loud but I can tell you here in confidence that my underwear is totally ruined. Gosh, she's the sexiest raccoon I've ever met. Even Octavia’s face is red as a tomato. Monty’s too, which is even weirder. No, Clarke, focus, she’s doing this on purpose. As sexually frustrated as you can be, you can’t forget who you are. Come one, girl the hell up! Ok, Clarke, you have smiled and quirked an eyebrow. Not bad, that’s something. Her reply is simple: a smile, a giggle and a sip of ~~my~~ her beer. Then our friends laugh with blatant discomfort and she spots something out of the corner of her eye.

“Excuse me, guys.” Lexa winks at us and goes in the direction of a brunette that I recognize as an Alpha Kappa sister.

We all look at them. The girl is completely a dumb asshole, we shared an Ethics class last year and I can tell. For the mother of God's sake, she thinks the ‘respect for autonomy’ ethical principle has something to do with cars. How can Lexa fancy her?! Oh, of course, she’s what superficial people would consider “pretty” because she’s fit, she has long blonde hair and she has not a single mark in her fake-tanned skin. Oh, and she has a hard ass, but I bet if you kicked that ass, the silicon bags would explode and she'd die. That's the only reason why I won't k... She’s not even gay for what I know!

Cool, now they’re making out in the corner. Just great. Yeah, girl! Fuck her here where everyone can watch you! Great show! I’m going to burn this place to the ground.

“Commander Nympho strikes again”, I slur in my strong tipsiness and my friends look at me with a frown. “Oh, come on!”

“You’re not the one to talk, Mrs. Slutty.” Wow, I didn’t expect Octavia defending her in the first place. “Has Christ’s foolness finally gone to your head?”

“Yeah, Clarke, that wasn’t cool…” Monty too. Awesome.

“Don’t you think there’s something really wrong with her?” No one answers. They’re getting on my nerves and I don’t want to do something stupid. “Have you seen her?!”

No, we can’t see her because she’s gone with the girl. I… I… I can’t handle this right now, I’m out. I scoff and run across the crowd of drunk people until I reach the door. Air, please, air… No, I bump into Raven instead. The friend I really didn’t need to see right now.

“Hey, Princesssssssss, are you leaving so soon?”, she slurs with a wide grin on her lips.

“I’m not feeling well,” I reply and try to get away from her but she frowns and grasp my wrist.

“What’s wrong?” Damnit, she’s strong, I should have known it but I’m too buzzed and upset.

This is not what I need. Not from her. Not now.

“I’m fine,” I move aside and manage to ease her grip.

Outside the frat house, the cold air punches me in the face and I realize. What’s wrong with me?

 

 

**December 17 th 2015\. Clarke. **

Not only did I apologize to O and Monty for my inappropriate demeanor but I also decided to talk to Raven. We had a nice chat in which I told her what was bothering me but... But. That was also something I didn’t fully know, and I don’t even understand it yet. I told her that everything was too much, too new. My mother’s wedding, third grade, Lexa’s sudden behavior… I just couldn’t handle everything at the same time.  She just listened to my teary rant until I finished; then she hugged me and told me something that I had already heard before: “you two should talk”. What does that even mean? I don’t know what they all want me to tell her, that she’s being reckless and I don’t know why it hurts so much? That she’s being steel cold to me and I can’t understand her and that gets on my nerves? That only thinking of losing her breaks my heart in a thousand pieces? Fuck it. No more self-pity shit, if she wants to be Commander Nympho&Flirty, she can do whatever the hell she wants. I don’t care anymore. Honestly, I don’t have the mental space for this.

 

The first semester has passed fast and pretty ok, and Christmas’ formal dinner’s here at last. Everyone in the dorm participates in this event and, of course, my friends and I aren’t going to be the exception. This is my chance to prove them I’m back for real, an opportunity to show them that I’ve got over my problems and I won’t surrender to anything. The dress I’m wearing was chosen by my mother — even if I didn’t ask for her opinion (only her money), she did it anyway. However, I’m not going to get angry, I’m a mature woman and I’ve even started to answer her texts again. Don’t  get me wrong, I’m still upset and I won’t forgive her but I have decided to avoid them and adopt a passive-aggressive attitude towards Marcus because I’m a grown up and that’s what actual adults do.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about my dress because… damn it, I’m hot in it. It’s a tight white lace dress till the middle of my thighs but without cleavage. If Finn doesn’t like it for being ‘too short’ I’ll just tell him to go fuck himself. Maybe something less aggressive because I’m a lady. Actually, I think this is the first time I’ve worn a dress without cleavage (Cersei’s dress was a costume, it doesn’t count). I would normally choose something that makes my boobs stand out but I’ll go with something classier tonight. This is what the new and improved Clarke looks like. My reflection in the mirror is astounding, really, I look like a sexy rich woman who may seem delicate but will feed you your own liver if you piss her off. Maybe Finn wouldn’t fuck me but I’d fuck myself for sure… Not in a gay way, though, because I’m not. I mean… yeah… I’d fuck myself in a very straight way. That makes sense in my head, shut up!

Once I’ve finished doing my make-up, I meet my friends in the dorm hall before heading to the salon they’ve prepared for the event. I hug Finn and he frowns at the length of my dress but says nothing. He’s finally learnt how to behave in these situations. It’s almost the time and the only one left is… yeah, well guessed, Lexa. Anya says sha has had some problems with her outfit although I think she just wants to make a big entrance and it’s not a hunch, I think I’ve finally understood Commander Nympho action pattern. She wants to surprise people, she wants to beckon them and she always does. Holy fucking shit! Sure she does. She’s here at last and she’s wearing… She’s wearing a tight black suit with a frilly drey blouse underneath the blazer. Her wavy hair falls like a soft waterfall over her shoulders and… is she wearing high heels? Yes, she is, but she’s not wearing a tie and that’s good… good… She looks like a ~~sexy~~ nice business woman, innocent even. This is new but we have already practiced this, Clarke, calm down and smile. She won’t dazzle you again even if her hair looks so soft that you may or may not be feeling the impulse of tangling your hands in it and… No, Clarke! Inhale and exhale, again and again. Good, much better. You’re going to crush her, girl. She has no game anymore, not with you. Not that she has ever… Focus on your mission, Clarke, please.

“Lexa, you look beautiful.” I am the first one to talk, so calm and carefree, and that’s how everyone notices her presence before she can even open her mouth. _Clarke 1, Lexa 0._

Everyone looks at her and compliments her outfit but I’m sure she’s not listening to a word they’re saying. She’s looking right at me, her eyes scrutinize my dress going down to my legs shamelessly — although it’s not like that time on the beach house, this time something has changed and I don’t know what it is or why. The good thing is that she’s still taken aback due to my unexpected compliment and I’m sure that she’s also startled by my relaxed and confident behavior. The only one who’s not very calmed is Finn, whose hand tightens its grip around mine. Ouch, it hurts! I give him a little push with my shoulder and he realizes what he’s doing. Fuck, Finn! I rub my wrist, his prints are red in my tender skin. This time, when Lexa looks at him, she doesn’t smirk smugly as usual, she just looks away and starts joking with Lincoln about who wears the suit better. Not that it’s an evidence of anything weird but I think it really suits her. Pun completely intended, please, don’t kill me. Shall we go inside now? _Clarke 2, Lexa 1._

 

Of course it couldn’t be otherwise, she’s sitting in front of me and she’s talking to Raven and Anya about some web series about vampires I haven’t had the pleasure of watching yet. Finn’s been all the time in between the snacks and the second dish trying to talk to me about some controversial politics’ new he’s also discussing with Bell and Gustus and I don’t really care. Luckily, Octavia and Jasper are close enough to save my life. When the waiter brings the burning (literally) soufflés, he is the first one to talk.

“Goddamnit, those things are on fire!”, he laughs at the sight of the flames and my sudden smile catches his eye. “You’re also on fire, Clarke.”

“I think this is the first time I’ve heard you saying something really cute, Jas”, Octavia, the voice of the people.

“That’s because he’s in love”, I tease him and he starts blushing.

“Oh, look at him, he’s twenty but still innocent as a teenager.” Bellamy laughs and I swear I had never seen a redder face. Poor Jasper, now I feel guilty.

“He’s not the only one that seems to have gone back to his teen years”, Anya says to help him. How uncommon of her.

What? The girl turns her head to look in a especial way at Lexa, who keeps eating her dine as if she hasn’t opened her mouth. Our gazes meet and I don’t try to end it, I just look at her in silence with a friendly face, trying to take her around. For a moment she looks unsure but then she smirks and takes a sip of her water.

“I just bumped into some… girl that I knew from high school the other day.”

“Oh la la, Commander, tell us more.” That’s what I say. See? I can be affable if I want to.

Ok, maybe talking as if I was an easy French girl has not been the best thing I could have done, it has just happened and now Lexa is looking at me with a quirked eyebrow. Everything I can do is keeping my eyes on her and show no fear. Yeah, my self-shame threshold is very high lately, I’m starting to get used to it. Fortunately, my friends are too interested in Lexa’s story to notice my awkwardness.

“There’s not much more to tell”, she takes a sip and Raven starts losing her shit.

“Oh my god, are you talking about the girl I think you’re talking about?” She’s dying, she can’t breathe. Lexa gives her a dangerous look but she doesn’t stop.

“Costia”, Anya asserts and Lincoln nearly chokes with her wine. Octavia rubs his back until he calms down and the attention is drawn back to Lexa.

Costia, Costia… Costia… Costia… that rings a bell but I can’t remember exactly… Oh, right! That was the girl Lexa had a crush on in high school. Cool, she came across her and… what? I thought she had told me she had never talked to her, that she didn’t even know who Lexa was. Everyone has that look in their faces. I’m confused, I don’t get it. Oh, wait, she… she didn’t… Right?

“I…” I clear my throat. “I thought  the girl was straight.”

Lexa turns to look at me and her mouth curves in a light self-satisfied smile. It’s not her smugness what’s getting on my nerves, it’s her stare. She’s challenging me, she’s trying to entice me with her gaze. Is this a looking contest or what? If that’s the case I won’t lose, Commander, so sorry.

“She didn’t really care about that when she was getting off.”

 _Clarke 2, Lexa one million._ A shiver hits my back and inevitably I imagine her body on top of… no! A Griffin doesn’t get flustered, a Griffin doesn’t blush — you’re a lioness, I won’t fall in her trap. They all look surprised for a second and then start laughing like fools. Everyone but Finn and I — he gives her a reproving look that she replies with a wider smile and me myself… Ok, you can only handle so much during a dinner, I’m going to throw up. I swear to god I will put her a chastity belt on, this is just too much. Notwithstanding I take a sip of my water and give her a smile. Now she’s really fucked up, I’ll wreck that pretentious aura that surrounds her, yeah. She doesn’t know who she is messing with, but I’ll show her. Oh, chocolate fondue and strawberries! Finally a good thing, I am not really in the right state of mind to eat soufflé.

“Just be careful, Commander.” My voice may be lower than I pretended but she hears me anyway.

I dive a piece of fruit in the fondue and blow a little before eating it carefully. A delicious chocolate drop remains in the corner of my mouth so I wipe it carefully with my fingertip and lick it. Heavenly. When I look up I realize Lexa’s attentively looking at me, almost gawking, and Finn’s too. They both have weird funny faces. Pair of pervs... What if…? No, I… well, I could but I shouldn't, there’s no good in it… No, what am I thinking about? Decency, Clarke, what’s the point in flirting with... your boyfriend in front of everyone? It’s not like it would make any difference between you and Finn. I’ll stop thinking or do something I’ll regret. Goddamnit! My phone has started vibrating. Breathe, Clarke. Oh, it’s Abby, why would she call me at midnight? I slightly press Finn’s thigh to point out I’m going outside for a moment and leave the table.

 

Only when I’m far from the voices, shouts an giggles coming from the salon, I call her back. My shivering fingers stumble across the screen and I need more than a try to choose the correct contact. Two bleeps… three… Abby would never have called me at night if it wasn’t an emergency, a real one. Four bleeps and I finally hear her voice. Thanks...

“Mom, what’s wrong? Are you ok?” I hadn’t called her ‘mom’ for too long, the word twists bitterly in my tongue.

“Good night, Clarke”, she says much more relaxed than I expected, “I’m fine I didn’t…” Something is NOT ok, her voice is croakier than I've ever heard it before. “I didn’t think you’d answer.”

“I’m answering your calls again, remember?” Abby starts whining and then I can swear she’s silently crying. “Mom… mom, what’s wrong?” Nothing, just a little noise, like glass against a table. “Mom, are you drinking?”

“Just wine.” I can hear her sniff. “I’m really happy you have answered this call, Calrke”.

“Clarke”, I correct her and she giggles. Mother of mine… “Wait… Mom, were you testing me?”

“I’m sure you look gorgeous in that dress.” There’s a noise, a door closing. ”I have to leave, honey, Marcus has come. I love you, bye.”

“Mom! Mom! Mom!” She’s hanged up.

I spend some long minutes looking at my phone, I still can’t believe what has just happened. My mother… The need of walking is stronger every second so I go outside and the sudden change of temperatures hits me. Fucking cold! Damn! I need to make another call.

“Yes?”, a manly voce greets me from the other side of the phone.

“Marcus, is my mother ok?” I sit on a bench outside the dorm building after making sure it’s clean enough to touch my white dress.

“Oh, yeah, don’t worry”, he assures me but I’m not convinced. “She’s just had a rough day, one of her younger patients has died and… you know, she’s strong but not heartless.”

“I see, thank you.” I sigh in relief. So that was it.

“No, Clarke, thank you for calling.” Yeah, yeah… I swallow and end the phone call.

Should I attend to another winter party again, I will wear Eskimo garments. It’s fucking cold outside but it’s helping me not to think too much of this bizarre episode. Abby has just lost a patient, she has fallen inot an abyss of disgrace and she has drunk called me and she didn’t even expect me to answer her yelp. Everything I do lately I do it horribly wrong, what’s wrong with me? She was drunk… I hug myself trying to wipe the cold away from my skin. She was drunk and I’ve contributed to that. When I was a kid I swear they were so in love. My parents, I mean. We used to have a family game night and my dad cooked some super healthy snacks and we played Monopoly or Xbox and we laughed. Every Thanks Giving we prepared a fancy dinner and TV was forbidden because we had to talk more. Then I turned sixteen and they started arguing more and more often, whenever they both were home at the same time, and I started going out until late hours not to hear them yelling at each other. Finally they got separated and then they got divorced and she rebuilt her life so soon… She had met Marcus years before but they hadn’t really talked, as far as I now. She just pulled down with our family games and dinners and built something entirely different in months and I wonder if we meant so little to her that she could do that so fucking soon. Damn it, it’s really cold in here!

“Clarke!” Someone’s shouting my name but I don’t feel like checking out who it is. “What are you doing here? It’s freezing!”

Shit, it’s Lexa. No, I don’t want to look at her right now. I shrink my legs on the bench and hide my face behind them. Then, I hear a soft noise and raise my head, she’s trying to take her blazer off. Stupid girl…

“Stop, you’re going to get sick.” I grab her wrist and inevitably shed a tear. “Just go away, Commander, I’m not in the mood.”

“Come back to the hall with me, just that, ok?”

Of course she has to be soft right now that I’m not in the mood to try to save the few remaining of the old Lexa from hell. Fuck it, I just want to be alone so I nod and walk silently by her side. When we arrive to the warm building I actually start feeling a little better. At least I won’t die now.

I sit on a sofa in the hallway and try to absorb its heat. She, contrary to what she has told me before, sits on the next one beside me. I know what she’s doing but I don’t have to bear it, I can just ignore her. Or so I try because she starts making obnoxious noises to get a rise out of me.

“I want to be alone, Lexa, go back to the party,” I mumble, burying my face in my hands.

“Oh, I’m fine here, thank you.” I release a deep sigh.

“You know that your intents of making me feel 'better' are useless, right?”

“Well, do you want to… talk about it anyway?” she slurs and I look at her. Not that face, not those eyes, please. If this beautiful girl looks at me so softly I know that I’ll end up crying and I will ruin my makeup.

“It’s just… my mother, y’know?” I don’t need to say anything else, she stands up and sits on the arm rest of my sofa. Then, she starts petting me, caressing my hair until I rest my head on her leg. How can she be like this? A tiny tear slides through my cheek and then another one but no more, ok, Clarke? No more.

I think this is the closest Lexa and I have been since her almost car accident and that was months ago. Damn, I hate her, I hate every single second I’m with her, every single moment she makes my burden weight a little less. I shouldn’t feel like this, I don’t want to feel like this.

Finally, she stops her caresses and the softness end. She stands up again to offer me a friendly hand that I look with hesitation until I meet again those big green eyes. Then I take it and when we are both on our feet she hugs me firmly. My heart bounces so hard that I’m afraid she has felt it but what can I do but burying my head in her shoulder and return the hug when I feel like my legs have turn into jelly and I’m going to fall in many ways if I don’t hold her tightly now like a lifeboat. She strokes my head gently a couple of times more and her lips dance to my ear giving me goose bumps and awakening something warm in my chest that spreads slowly through my body. How would her lips feel on my sk...? Clarke! When she says: “Everything is going to be alright, ok?” in my ear and kisses my cheek and I feel that void when she detaches from me and makes for the salon I know it. I do like Lexa Trigeda. A lot.

“Clarke!” A male voice wakes me up from my bittersweet thoughts. It’s Finn running to me from the staircase. He hugs me and… it’s not the same anymore. “I thought you’d gone back to your room, are you ok?”

Not the same.

 

 

**March 12 th 2016\. Clarke. **

When I was a kid I used to make a fuss every time I didn’t like something. Nothing has changed up to date and I won’t allow it anymore. I’ve spent more time with my friends in a really happy and chill way, even with Lexa, trying to ease the awkwardness between the both of us. She hasn’t stopped fucking every single woman willing to fuck wherever they are in the moment. Just one-night stands, I think. Although I firmly believe she has a sexual problem (because a woman per day every single day except for mid-term periods is NOT normal) I’ve chilled about this too, I mean, it’s not like I could do anything else than recommend her penicillin if anything happens to her. No, seriously, she’s very conscientious and she gets tested from time to time and, for what I know, she always uses protection. We have been talking a little, not about what we should talk for sure but, it’s something. For now, it’s fine by me, I still need to process all of this.

Moreover, I’ve talked to my parents, both of them. It’s been hard but I had to accept that they are not 'my parents' anymore. Now they are Abby Griffin (she’s keeping her lastname for practical reasons) and Jake Griffin, two individual people. I don’t really like Marcus and I don’t think I’ll ever like him, neither as a father nor as a husband for my mother, however, I have to submit to the idea of my parents not being in love any more. And you can’t be with someone you don’t love for too long, which brings me to another crucial point in my life: Finn.

 

When I knock his door my heart stops. Come on, Clarke! I’ve been thinking and practicing this carefully for the longest time and I know that I’m not ready but I can’t make him lose his time anymore in a relationship that never was meant to be. I know how I am, I know how he is and now I’m also figuring out my feelings and... my sexuality. I think it’s high time for me to be brave. I’ve not told this to my friends, not even O or Raven, I need to do this all on my own. He opens the door and his eyebrows quickly shoot up in surprise.

“Clarke, I thought you were in the library.”

“Can I come in?” He frowns and hesitates for a second but then he moves over. “Look, Finn…” He shuts the door behind him and I turn to look at him. God, this is more difficult than I thought. “I wanted to talk to you because I’ve not been feeling very well for a while now.”

“I don’t understand… a… are you sick or…” His worry breaks my heart in a thousand pieces.

“No, no, it’s not that,” I hurry to say and he walks towards me slowly until we’re in each other’s personal space. Please stop. “I’ve not been feeling well with our relationship, Finn.”

He takes a step back and his scared eyes meet mine. Ok, Clarke, be strong, this is the best for the both of you. He has started shivering a little. No, please, please, don’t be sad…

“Is this because of my… you know?”, he mumbles with his jaw so tense I think he could break a tooth.

“No, it’s not that anymore.” Although I think that has helped a bit.

He turns around and put his hands on his hair, clenching the fingers around the soft dark locks in despair. I know he's trying not to yell at me, I know it because I'd do that too, because after all this time I can see through him even if we're not one anymore. Every sigh, every sniff, every grit of his teeth echoes in my ears, noises from a foregin broken heart that rip mine too. He inhales deeply and looks at me again with glassy eyes and a red face.

“Is this because of Bellamy?” His voice is gruffy and as taut as his jaw.

“No! Of course not, he's just my friend and he’s with Raven, remember?” We already had this conversation so many times. He seems to relax for a second but then he stiffens again, this time more than before. His face is so flustered...

“For another guy, then.” He’s getting dangerously angry, damn it, if he keeps clenching his fists like that he’s going to break the skin of his palms.

“No, Finn, I swear.” And it’s true, at least up to a point. You know, I’m not sure if telling him that I think that I have feelings for a girl, the one that he hates the most and believe to have ruined his life for some reason I don't get, would do no good so I’ll better keep it.

“So that’s it? That’s what you want to make of our relationship, two useless years?” I approach him and try to embrace him, but he does a gesture that makes me freeze on my tracks.

“I’m so sorry, Finn.” I know that’s not nearly enough but then he starts crying and I finally get to hug him.

We both stay there in silence for very different reasons. I feel his tears wetting my shirt gradually. This has been fast, wasn't it supposed to be painless too?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be super busy next week so I'll try to update on Monday morning but I'm not sure if I'll be able to update on Friday. Anyway, here you have another chapter, all for you =)


	10. So I’m a lioness, a Gryffindor, and I’m going to crush her world.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10
> 
> Birthday party preparations:  
> \- Cake.  
> \- Funny hats.  
> \- Gifts.  
> \- Music.  
> \- Beer.  
> \- Beer.  
> \- Beer.  
> \- Beer.  
> \- And... oh! Beer.  
> \- More types of alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize beforehand if this episode is not so good but I've been very busy.

 

**March 22 th 2016\. Clarke. **

When I found Raven three days ago crying quietly in our room the only thing I could do was kneeling in front of her and enwrap her suddenly small body with my arms. I had never seen her crying before.  She buried her face in my shoulder and cried and squealed for minutes, maybe an hour, with a ragged breath and a broken heart until exhaustion finally hit her. I laid in bed by her side, cuddling her until she fell asleep. That was the day Bellamy told her he would drop out everything and join the army.

The news spread like wildfire, it was inevitable, especially in the dorms. Goddamnit, I still can’t believe this. We all tried to talk to him but there’s nothing we could do, he had made up his mind. It looks like he didn’t spend his summer holidays only surfing but he also went to visit military camp with his father, Coronel Blake, in Texas and he decided to join once he finishes his Philosophy majoring. That’s what Octavia is telling us at this very moment, the three of us lying in my bed with red, glassy eyes just an hour before going to the pretty ruined Lincoln’s birthday party. The conclusion we have reached: we must kidnap him and feed him in turns with fruit and anchovies until he comes to his senses.

“I don’t want to go.” Raven rolls over and hugs Octavia.

“Me neither.” I sigh and sniff.

“I know, girls but it’s Lincoln’s birthday and…” Her voice trembles and a tear runs down her cheek. She sobs and hugs me from behind, now we’re a very sad train. “I hate saying this but we don’t have much more time to spend with Bell.”

A whimper from Raven makes my eyes close, i'm really trying to imagine that this is not true. This can’t be real, it doesn’t make any sense. I remember when we were kids in kindergarten and Bellamy was too cool to spend time with O and me but then someone wanted to hassle us and he would run in our help. Not that we needed it, especially Octavia, she’s always been a ferocious animal. I remember when we were ten and he scoffed at Raven because we all were Gryffindors and she couldn’t be one because her name was Raven and 'she had to be a Ravenclaw’. She would have been a terrific Ravenclaw, but I never told her so or she’d have chopped me up. I remember when I was twelve and had a little crush on him for two whole months, and the time I broke up with my first boyfriend who cheated on me and Bell wanted to kill him but instead he chose a movie and we all watched it in my house. I think it was ‘Ratatouille’.

Yes, we all have shared so many things, so many moments, so many laughs, and yet now he’s joining the fucking army, running to a far more likely death than being a philosophy teacher or whatever philosophy majors do when they finish their careers.

The knock in the door doesn’t bother us, we’re fine lying here, drowning in our tears. Then we hear the door open and some soft steps. Three or four people, I guess. However, the silence remains only interrupted by our sobs, whimpers and sniffs. Suddenly, someone clears their throat in the other side of the room.

“Okteivia to your room,” Indra orders with a cold voice and grabs her by her feet. “Now!” She tugs and Octavia’s touch around my waist disappears.

“Indra!”, she whines.

“Raven, you too.” Anya? Raven is also dragged out of the bed but she doesn’t even have the energy to yell at her. “I’ll lend you some fancy clothes and we’re celebrating Lincoln’s birthday as a nice, funny, happy family.” Lots of huffs.

Out of the blue, I’m the last one in that bed and I start to feel alone so I hurry to hide myself under the coverlet. Yeah, I know I’m being super mature right now. Damn it, I don’t feel like going but Lincoln’s worth it. My beloved baldy… I’m glad Bell and he finally got along so we could get to know him better. Bellamy… I curl in a ball and press my legs tightly trying not to cry again. No way, I’m going to kill him before he gets killed by some strange soldier.

“All yours,” I hear Anya saying and then some more steps.

Not much later, the mattress sinks a little under someone’s weight and a soft hand slides under the sheets to search for me. The hand soon finds one of my knees and strokes it a little to calm me, which actually only brings more tears to my eyes. I sniff and the hand leaves my leg to caress carefully my chin and up to my cheek to wipe my tears.

“He’s going to be ok, you know?” I freeze at the familiar voice. Lexa. “You can’t be like this, he’s made up his mind and the last thing he needs now is having you all crying and hating him.”

“He doesn’t know this and he won’t.”

“Well, he will definitely find out if you are not there, won’t he?”

No word comes out of my mouth, not even a whimper. My jaw clenches and I really try to keep my panting to minimum. I’m definitely jinxed. Of all the friends I have it has to be Lexa who comes to haul me out of bed. Why would she do this? Why couldn’t her have helped Raven instead? She’s entirely too sweet and this is not making me feel better at all. I shouldn’t be disturbing her with my whines and sniffs… Oh, hell, I have a runny nose, Lexa’s here and I have water and mucus coming out of my nose! And I must be all swollen, red and ugly, she can’t see me this way!

With her other hand, Lexa shakes me a bit over the coverlet.

“Come on, Clarke, he needs you and your love and strength right now”, she’s right as always, fuck.

“Can you…” I sniff, “… turn over?”

At first she doesn’t move or say anything but then the mattress recovers its original form and I know she’s stood up and done what I’ve asked her for. However, I come out slowly, just to make sure she can’t really see me. When I finally stand on my feet I feel a light buzz and I walk teetering to the bathroom. My face is, in fact, a mess as huge as I guessed. My eyes are irritated and as red and wet as my cheeks and my nose, my lips are dried and I think I even have a fever. Fuck.

I wash my face at least five times with the coldest water I can get from that stupid faucet and dry it carefully with a towel. It can ease the irritation of my skin but certainly not the ache in my heart. Fuck, Bellamy, you couldn’t like something less stupid like fishing or bowling. Bowling is good, nobody dies of bowling, at least not nearly so often. I open the bathroom door and check that she’s still looking at Raven’s bed. She is. If my heart wasn’t withered right now I know it would have clenched. She’s unbelievably cute.

The sound of my closet shutting when I’ve finally picked my clothes seems to startle her a bit, so I just let the bathroom door half-closed for her to know I’m still in and she has to keep looking away but she can have a sit. When I’ve finally had my shower and I'm fully dressed, I throw my sad pajamas to the laundry hamper and I proceed to do my hair and make-up. I have to be quick, I don’t want to have Lexa waiting for me more than necessary.

Forty five minutes, this is a record.

When I’m finally ready, I come out of the bathroom and notice that she has made my bed and Raven’s, and now she’s sitting on my desk chair playing absent-mindedly with her phone. She’s beautiful, glowing in her diaphanous black dress. Fuck, she’s the best that has ever happened to me and I’ve been a jerk. How did I manage to fuck this up so hard? I feel my eyes watering again. No, Clarke, your mascara! Don’t you dare! I clear my throat and she lifts her head to look at me. Do-not-cry-Clarke.

“I’m sorry for keeping you waiting.”

“Are you ok?”, she asks softly.

Do-not-cry. I nod but she approaches me anyway and wraps me in a hug. Ok, I didn’t expect this. Shit, I’m going to cry, I’m going to… I can’t, I can’t. I CAN’T! A tear. Shit! I pull back a little, I don't have the energy to do this right now, at least to do it properly and the only thing I can do is talking in her ear. Not too close to it, though, I… I don’t want to make her more uncomfortable than she must already be.

“Please, Lex, don’t hug me, I don’t want to cry again”, I whisper and sniff. Not again…

“Sorry.”

She steps back and we look at each other. I would like to avert her gaze, I swear, but I can’t, those green eyes just absorb you like a gorgeous vortex. And before I can realize a tear is running down my cheek and we’re kissing. Well, I’m kissing her and she’s frozen at least for a couple of seconds. Fortunately, soon she kisses me back, softly. It's such a tender kiss that tears keep coming out from my eyes but I don’t get to care. Her lips are amazing, really, I could kiss them forever; they’re capable of warming my gloomy heart and making it beat fast and hard. I put my hand on her arm, stroking it lightly to her elbow, and when I detach to inevitably sniff (I know, gross, sorry), she pulls away. For a second I do think I've grossed her out and now I don't know how she isn't running away. I must look like the clown of 'It' with all my make-up spread through my face and mixing with my tears.

“I… I’m sorry,” she stumbles nervously.

“Why?”

“I know you’re having a hard time lately and I…” My baffled frown makes her stop. “Raven told me about you and Finn. I shouldn’t have…”

“Why do you keep apologizing and feeling guilty for things I’m the only one to blame of?”, I lash out, maybe louder than we both expected. Never mind, now I can’t stop. I start stepping up and she steps back. “I kissed you that night, Lexa, and I’ve kissed you tonight.” Another step up, she steps back. “Hell, I started touching you that night and still you kept feeling bad about possibly having taken advantage of my tipsiness.” Another one. “You need to stop doing this, now.” She bumps into my desk. “I’m not a vulnerable princess and you know it perfectly, so please, stop that passive-aggressive, slutty behavior and yell at me, insult me, anything. Just take everything out of your chest.”

“Do you really think I hook up with girls to punish you?”, she mumbles. Well, yeah, I do. Oh, wow, I can feel her bristling. “Fuck, Clarke, you’re really egocentric, aren’t you?” I don't think I've ever heard Lexa saying slurs before. She stands straight and now the walk works backwards. ”If I don’t yell at you, Clarke, is because it’s not worth it.” I swallow and step back. “What can I scold you for? Being awfully straight? Playing with me as if I hadn’t any feelings to hurt? You’re just egoistical in nature, I was the one who should have known better.” I hit the wardrobe with my back and now she’s cornering me. “I’m really trying to omit your fucked up behavior and being nice to you so as to keep getting along because of the group’s happiness, and I just need to keep some distance between us and move on with my life.” Distance? Maybe an inch right now. She is so calmed I’m getting truly scared. “Is that so hard to understand? Can’t you just leave me alone?”

“So fucking every girl you come across is moving on for you?”, I mumble, almost breathless.

“I enjoy sex, Clarke, a lot. Why should I be called a ‘slut’ for having an active, healthy sex life?” She’s so right I want to be swallowed by the closet. That could be a pun… Shut up, Clarke, focus.

“Because this is not you!”, I manage to say.

“What do you even know about me?”, she yells at me, finally.

“I know that you don’t want one-night stands because you’re someone that craves a certain kind of affection even if you want to look like you don’t.” I swallow the lump in my throat and try to recover my position. “So what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m just looking for a lay, Clarke, because I’m twenty and I’ve certain needs and I like it, and even if I meet tons of girls I know it wouldn’t work with any of them now so at least we get something from those whiles.” Lexa looks so feral and smug right know I want to slap her. I know those things! It feels like she’s talking half with me and half with Finn and she’s enjoying scoffing at us. I'm not being judgamental because of... I just want to... GOD!

“And why wouldn’t it work? Any girl would be the luckiest on Earth if they were with you, they wouldn’t be so stupid to spoil it.” I’m losing my voice, it’s just dying down.

“This is not a bad teen novel and I couldn’t have feelings for two people if I tried”, she blurts out in her messy despair and then her eyes wide open, filled with aghast at her own words. And my heart stops and I get it, I’m not so oblivious.

For the third time, I caress her cheek, pull her closer and kiss her. This time the kiss is rough and wet… but brief because she pulls back harshly and hits the wardrobe door with her fist, scaring me to death. Damn, she’s furious. How do I end up spoiling almost every conversation we have?

“Fuck, Clarke!” Lexa inhales and exhales deeply, trying to cool down. Her eyes shut tightly are trying to push back the tears, I know it and she knows I do. She covers her face with a hand and tries to conceal her feelings, isolating herself from everything, from me, like she always does. She doesn't want to look at me, she can't. No, she can't. Fuck, I've hurt her again. “You have broken your promise twice, don’t do that again.”

“Why?”, I blurt out and as the hand falls to her side, the glare she gives me freezes my blood and at the same time breaks my heart.

“Because you don’t mean it,” she whispers under her breath and opens the door. I do… “Just fuck off, Clarke, really, I’m fed up.”

I do. I do. I do, Lexa, I DO. WHY AM I SPEECHLESS NOW?! Say it, say it, Clarke! But she’s already gone. My make-up is entirely ruined by now, I’m crying again. I really fucked it up. I’m so stupid… Damn it!

 

 

**March 23 rd 2016\. Clarke. **

Somehow, I've managed to stop crying and do my make-up again. Lincoln and Bellamy go first tonight, I can’t fail them. I've grabbed my present for Lincoln and arrived (super late) to the party at some Lincoln’s pal bar. Contrary to what I expected at first, the mood is unbeatable.

They all were here when I arrived — Lincoln was kissing Octavia softly while she was sitting on his lap, and then they've reentered the conversation they were having with Jasper, Gustus and Echo (gross, happy people in love, you know); Monty, Anya, Raven and Bell were playing beer pong, of course, surrounded by some Lincoln’s classmates that I didn’t know, and Lexa and Indra were nowhere to be seen. I went straight to hug Lincoln and give him my gift but I've met Octavia’s arms first. She was relieved I finally came, it seemed like Lexa hadn’t said a word about me... or anything. Then I've hugged Lincoln and he's hugged me back with those gigantic, muscled arms that I swear could tear my spine if he wanted to. I have arrived just in time to eat cake and see him opening his gifts.

Then, Lexa and Indra have finally appeared and our gazes have met. I haven’t precisely got along with Lexa for several months but this has been the first time I have been able to actually see hatred in her eyes. She hates me. She hates me and I can’t blame her, I’ve been a bitch to her most of the time and when I’ve honestly wanted to make things right I’ve managed to ruin it. I just keep causing her so much pain… even if I don’t talk to her, even if she doesn’t see me. How can I stop that?

We have made a circle around Lincoln and I've taken advantage of the situation to approach Bell and give him a light hug. One to him and another one to Raven, who seemed happy in spite of being screaming and crying inside. We all have sang “Happy Birthday to You” to Lincoln out loud and applauded when he’s started opening his presents. He’s gotten some cool stuff that he’s unwrapped painfully slow: a surf suit, boxing gloves, a leather jacket, a super advanced kamasutra book… When Bellamy’s seen that he’s bristled, I swear. I’d say that people should be more considerate towards him now he’s gone crazy and wants to gat himself killed playing war but, actually, I’ve bought them handcuffs so… When he opens my present and blushes hardly, Octavia knows that is my gift and she smiles widely at me. Of course I haven’t got him something like that without a little research, and I also know Octavia too well. Way too well. 

We finally finish and everyone spreads out again. I go to get a beer and when I bend to grab a pretty cold one from the ice bucket someone squeezes my ass. I imagine it’s been Raven or Octavia because who the hell would touch a girl’s ass like that in a friend’s party if they aren’t close with the girl in question? So I giggle and turn around. My face’s color is suddenly drained when I see Murphy in front of me with a smug smirk on his lips.

“Hey, Princess,” he dares to say and I push him almost snarling. “Hey, hey…”

“What the fuck are you doing here? No one invited you.”

“I usually come here on Friday nights." I'm not interested in his life, why is he still talking? "Connor, the owner, has allowed me to stay,” he smiles and I want to punch him, seriously. Then, his expression changes a bit, it becomes a little colder. “Finn’s in the shit, you know?”

“I guessed that far given that he sends me at least a two paragraphs text a day,” I answer bitterly. I’m not in the right state for this. “If only he hadn’t blocked me in every social network or he answered my phone calls or he just stopped avoiding me I could talk to him.”

“That’s what you get when you behave like a whore…”

I grind my teeth and I swear that I’d punch him right in the face or reply sarcastically but it isn’t really worth it. I drink half of my beer in one go and look away, trying to ignore him. Then I see it. Well, I see them, and she sees me. That’s why she smiles with glossy, dark eyes. Lexa’s whispering at some random girl’s ear and she’s trying to catch my eye because now she does want to punish me. Lexa grabs her by the wrist and the girl follows her to the bathroom. Gross. I could tell you the amount of bacteria living in a public bathroom but that would make me sick at the stomach and that would definitely make my night.

“I’m talking to you!” shouts Murphy and he puts a hand on my shoulder to get my attention.

“Do you really think I care about whatever you have to say?” I lash out and squirm free of his grip before starting to mix with my friends.

I haven’t even started a conversation with any of them when I hear a loud noise. There is a fight behind me between Murphy and Bellamy. I think I’m having a déjà vu, maybe it’s better not getting too close, I don’t want to end up with a black eye like… Never mind. OUCH! That must have hurt! Bell has just punched him in the nose, which I'm not going to say that I think it's wrong but... Violence it's not the solution, and especially during Lincoln's party. Talking about Lincoln, he runs to separate them and I risk my life and face to do the same and hold my friend.

“Bell, stop!”

Murphy smiles like he's truly amused. However, he has a cut in his eyebrow and his nose is bleeding while Bell's untouched. I don’t think that this is pleasant at all. He spits blood and saliva to him and I struggle to keep Bellamy put. I’m glad Raven and O have gone outside with Monty and Echo, they deserve a quiet night. We all do.

“Get out of here, Murphy”, Lincoln says, dragging him to the door.

“You come with me”, I order Bellamy and grab him by the wrist to lead him to the back entrance.

The cold breeze hits my face — it’s still winter after all. I leave the door half-closed and turn around to look at him. I had a beer in my hand. I know I had a beer, where’s my beer? Never mind, I guess cool drinks doesn’t go with cold weather. Bellamy rubs his face and breathes deeply. God, I’m going to miss him and his silly tantrums so much…

“You don’t have to act that way each time someone pisses us off, you know?”, I try to say in a light hearted way and he laughs briefly.

“It’s been a hard time for you with… everything, I just couldn’t stay put and do nothing", he huffs. "Especially not when he touches you.”

“Gryffindor’s prefect, right?” We giggle and I hug him. “Do you really want to talk about ‘hard times’, Blake? I’m not the one who’s joining the army.”

“Not the same.”

“Look.” I push away a little to stare at him right in the eye, "I’m not going to try to talk sense into your crazy head again, it’s just… Are you sure?”

“It’s my dream.” His answer is honest and candid, there's nothing to do to make come into his damn senses, so I hug him tightly and make a great effort not to start crying again. The Griffins don’t cry, it just happens to rain from their faces sometimes.

It was my grandmother who told me that when I was seven and she was dying. I can still hear her with a cracked voice telling me not to cry. I’m very proud of her, actually — she was a strong woman who survived a war, the death of two sons and a bunch of miscarriages practically all alone because my grandfather was busy fighting in the occupation of Nicaragua and she hadn’t any more family. Why am I thinking about her right now? I don’t know, maybe because of the war topic, maybe because I need some of her strength.

“What did you mean with ‘everything’?”, I suddenly realize.

“Don’t worry, it’s Lexa’s pattern of behavior, this was a foregone conclusion.” I don’t get him… WHAT?! I jump back, literally.

“First of all, what the fuck do you know?”, I start shouting but end up mumbling. It’s not very likely that anyone in the party can hear us but still I don’t feel comfortable discussing such kind of things so near of Lexa… and her lay. “And secondly, why the hell do you know Lexa’s ‘pattern of behavior’?”

“I’m observant, you know that”, he sets out. “It is obvious that Lexa has a crush on you; first those heart eyes, now the hating-flirting… and you’ve been behaving truly weird lately so I just put two and two together.”

“You scare me.” He giggles and pets my head.

“Look, when she came back she was upset, so I guess you two had an argument, am I right?” I nod slowly. “I’ve never seen her so deeply angry, not even when I hit her unintentionally…”

“Yeah… she was really mad that time.”

“What I’m saying is that now she’s not that calm any more.”

“She wants to punish me, I know.” I sigh. "She's just testing my nerves but not because she really trusts me when I say I truly like her but because she thinks I'm so selfish I would like to have her on my feet." He hushes and I sigh deeply. "I just want to make her happy but I'm clumsy when it comes to her."

“So what are you going to do?” I shrug and lay against the brick wall.

“Maybe I should just stay away from her, the only thing I’ve done so far is breaking her heart.”

“But do you really, really like Lexa?” I nod. Of course I do, I wouldn’t have turn my world upside down for nothing.

You know, one thing is knowing that gay, bi, etc. people are perfectly normal and another thing is starting to feel what they feel yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I had never felt 'bad' about my feelings towards Lexa, not thoroughly at least, it’s just that I couldn’t understand what it was, whether it was my imagination or it was real. That confused me and scared me a lot. This is totally new for me, I don't know what to do with this new world. I’ve known a lot of gay people in my life, I know what some of them think about bisexuals and I don't need that. Hell, I know what the straights think about bisexuals too! Am I going to be isolated in society the rest of my life? This attraction to both men and a woman (for now, because I’m pretty sure now that my obsession with Kate Beckinsale it’s not only because of her acting) is already confusing enough; however, I accept it for what it is: me. I don't have a choice, anyway. Now, as I said, that other people condone me as well is another history. Fuck, my mum will probably have a heart attack. Shit, should I tell her already? Shit, shit, shit, my heart is beating fast and I'll start sweating soon.

“Clarke, if you do like her you have to show her,” he tells me, dragging me off my thoughts. “That’s the only way you’ll have a chance. Lexa needs facts, not words.”

“Since when do you know so much about her?” I’m truly curious. It’s not like I’m jealous or anything, I mean, Bell and Lexa? That would be a monstruosity against nature. Ew! I'm fighting not to picture it. Go back to the pits of Hell, you abomination!

“I’ve heard a lot. From Raven.” Ok, that was unexpected. "She talks a lot about her, they are really good friends.”

“Worried?” I smirk, kidding, of course.

“Should I?”, he laughs and I don’t know if he’s just being pretentious. “I have to admit that I was, at least for a second, but Raven told me they are just friends and I trust her, so…” Such a cutie.

“Wow, I expected some joke about threesomes.” I start giving him the applause hid new maturity deserves with a grin stuck to my mouth. “You’ve become a man, Bell.”

“I guess I’m getting old.” He laughs again and I give him another brief but meaningful hug.

“What are you doing, you two?” I ask when the silence is back.

“Talking, for now.” Bellamy releases the sigh that was deeply stuck inside his chest and his jaw tenses for a moment. “We’ll see…”

 

The breaking down is almost here and I've become a total and plain couch potato. Drinking too much? Checked. Table dancing with Raven and O? Checked. Hating my 'not-girlfiend-but-something's stupid lay' from the distance? Checked. Now Lincoln and Octavia are nowhere to be seen (also known as somewhere having sex), neither are Raven and Bell, Gustus is sleeping on a table, Echo is barfing in the bathroom, Jasper is beside me on the floor all passed out and Monty, Lexa, Indra and Anya are outside, looking at the beautiful colors of the sky. I wish I could do that to but A) I don't think I'd be really welcome, and B) I don't think I can get up. My head is like a stuffed animal too full of cotton. Yeah, cotton, that's how my brain feels right now.

My phone has vibrated again tonight and I know that I shouldn't look at it, especially in my current state of mind, but it doesn't seem so wrong right now. Of course it's another text from Finn, this time via Facebook. Gosh, this is going to be too long for me to read now. The fucking bastard has chosen that network to be able to write even more shit. I will not be a coward like him, I won't block him, that will just mean that I care about this and I don't.

> **Finn Collins:** The truth is you really hurt me when you said you didn't loved me. I tried to do my best with you, for you, and you just hit me. Again. Never more. You sad you couldn't just say what people wanted to hear. Me neither. I've undertood that there's no chance on fixing this because you don't want to...

Some people spend their night sleeping, some people spend it partying, and Finn texts me with typos. Reading this is taking me more than usual, some words are blurry. Hell, he has spent days texting me to insult me and block me afterwards and now I'm the devil. I'm starting to understand Lexa... Oh, he has got it! God, finally.

> **Finn Collins: (...)** You have been messing with my feelings, playing with me for two years...

No, Finn, we never played... Like neeeeeeveeeeerrr... I'm so thirsty... I stand up and totter until I get to the faucet and drink at least two liters of water. Only then I go back to the couch and keep reading with my legs up and my head resting carefully in the armrest.

> **Finn Collins: (...)** and I can't stand it anymore, I'm sick of being the good guy. I won't keep suffering because of you anymore. So I'm glad to tell you that our relationship is officially over, for good...

I thought I had already told you that... Goddamnit, there's plenty more, all in one single paragraph!

> **Finn Collins: (...)** The day I tried to make up wth you after your betrayal I had prepared two different messages: one of peace and the other was terrifyng. I decided to send you the first one becasue I cared about you. Huge mistake. I'm sorry but you have not been up enough to my expectations. It's simple, you just have no class at all, you're not worth it. Just accept it. I deserve someone far better than you. A callous, pretentious witch like you... Someone so coward that it's not even able to speak true. What's with Blake, huh? I've heard you were super lovely in the party. You can't stand me anymore? I was th one who decided to put up with you, because you are totally incompatible with my beliefs and morals. But at least I'm loyal, you're not even that. You're acting insane and I won't let you hurt me anymore, I repeat it, I'm fed up of witches like you. Youre not a good person, just on the contrary, so I leave you there with your limited view of the world, your ridiculous arrogance, your thoughts of girl lost in life, and your huge self-shaming, alone. I don't care about you anymore, not at all, you are not worth it. See you never! *party emoji* *smiley face* *party emoji* *smiley face* *party emoji* *smiley face* *party emoji* *smiley face**party emoji* 

I look at the text blinking again and again. Someone I'm not dating anymore since... about a month is breaking up with me after I broke up with him. Cool. I don't know how I've made it to read everything but I'll omit the fact that half the text makes no sense at all and in the other half he's sending me to hell and accusing me of cheating on him and witchcraft. He's such a child, but this has been one of his less insulting texts lately. I like the 'witch' parts because I'm a Gryffindor, and a lioness. Oh, Lexa, Anya, Monty and Indra are back... Lexa's the only one that doesn't look at me. You know what? I swear that I'm going to crush her world. May the odds be in my favor.

I look at my phone for the last time and somehow I smile. It may be the exhaustion, the hangover, my still present drunken state or just the bunch of hypocresy on that text in addition to, yeah, he has blocked me again and I can't send a reply. Shocking...

"Well, Avada Kedavra, bitch", I shout louder than I expected and throw my phone to the other side of the couch.

Jasper wakes up all of a sudden.

"No! Protego!" And I lose my shit. That wouldn't make any difference, Jas.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think is unlikely that I can upload another chapter on Friday so, see you on Monday!


	11. So now it's my moment and I'll get the girl.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11
> 
> Picnic list:  
> \- Basket.  
> \- Healthy food.  
> \- Cutlerie.  
> \- Righteousness.  
> \- Picnic rug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, as I promised.  
> Sorry for the delay, this week has been exhausting =,(

**April 25 th 2016\. Clarke. **

Once my exams are far far away again, I’m finally ready to fight. I know what you’re thinking, it’s been more than a month but I can’t rush my plans, guys. I have to be very, very careful. Let’s be realistic, Lexa had to cool down after my last screw-up and I also know for sure that she is not receptive at all when there are exams in sight. Now, however, we’re both free, young and single so this is my moment and I’m going to get the girl. I'm telling you, we have been doing stupid things and playing hide-and-seek for too long, I'm ending this right now and she's going to love me and we'll have our happily ever after. Yeah, well, that has been a bit extreme, at least we'll have an official relationship and this insanity will stop. For a long time I’ve been pondering about what I can do to make her like me again, or at least not hating me too much (we both know I’ll do something to piss her off again, I’m a master by nature in the art of ruffling feathers) and I have come up with a profesional plan to dazzle her. 

It’s lunch time, which means that Raven is having sex with Bell, Monty and Jasper are dangerously eating in the lab while finishing their potentially mortal project and only Octavia is available to make me company. Well, she’s actually looking forward having lunch with Lincoln and she doesn't hide it. I don’t know either if I have to find new friends or start dating myself to keep me busy while all my friends get some (...love, of course). Almost three years... Anyway, where was I? Oh, right! The handsome Lincoln. Of course, this young man in question is already having lunch with all the group. Lexa’s there, happily eating her fish and chips (yeah, cafeteria food). She has her glasses on and she looks so fucking adorable that I don't know either if I want to hug her until her eye balls go off or to die now. Focus, Clarke, focus.

When we approach the table, Lincoln and Echo are the only ones who smile at me, and it's been the pity kind of smile. It’s been like this for a month, as you could imagine. Anya doesn’t even bother to look at me, Indra does it with murderous eyes and I swear that what I’ve heard has been a growl from Gustus. On the other hand, Lexa stares at me with a straight face, no likeness, not hatred, just a straight face completely emotionless. It could be worse, I guess. Or not. As soon as I sit down, she finishes her food in record time and stands up. Great, she's avoiding me unbashedly. I sigh and when she starts leaving with Anya and Indra I follow them to the hall.

“Lexa!” She doesn’t even bother to turn, she just keeps ignoring me and walking. “Commander!” It's like I’m talking to the walls. “Alexandria!”

Oh…now she’s stopped. Maybe that wasn’t my best move. See? I can’t stop screwing everything up. I should learn to shut up someday, right? Yeah, I thought so. Lexa turns around slowly and looks at me with a straight face.

“Calling me like my mother does won’t make me any less angry at you, if that’s what you’re trying”, she says in such a cold voice that I think I'm starting to feel hypothermia symptoms.

“Yeah, sorry, I…” I look at our public, they’re staring with fierce looks and I think Indra's neck vein will blow up. “Can we have a word in private?”

When I finish talking, Indra steps up in a protective way and I swear she would like to hammer my head with a spear and look me bleed out with a huge smile in her face. Anya just observes us quietly, I know she’s testing me somehow and that only makes me more nervous. Maybe if I don’t disappoint her this time she won’t kill me in the most horrible way. Oh! Indra would do it even if I turned to be Mother Teresa, for sure.

“Don’t you dare giving another step forward”, she mumbles.

“Indra”, Lexa says steadily to stop her.

“If only you let me…”, I'd try harder to make her come to her senses but I’m too afraid of her ripping my limbs.

“I said you won’t…!”

“Enough!” Wow, Lexa’s shouting at Indra, I didn’t believe this could be possible and it looks like neither did they. “I’ll catch you up in a minute.”

Both girls stay put for a moment, frowning at her. Indra is tensing her jaw so hard that I’m afraid she will break her teeth. Finally, Anya gestures at her and they disappear through the left corridor in the direction of their next class. Only when they’re finally gone and we can’t hear their steps anymore, I catch Lexa’s severe gaze.

“Well?”, she says with a dead voice that gives me goose bumps.

“Lexa…” I sigh and get a little closer to her. She stiffens. Shit. “Look, I think it’s high time you and me talked.”

“We are talking, Clarke.” Too much sass for her, too much sass for me, too much sass for this world.

“Not like this, I mean a real talk”, I assure her. “Please, give me a chance to explain myself, meet me tonight in the library.”

“I don’t really see why I should do that, Dr. Griffin.” This is just getting worse and worse and this time I think this is not my fault. “I think you’ve had too many opportunities for what you really deserve.” Her emotionless face is killing me slowly. The worst part is that she's right.

“Maybe…”, I condone and push a little more stepping forward once more. “But I want to do things right, either to solve our problems or end this up for good.”

She seems to be pondering my words and the chance I’m giving her to close this chapter of our lives. I counted on that already although ending this up forever wasn't exactly what I wanted to say. Now that I’m so close to her I can appreciate better her cuteness. Dear Aphrodite, those black, square glasses… When some girls wear glasses they look like naughty, sexy secretaries, you know? Lexa’s is not the case, she looks so natural and innocent I just want to kiss her and cuddle with her, hug her until she falls asleep and then take off her glasses for her not to break them or hurt herself. After that I’d fall asleep next to her and have the best and happiest dreams I’ve ever had.

Deeply drought in my happy thoughts I almost miss her light nod.

“Before dinner.”

 

There are two minutes or so left and I’m shivering. I have everything prepared: Monty gave me the key and promised to keep this as a secret no questions asked; Octavia and Lincoln helped me getting the picnic stuff and food, Bell and Raven helped me placing everything in its place and Jasper gave me some fancy relaxing and romantic music. Maybe I should have told the gang what this was about but that would only have overloaded this plan with unnecessary drama and that’s the last thing I need tonight. Everything is perfect, even I am. I’d be lying if I told you that I’m not wearing war garments, I just need every single little help I can have and this formal sleeveless short dress and my updo are going to make me look as soft, serious and warm as I want her to see me tonight. I’m not playing, this is serious, I am serious.

I have arranged everything on the biggest table in the library. Don’t worry, wearing a dress won’t be an obstacle to have dinner sitting on it, I’ve thought this over very carefully. When I start hearing steps I click play in the stereo and soft violin music starts playing. Lexa’s finally here. She’s not wearing her glasses anymore and her silky, curly hair falls as a waterfall over her shoulders, covered by a light jersey. She looks around when the music starts and forrows her eyebrows.

“I thought we could have a little picnic”, I say, for a moment unable to move.

“In the library.” Ok, it may be weird, I concede her that. She’s still in the threshold, why is she still in the threshold?

“This…” I point around, “…was the first place I’m sure I felt attracted to you, so I thought it was a good place to have this talk at long last.” I gesture her to come to the table and I sit on it, making sure my legs keep properly closed. This is important, I don’t want to mess this up.

Lexa and her still straight, emotionless face come closer and sit in front of me, beside the mashed potatoes. I give her the cutlery and encourage her to start serving herself. This music is really something beautiful, I have to remember thanking Jasper for this. She takes a plate and puts some potatoes and a vegetal toasted sandwich in it. When I said that Octavia and Lincoln helped me with the food I meant making sandwiches, we are terrible cooks. However, I think the food is delicious and it looks like she's pleased with it.

She won’t say a word, I know that, so I’d better start talking.

“I don’t really remember how we met or the first time we talked.” Righteousness above all, right? I just hope she doesn’t leave. “I can remember seeing you in Biology class and thinking that you were super smart but way too serious.” I giggle at that memory and she looks at me carefully. “I even remember hearing some jokes about your supossed pretentiousness and having a stick up your ass and laughing at them.” Lexa clenches her jaw and grits her teeth. I’ll better hurry to get to the point or she'll jump at me and not in the good way. I leave my sandwich on my plate, take a sip of water and clear my throat. “Then I started dating Finn and he told me all those awful things about you. He called you selfish, devil, monster, witch.” I can't help laughing briefly at that last one, sorry. “I started molding my own impression about you in my head. A fake one, obviously.”

“We’re two on that”, she says bitterly. I don’t understand her, or maybe I prefer to be oblivous at this moment, but she seems not to care to elaborate it a little more so I just keep telling the story.

“When I saw you drunk at the party I have to say that it was the best moment I had in all that week." She snorts but I won't stop. "You were so funny and then the fight happened and you got hurt and started bleeding and… gosh. I was scared but you know how epinephrine works so we called an ambulance and… you became my first patient in the meantime.”

“What an honor.” Sassy Commander is back but I have to keep going no matter what.

“Then Jaha put us together in the project and I thought I had had the worst luck ever.” Lexa takes a bite of her sandwich. Fuck, I’m losing her attention… “And then we started working together and meeting while Raven hit on you and somehow you remained oblivious all the time." At these words, she chokes with a piece of food and starts coughing like crazy. I hurry to give her some water. I prefer fucking this up by making her madder at me to fucking this up by killing her. “I realized you were a hard worker and nicer than I expected at first. And the Halloween party arrived and Finn and I had an argument… another one, and I got upset so I came here and I found you working. I found you.” Her sandwich is now on her plate as mine is and she’s finally listening carefully to my story. Good. “Do you remember? Finn had told me that you liked me but I hadn’t believed him because you were always so proper, so serious. But the way you looked at me that night… that’s a stare I’ll never forget." Damn, her gaze is so intense right now I'm struggling to keep talking without stuttering. "That look threw shivers to my spine in the best way and your flustered face made me crave to hug you tight but I didn't.” I sigh, my eyes fixed in the food, unable to look at her anymore. I’m feeling the blood coming quickly my face, reddening my skin. Breathe, Clarke, breathe. “That night you got me, somehow you were capable of understanding me more than anyone else and I found myself flirting with you.”

“Flirting with me?”, she blurts out with a painful disbelief. This is not possible…

“You really are oblivious, aren’t you?” She doesn’t say a word, she just quirks an eyebrow. “Lexa, I spent weeks bothered about what happened that night and I thought you were playing it cool so I just…”

“I thought you were upset about what I said about Finn.” WHAT?! Ok, this is just unexpected…

“Well, you were right, weren’t you? I knew how my boyfriend was.” Lexa releases a huff and I smile. “The next big moment might have been our first shopping day. Goddamnit, you were so beautiful with that white dress you took my breath away and left me speechless, I had a real tachycardia.” I close my eyes for a moment. I can remember that day, that precise stint when the sight of her punched me in the face. I swallow, damn, God bless that dress. “Really, in the moment I thought I would have to call an ambulance and then you came up with that awesome plan to cover O and Lincoln and that was so brave and clever we fangirled in secret about it for a week.” She’s smiled, that is a smile. “And don’t you dare lying to me, that time we texted after our presentation you were flirting with me.”

“I was not…” Lexa looks outraged but I don’t buy it.

“You so were.”

“I didn’t mean it exactly like that.” Her smile starts fading into a sad, nostalgic grimace.

“I was flirting too.” She looks up to meet my eyes. “I knew I was, I just couldn’t help it.”

We look at each other trying to decipher the meaning between the other’s eyes. At some point I even lose myself in those green, vast forests she has in her eyes.

“Can I ask you something?” Of course I nod, that's why we're here. ”What was your last text going to say?”

Damn it, that question. Of all the questions in the world that she could have asked me it has to be this one. I blush so hard I’m officially a tomato girl and she looks at me with a renewed curiosity that I don’t like, not even a little bit. Shit, she’s waiting for a reply.

“Something inappropriate.” I clear my throat and avert her gaze so as not to start blushing furiously. “I kept deleting it and writing it again in different ways but it was still completely out of place.” Lexa quirks an eyebrow and throws me a little piece of a napkin. She will keep doing that until I tell her, she’s such a child… Damn. I fake ponder, I don't need it, I remember that fucking text as if I were writing it now. “It was something like ‘I can show you how funny I can be’ but it just sounded too dirty in my head.”

Definitely, we’ve officially broken every blushing record. We both go back to our dinner in silence for a bit until I calm down and I’m ready to keep going, adnd that takes some time, believe me.  We are finally arriving to a sore point, I’m afraid, but this is the source of our problems and the main thing we have to talk about.

“Christmas passed and I thought everything had gone back to normal. I didn’t feel different at all, the memory of you had just gone a little blurry and I lied to myself again and assured that what I was feeling was just the result of our deep friendship.” I sigh and put one of the loose locks of my updo behind my ear. “Yet, when the party came everything fell apart again.” Her whole body tenses but it’s obvious she wants to hear this, we both need it. "Listen, that night you were so beautiful, so… enticing that I kept telling myself that everything was ok even if it wasn’t, not at all. I didn’t understand why I was feeling my stomach churning when I looked at you or heard your sweet laugh and I didn’t dare to think of it, I just went tipsy and the alcohol made me feel that it wasn’t such a big deal so I followed you to the bathroom.” My mouth is so completely dry that I drink a whole glass of water and clear my throat. “I tried to push myself out of there really hard, I tried,believe me, please. I was looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking that what I was doing, what I was feeling was absolutely wrong, but at the same time it didn’t feel that way. Then I kissed you and it was one of the best things I had felt in… years, actually. I lost control in that overwhelming... sea of pleasure, Lexa, I'm so sorry. When I realized, my world collapsed and everything I thought I was just started falling down. What can you do when the bricks of the wall you thought you have built so well start falling? You try to hold them back in their place, conceal the feeling.” I sniff but, fortunately, I’m pretty sure I won’t cry. She doesn’t say a word. “I didn’t know yet that I liked you because I refused to accept the fact that I wasn’t who I had thought all my life and I tried to erase it so I lied to you and to myself even when I noticed that something was off with you.” Nothing. “In my defense I’ll say that I didn’t imagine you could possibly feel like that, it’s not rational.”

“It is for me, Clarke.”

“I know that now.” Her look softens a bit, that’s good. “Raven talked to me, she told me that you were feeling bad for what happened at the party, and I must admit that I was angry with you.”

“YOU were angry with me?!” Now she’s the upset one.

“Because you told her that I had kissed you, you disclosed that fact. I felt…”, I inhale trying to ease the weird sensation in my stomach that comes with the words, “… exposed.”

Contrary to my previous belief, Lexa keeps quiet, she only looks at her plate and finishes her sandwich. For a second I wonder if I should wait until she says something but I... I just need to keep talking, I can’t stop otherwise I’ll not be able to carry on. Damn, I’m starting to feel dizzy.

“I don’t remember having been more terrified in my life than I was when I saw you motionless, almost sleeping with your eyes closed in that car.” The mere memory still makes my heart beat too fast. “I’ve never felt more relieved than when you opened your eyes and told me you were fine, either.” Her gaze goes to some point in the background between my shoulder and my face. I swallow, maybe I should omit facts that the impulse of kissing her tender skin when I was supposed to be massaging her neck. That gorgeous neck. I’m a horrible almost-doctor. “Because of that and… some more reasons, that night I got very upset, or nervous. I tried to erase those feelings, I tried to shut down every single thought of you, the sound of your laugh or how fucking gorgeous you were with that green dress.” I cough, I can’t help it. Really, I could fangirl about her ass with that dress all night long, but I won't. “I hate your parents, for the record.”

“Yeah, me too, keep going.” Wow, she sounds anxious.

“Then Finn started to behave like a prick and… well, anyway, you punched him and we hit the road as if we were some…”, I blush, again, “… lovers running from their families and I remember myself feeling great but then I panicked because, hell, I was dating Finn and everything was crazy.” I exhale thoroughly and try to inhale again but not so much air enters. Fuck. Relax, Clarke, relax. “Then you started hurting me.” She frowns and I hurry to keep going. “With your beautiful face and your cuteness and you were my friend, for God’s sake, I couldn’t be feeling anything like that, our thing should have been just a friendship, right? I didn’t want to lie to you, neither I wanted to be true but I tried…”

“No, you didn’t, you said you were just curious…”

“I kind of was, I also told you I liked the kiss and I got scared because it was true.” I wish I wasn’t so afraid right now to sit a little closer. I want to take her hand so bad. “That night I wasn’t sure if you were being so fucking cool because you understood me or because you were trying not to punch me in the face.”

“Both.” Good to know.

“I tried to forget everything during the holidays. I tried to numb my heart and keep being oblivious but… well, you know the next part.” That’s it, I’ve done it, I’m a freaking Gryffindor, aren’t I? Now it's her turn. Her turn. Your turn, Lexa. SAY SOMETHING!

“You were upset when you knew about Raven and me,” she says and draws goofy smirk on her face.

“I was livid,” I correct her and her smile just goes wider. “Look, Lexa.” I move the plates away and sit next to her, with my feet down to a chair. “I thought of meeting you here and telling you something cheesy like ‘you were right, I don’t know you, tell me everything’ but that’s just cheap and not what we need.” I grab her hand and she finally lets me so I caress it with my thumb. “I’ve met you here because I want you to know the truth of me and my feelings, and also because I needed to say it out loud to finally piece everything together, but I do want to get to know you better, to learn about you, not now, not tomorrow but for the longest time we can have.” My hand goes up to her chin and her cheek and she just looks at me in silence. “Can we have that? Can you give me a last chance?”

Time seems to stop in that moment, in that very spell in which she processes my words and ponders her answer. In what seems like an hour I try to decipher her stare when she looks at me, to understand the light shadow of a grin on her lips and the way her fingers hit the wooden table once and again. Finally, she nods. YES. YES. YESYESYESYESYESYESYES…!!!! SHE HAS NODDED, THAT WAS CLEARLY A NOD!! I lean for a kiss but she pushes me back in the last second. Wait, she has nodded, SHE HAS. What’s happening now? What have I done now? I can’t believe I have dropped the ball again, it’s physically impossible.

“I want to take this slow,” she sets out before my confused look and, in fact, I totally get her. Maybe this is for the best,even if her plumplips are practically calling me.

“A hug, at least?” I smirk. Actually, I would be happy just with a hand shake.

She turns and stands up, finally on the floor. Damn, she’s going away, isn’t she? No, she isn’t, she smiles me back and wraps me with her arms. Yay! I bury my face in her shoulder and kiss it softly. It's an innocent kiss, I swear. She smells so fucking great... I’ve made it! She likes me, she does! My heart beats so fast after everything that has happened that I’m starting to feel the exhaustion and the dizziness that my effort has left me. Can she feel it? Can she feel my heart beating between my spine and her chest? I bet on it, that’s why she hugs me tighter and kisses my head. This feels like floating, I didn't know a simple hug could feel like this, honestly. 

I don’t know how long we stay like this, maybe a few seconds, maybe half an hour. I just don’t want to let her go. She is here, so close to me at last that I don't like letting her go any time soon. I move over the chair and she relocates herself in between my legs. Damn it, I would hang from her back like a koala and never leave her. Ok, Clarke, stop, you're being weird. She kisses my clavicle and I shiver. Don’t worry, that was just another innocent kiss, everything is going to be slow… She pushes me back a little. No, Lexa! I whimper at the loss of contact and she smiles at me, looking into my eyes like I was some precious stone. I can see some fear deep inside her, though, something that I really want to erase, but that doesn’t really bother her when she kisses my cheek softly. Is she going to…? Yes, she is. Carefully, she closes the gap between us and presses her lips tenderly over mine. I suck her plump lower lip into my mouth and enjoy how she tenderly worships mine with hers. Heaven, I can feel the sparks of their shadow when the lips are gone.

“Sorry, Clarke, I need the ste…”, when I open my eyes I suddenly see Jasper looking at us as if we were burying a corpse.

“Jasper!” I unintentionally push her back. He is so pale I’m afraid he’s going to pass out.

“Ok… ok… I’m just… leaving.” he gives us a mischievous smile. Just great. “Keep going you two.”

I sigh deeply and suddenly realize that Lexa is not between my legs anymore. Where the…? She’s grabbing her cell phone, why is she doing that? Hey, wait, is she going away? She turns around and starts striding to the door.

“Lexa!” I already know how this goes, she won’t answer my calls so I run after Lexa and manage to stop her. She has that deadpan, blank expression on her face again, but she’s red and her eyes are all glassy, inevitably shedding some teardrops. Ok, now I’m confused. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I try to wipe her tears but she shoves my hand away.

“Stop, Clarke! I don’t really know if you are doing this because you are bored or you’re just clumsy but this…”, she points her and me, “…is not what you want or need, so stop playing games with me.”

“I don’t… why are you saying this now? I thought everything was ok, we were fine two minutes ago.” I don’t understand what’s going on, everything was great and then… plop! She’s crying… No, babe, don’t cry…

“And then you pushed me”, ooohhh… wait, what? Oh, shit! “Are you so embarrassed of what you ‘feel’ that you have to push me if one of your awesome and supportive friends sees us?”

“No, Lexa, I didn’t do that because…”

“Your last chance is over, Clarke. Five whole minutes.” Her laugh is bitter and totally intended to hurt me. She successes. “Don’t ever talk to me again.”Just like that, with no further explanation, she goes leaving me frozen in my position.

What the fuck has just happened? Fuck. My. Life.

 

 

**May 30 th 2016\. Clarke.**

Thirty five days since we last talked. Thirty five days since she basically told me she didn’t want me in her life anymore. I certainly don’t blame her but I neither understand how something so carefully prepared and that was going so fucking well, SO FUCKING GREAT, could go to hell that fast. However, I dropped the ball again. I didn’t mean to push her, really, and if I did, it wasn’t because I was afraid of Jas seeing us together… I don’t think so. I just didn’t expect anyone to appear and I was taken aback, I don’t know, not even now can I understand exactly what happened. Everything happened just too fast.

It goes without saying that things between Lexa and I have not been going well at all, she doesn’t even text me back or talk to me, and the group has suffered it. We almost don’t see Indra, Anya and Gus anymore; Echo comes with us sometimes but obviously it’s not enough. Lincoln and Octavia have suffered it the most, and I know it’s my fault and my friends don’t deserve this so I have started staying in my room studying more and more often for them to be able to go out together. My social life is basically shit now but at least my grades are better than ever. What’s a broken heart compared to outstanding grades, right? Mom was right when she told me I must concentrate in my studies, it’s healthier and you just end up with mild desires of throwing yourself through a window. Maybe I should keep doing it this way until the end of the year but I need to spend time with Bell at least, we don’t have so much to waste.

Talking about Bellamy, he broke up with Raven last week. They still love each other but they know that their relationship must stop for each other’s sake. Raven won’t handle that he's in the army under constant risk of dying and he needs her to be happy above all. She’s here with me now, studying… or texting. Well, she had a doubt about her project so she’s asking her TA, who has turned out to be just a middly prick, for what I know. They’re pretty much the same, that’s why they can’t get along.

“Fucker!”, she shouts, writes something down and throws her phone to the end of the bed.

I look at her with a quirked eyebrow and she lies down on the bed, turning to the wall not to see anyone. I leave my Semiology book and climb her bed to cuddle with her. Then, she sighs and rolls over to rest her head against my chest.

“What has he done?”

“Nothing unusual, really.” Raven clicks her tongue and hugs me. “I’m just stressed.”

This is pretty much the Raven-signal to show how fucked up she is because of her break up, and I don’t even need to study Semiology to know that. I hug her tightly for ten minutes before straddling her and starting tickling her sides. She twists raggedly under my body, laughing uncontrollably and I only stop when she starts crying, throwing myself next to her in the bed.

“You’re evil,” she says, still giggling, and hits my side playfully.

“And you’re violent.” 

The door opens out of the blue, taking us both aback and Octavia appears with a dangerous look on her face. Uh, oh…

“I’m sure I’ve heard some tickling to which I’ve not been invited.” Damn, damn, damn…

She jumps at the bed and starts tickling both of us with great skill. We twist and try to stop her but this damn tiny girl is way too strong for her complexion. I can’t stop laughing and twirling and my ribs start hurting. Damn, I can’t breathe and I’m starting feeling dizzy because of the hypoxia. Fortunately, she stops soon enough and falls on us tired but giggling. Give us a second and we’ll have our revenge. No sooner said than done, we end up exhausted and the racket has drawn the attention of some neighbors like those girls, Monroe and Harper, to whom we apologize. After closing the door, we start laughing again.

“We have to go out tonight”, Octavia says, lying with half of her body over me, her head on the pillow and only half of her torso over Raven. Thank God she’s a light weight.

“Not in the mood”, says Raven.

“Out of the limits of my exile.” That’s me, and I’m very true. I don’t feel like bumping into Lexa and getting that angry look again, my heart is chopped enough already.

“Oh, come on!” Octavia sits on her knees, sticking her elbow in my ribs on her way.

“Ahh! Octavia!” Damn it. I rub my side lavishly.

“You’re like two old grandmas”, she complains.

“We’re not going.” Raven, voice of the people. We’re so not…

 

Yeah, we’re at the party. Another frat one, for a change. Please, note my sarcastic tone saying this. We go right to the alcohol section and… yeah, there’re whisky, vodka and gin bottles to get the whole campus drunk. I’m having gin, and just a little, I have to study tomorrow. Yes, it's Saturday; yes, I’ve just finished my mid-terms, and no, I have nothing better to do. Well, I have but I won’t because I’m not in the right state of mind to do that. God, as soon as we distract ourselves getting our drinks we already have like four fuckboys surrounding us with lustful, dirty stares. Two of them are cute, I have to admit that. However, I’m not in the mood and they creep me the fuck out so, sorry but no thanks. Octavia has her ‘you come here and I’ll cut off your dicks’ look on display but they’re too drunk or too stupid to realize.

“Hey, gurlz”, slurs one of the cute ones. He must be twenty five, or maybe twenty six, anyway older than us, even if his blond long hair and his soft beard may make him look even older. “What are your names?”

“I’m Olivia, this one is Rachel and she is Charlotte”, Octavia rushes to say. “And we all have boyfriends so… get out of here, try with that group, they’re drunker than us.” I love this girl.

The boys don’t seem to be too convinced but then their faces change and they step back slowly. For a second I’m afraid they are suffering from _delirium tremens_ or something but the space is suddenly too small and I realize Lincoln’s here, kissing his girlfriend. Bell’s here too and Raven’s face has fallen. She doesn’t last too much in his presence, before I can even notice it she’s gone. Shit. I grimace at him apologizing and go after her. I push away tones of drunk people and look high and low but she has disappeared. The only person known that I see is Lexa, it couldn’t be other way. Her hair is in a perfect and partially braided ponytail and she's wearing a white loose shirt over black jeans and boots. She may be ethereally hot but she also looks adorable as always. Not just cute, she’s the cutest girl ever. Oh, she’s seen me! I don’t even bother to smile at her this time, I just can’t, the grin won’t appear, I've run out of those. When I go back to my friends they’re taking shots. Ok, buckle up world because Clarke Griffin is back.

Someone, maybe Octavia, gives me the first and it’s huge. One, two, three… No, I can’t. Come on, Clarke, it’s just whisky, you have done this before MANY times. One, two… No, I can’t.

“Clarke! Don’t be a baby and drink.” I thought the one shouting was Octavia because of the energy, but she’s doing body shots with Lincoln under Bellamy’s irritated gaze. No, the girl is Anya and she’s talking to me and not taking off my eyeballs.

I take the shot instantly, I can’t lose this moment of unusual closeness with the girl. Se cheers at me and drinks one herself. If she’s not with Lexa, where’s she? Not that I care, I’m partying on my own. Another shot and my world starts looking brighter. Three years ago this would have been the appetizer; however, I know my liver and my brain are thanking me for having cut down on alcohol through these years. This is enough for me, I’m feeling funny, I may even need some water to clean my mouth. Water… not a drop in the fridge, of course, and the sink is full of vomit, I’m not leaning there. The bathroom! Of course, the bathroom.

When I arrive upstairs to the tidiest bathroom I’ve thought there would be, I realize there’s no people queuing. This is my lucky night, I guess. No, it’s not, the bathroom’s door is locked. Great, simply great. The fading music coming from downstairs changes to some song with a quieter beginning and in the precise moment the tickling sound starts I hear it.

“… my period.”

“Then?” Raven? What is she doing there?

“Then, you don’t feel well and we’re going to fix that”. I know that voice so well at first I can’t believe it. Lexa and Raven, again.

My lungs collapse, both of them at the same time, or at least it feels like it. Moreover, I think I'm being induced in bradycardia and I'm starting to have cold sweat, what do I diagnose to myself? My heart has broken into a million pieces, it's only dust in the wind and I'm bleeding inside so much I'll have an hypovolemiac shock. Well, well... I need to sit. The floor is disgusting... I need to lean against something, so I do it against the nearest wall, beside the door. It could seem nonsensical but I feel like I'm dying, like I've got shot or speared. I can't breathe, I can't feel, I can't react. Air, I need air, come on, Clarke, breathe. THOSE ARE FUCKING MOANS! I blink a few times before I'm able to try inhaling, and it takes me a few more attempts to finally do it. My mind is blurry, I need to think but I know that if I do that I'll get furious and I don't have the energy to do that. Come on, Clarke, be brave, be strong! So I push myself to focus despite the groans and whines of pleasure coming from the other side of the wall.

Raven, my best friend, my roommate, ~~fucking~~ being fucked by Lexa, the girl I lo... like, the intelligent, serious and cute girl in my Bio class, my friend. MY LEXA AND MY RAVEN. Ok, ok, calm down, calm down... Breathe. I can’t blame Raven, she’s not in her best moment now; furthermore, she knows little about my feelings for Lexa (which is 100% my fault, I KNOW). I don’t think Bell has told her anything. But Lexa. She knows what I… She knows that I… Raven is one of my best friends and she hasn't given a shit about it. That must be illegal, immoral at least. We are not on speaking terms right now but ignoring the other doesn't mean that you can go and fuck her friends because that's fucking backstabbing. That's what she is, a ruthless fucking traitor. Damn, I’m glad the music drowns their sighs otherwise I will… probably do nothing. Let's be realistic, Lexa's not even my friend right now, she's just my almost... something, my almost girlfriend or my non-friend, maybe even my nearly enemy. The suffocating weight on my chest starts feeling pretty heavy, like a heart attack but without the pain in my arm, and also without the ischemia thing. Well, I do feel my heart perishing slowly. My breathe is still superficial and I’m about to cry but I don’t feel like dying any time soon anymore. They, otherwise, I would not be so sure. Of course the music would turn low enough to allow me to hear Raven’s loudest moans, Raven moaning at Lexa’s ministrations in between her legs. Hell, I need to punch something, or vomit. I go downstairs faster than I ever thought I could run wearing high heels and lean against a wall. Breathe, breathe, don’t cry, breathe... A tear runs down my cheek. Fuck. Fuck...

“Klork! Wanna do some body shots?” I look up to see Octavia and Anya in front of me, both of them too drunk to be true. With a naughty look, Anya grabs my wrist waiting for my response. You know what? Two can play to that twisted backstabbing game.

“Hell yeah.”

 


	12. I do mean it now and forever, I promise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12
> 
> Packing tips:  
> \- Roll, don't fold.  
> \- Make a packing list.  
> \- Try not to crease your garments once you've packed them.  
> \- Procrastination is not your friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a lot of fun writing this fic and I hope you have had it too reading it. Thank you for all the comments and the support.  
> May we meet again,  
> Volk

 

**June 25 th 2016\. Lexa. 8:15 AM**

My bedroom is extremely quiet while I lay on the bed now Anya is not here. It’s been a while since I woke up to start collecting my stuff in order to pack; however, instead of doing that I’m lying on my bed once again, one last time this year. To be true, I didn’t sleep very well last night.  The reason why? Anya and I had a fight. It was not a huge one but it was enough to keep me awake for hours, almost until breakdown. It was stupid, actually, I can’t even remember what it was about — maybe the alarm I set for today, the height of the blinds, perhaps. Something irrational, that’s for sure. We had never argued before, not in almost twenty years and that’s our whole life. When did we change? Or I should better ask myself: when did I change? Because I did, I changed into the most awful version of me. Lately I’ve been in the worst of moods and it’s not her fault, not even though she has been spending an insane amount of time with certain blonde during this last month. Not that I care, at all. She can befriend whoever she wants, pretending anything else would be incredibly selfish of me and that’s something I can say for sure I’m not.

Clarke Griffin, she’s the egoistic one and the reason why everything in my life has been a huge ball of shit after shit after shit (except for my grades, those are awesome, which is important because it is the only thing I feel like I can be happy of). The only thing that has improved in my life since her arrival has been my capability of keeping calm and relaxing, and she hasn't even had anything to do with that. The thing is I've learnt that if I’m anxious or angry or sad because of anything like exams, homework, ~~her~~ , friendships, etc. I just have to find a girl. Bless master Raven, she was so right: sex is the release for any tension, and I’ve been utterly tense this year. I think it’s been so shitty that I’ve run out of lady lovers in the whole campus, which is a problem given that I don’t like to repeat.No, I'm nor being a dickhead, I just don’t feel well doing it.

What a year. An awful one, I mean. More accurately, what a horrible couple of years. Ever since I met Clarke my life has fallen down into the deepest, filthiest well and there seems to be no exit in sight. At first it was bad but then she decided to start playing with me and my feelings like a spoiled princess playing with her dolls, enticing me and dropping me again and again till the point I really believed her for a second. For fuck's sake, I was so fucking stupid to believe for real she could love me but I knew something was off. With Clarke nothing is ever true. Yet, I saw her there, beautiful, powerful and secure, wearing that amazing dress and looking at me with her big blue eyes and I just… Of course she was just playing, again. I’m so over her I don’t know why I’m thinking of her right now, I don’t even understand why I still have her number.

I grab my phone quickly and unlock the screen. I have two texts, one from Indra remembering me to pack my shoes and the other one is older, dating back to yesterday, from Raven. She wanted me to give her back her pen-drive. Yeah, yeah, but this is not what I was looking for. There she is, amongst my contacts, her name looking at me, scoffing at me. ‘Sky Princess’. Why haven’t I changed that nickname yet? Everything has been over for a long while and I should move on, I need to. My finger moves by its own to her name and presses it for a while, maybe wanting to feel it, to sense every vocal, every consonant of it. The screen changes and an option panel appears asking me if I want to call her, edit the contact or delete it. My life depicted on a cell phone, really curious and also sad. Call her. Edit. Delete. Call. Edit. Delete. Call. Edit. Delete. Fuck my life, fuck my phone; I throw it to the corner of the bed and stand up to make something productive with my life and start packing.

 

It’s 8:50 AM and Anya’s not here yet, she must be with her super new best friend helping her packing or waking her up. I huff while rolling one of my jeans and I place it carefully in my half-done valise. I look at her side of the room and grab my military shorts to roll them and put them in the suitcase. Of course, she hasn’t tidied her part yet, she hasn’t even made her bed. I slowly shake my head and go to the bathroom to take my toiletry bag but when I’m there and examine my reflection in the mirror I stop. I need to do something with my hair, it’s all messy and it has no form today. I sigh and look at Anya's hair irons. Should I…? Yeah, why not?

Definitely, I didn’t know where I was getting myself into when I started, it’s being already half an hour and I have straighten just the half of it but it’s not like I can stop here now. And I don’t. It takes me a whole hour but my hair is successfully straight (only my hair, though, sorry mom) and it’s… freaking hell! It’s really long. I curl it a bit in the ends to create some soft waves and I grab Raven’s USB. Not that I’ve done my hair to go to that room or anything like that, of course. I’m not so pathetic, I don’t want to look good in case someone is there. Ok, ok, that may have helped but it’s not because I want Clarke to see how hot I am because we haven’t seen each other for over a month and she may have forgotten but because I want to feel the most secure I can when she’s present.

I’m right about to knock on the wooden door when it opens and someone almost runs me over. Wow, who…? It takes me a second to clear my mind but when I do it I can see Anya, MY ANYA, in front of me. Her wide eyes meet my sharp scowl and she steps back, surprised and trying not to hit me. I just observe her from head to feet: her hair is ok, her clothes are in their place and she has not visible hickeys or swollen lips. Good, good… However, her face immediately changes into a half repressed, half exposed smile and I realize I’m frowning and my jaw is taut. I’m going to say something but she’s faster.

“Go in now, you goon”, she says and disappears through the staircase.

Huh? I look at an empty corridor, still confused by what has just happened. What was she doing in…? What does she me-…?

“Did you want anything or are you going to stay in my doorstep forever?”, an aloof voice startles me and I have to turn to keep my balance and not hitting the door with my head. I would be neither the first person to have a skull fracture due to a scare nor the last one.

Clarke’s there, of course, it’s her bedroom too. If I had that skull fracture I’m sure she would push the bones until she formed a hole and then she’d put some salt in it — at least that’s what she’s done with my heart. Clarke doesn’t look at me but even then she already knows who I am. She may think that looking politely at people is too workclass for her royal grace. For the record, I’m equally taken aback and glad she’s waken up early to pack calmly and not in a rush as she always does; maybe Anya has taught her something after all. Her hair's also really long now but I can’t understand how she manages to keep it so gorgeous. Lexa, don’t, you came here with a mision.

“Right.” I clear my throat and rise the USB before placing it on Raven’s bedside table. “I just wanted to give that back to Raven.”

“Hmph”, she huffs violently while folding some shirts. Whatever…

“Bye”, I mumble and make for the door.

“See you never”, she says in a plummy voice that makes my ears beep. "Try not to finger another one of my closest friends on your way… if you can control yourself, of course.”

Excuse me? Control myself? What am I, a nymphomaniac? I freeze on my way and turn around to give her the most murderous stare I can recall having given  someone. If I was a witch, she would be twisting in the floor due to the pain right now. Maybe Finn and Clarke were made for each other after all; you know, birds of a feather flock together and these two were like Harry Potter and Voldemort’s wands, but crappier because wands are too cool for them. Especially Finn, he's not even a muggle, he's just a gnat.

“Care to elaborate that, Dr. Griffin?”, I mutter, my jaw tensing at the time. "Sorry, but us simple mortals can’t get you sometimes.”

“I think it’s crystal clear, are you dehydrated of getting off? You’re a little slow on the uptake today.” Wow, I’ve just been hit by a gust of fucking sass.

Who the fuck does she think she is? I chuckle and walk to her position next to her bed, so close to her that I can even smell her perfume. Fuck, no, no, I’m ok. Clarke won’t look at me, she’s just a coward, she has always been a coward. Given the fact that I am the one who’s being offended for no reason (or at least all the wrong ones), I believe I have the right to be harder to her, don’t you think? It works for me, anyway.

“At least I’m getting off.” I smirk and she finally stares at me. Her eyes are ferocious, indeed; nevertheless, somehow she looks hotter like… Fuck off, Lexa, focus. “You so need to get laid, Skai Prisa.” Ok, the ‘sky princess’ thing just came out unintentionally. Let’s face it, I’m not good at this, at all, at least not with her. I still remember the Halloween fail — she was so fucking scary in a twisted, hot way disguised as Cersei Lannister that I haven’t been able to watch Game of Thrones in the same way since then. I can't believe I made such a fool of myself with that Commander shit, really. It woked better in my head, you know? 

“Can you please stop inventing your own fake language? It’s annoying”.

“You’re annoying”, I lash out.

“And you’re a child”, she powerfully counter-attacks. This is the most similar thing to ping pong I’ve experienced in my life. Except for ping pong, obviously.

“I am the immature one here?” The laugh just gushes from my mouth. This is just incredible.  “If you could stop playing games neither of us or our friends would be in this fucked up situation.”

“Just go fuck yourself, Lexa.” The ‘mature’ one says, or growls. Yeah, that’s more accurate for the noise that her mouth produces.

“That’s more your thing, Griffin.” Ok, I'm  totally a child, but it's her damn fault! I'm nor like this on a regualr basis, this is what she makes of me. I stride to the door, ready to pull the doorknob but it’s stuck. I try it again and… nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I'm about to kick it when she pushes me aside.

“Damn it, don’t you even know how to open a fucking door?” She grabs the doorknob and tries herself. When she fails I don’t bother to restrain a guffaw.

“Neither of you will get out of there until you start behaving like rational people.” Anya’s voice sounds so amused from behind the door that I just hit it hoping that it scares her. “I’ll be back.”

"Anya, this is not funny!" Steps, she’s going away and she’s leaving me locked in a bedroom with Clarke Griffin. "Anya!"

I loved to have a ‘sister’ all these past years, it's a pity she has to die so soon. I hit the door again while Clarke shouts her name but no one comes back. No! It doesn’t take us too much to finally give up because everyone must have packed already and no one is going to hear us. Have friends for this, really. Clarke and I look at each other for a second, knowing that this could last hours, but then Clarke averts my gaze and keeps packing her clothes. I’m going to torture Anya, slowly, enjoying every gash, every burn, the sweet noise of every blood drop smashing in the floor, although I won’t hurt her face, it’s too pretty to ruin.

“Well.”

“Well what?”, she replies violently.

“What are you waiting for calling someone?” I hurry her but she doesn’t seem perturbed. “I haven’t brought my phone with me.”

“Mine is dead and Raven has my charger, she said something about a project with Wick.” No. We are locked together without a cell phone, food, order or space. This cannot be happening. A burst of laughter comes from my throat, louder than I expected. This is just amazing.

For a few minutes, I consider staying aside and just wait in silence until Anya or Raven comes back and lets me go, but who am I kidding? I can’t stay put for a long time amng all this filth and chaos, it’s compulsive. First I see one of her shirts there lying crumpled on the bed and I can’t help it, before I can realize I’m already rolling it carefully. Clarke is looking at me, I can see her frowning out of the corner of my eye; however, I decide just to ignore her and keep rolling clothes. She has an insane lot, fuck. I put it on the bottom of her suitcase when she’s also folding another one and then I go to her wide opened closet. I don’t know when I’m grabbing them, but it looks like I’ve taken the Harley Quinn’s leather pants. Her butt with these was a sin, a huge one, one of those you can’t give away with and for which you go directly to hell. I know they will have her detergent’s scent all over them but I refuse to give in into my impulse to smell it, especially know I’ve drawn her attention. Then I realize she has unrolled and folded the clothes I had already packed. Bitch.

“I don’t know what Anya was thinking about locking us in here”, she murmurs while folding a jacket.

“You tell me, aren’t you best friends now?” I snort and put the pants in the bag. She’s going to need another one.

“Well…" Clarke observes me unbashedly for a second and then she focus again on her valise. "We have grown pretty close lately, since our drunk sex-fail try.” The normalcy of her tone leads me to nod. It's right after that when I finally process her words and freeze.

I might be wrong but I think she has insinuated that she and Anya had tried to have sex. Like Clarke and Anya. Clarke, the girl I hate the most and Anya, my most beloved friend. Anya and Clarke. Clarke and Anya. Anya, who has seen me cry and has made me laugh, and Clarke, who has made me cry and has seen me laugh at every remotely witty thing she has said because I’m that absolutely pathetic. I was. They tried to have sex, together. Still, for some reason straight people say gay people are not normal… Ok, ok… I… ok… I’ve seen Anya doing far worse things when she’s drunk, she’s totally another person. She straddled Lincoln and tried to make out with him once — everything else goes without saying. And then there’s Clarke, the million girl who owes me nothing and to whom I owe nothing. They failing on having sex doesn't even surprise me. That’s been mean, I’m sorry but only for Anya. Can you blame me? Clarke says that she has feelings for me and she wants to be with me and then she tries to sleep with my best friend. Very much Clarke. A narcissistic, hypocritical and spoiled little girl. A hot, intelligent and adorable one, but that means nothing, does it?

“And still you dare being mad at me for sleeping with Raven from time to time.” I finally chuckle, trying to keep it cool and continue folding garments. Really, a whole city could be covered with her clothes.

“At least I took your feelings into consideration before taking off my pants!” She blurts out and throws me some jeans she was folding. Ouch! The zipper! "You were fucking Raven!"

“Oh, I didn't know you actually had a heart to break,” I snap back and there it is, the noise of something falling to the ground.

When I turn I see her looking at me and a bunch of belts in the floor. I don’t know why but something tells me she has just dropped them, not grabbed them to hit me and kill me. Manslaughter charges aren't well considered for a doctor, you know…  I have seen lots of versions of her gaze: a cold gaze, a warm gaze, a frozen one, furious, confused, shy, happy… but this one is fire and she wants to burn me alive. Every breath she takes is another flame added to the bonfire, every second I spend holding her stare is another burnt in my searing skin. However, I won’t step back, not this time, she doesn’t scare me anymore. So I step up and she does the same, we look at each other for the longest time, a silent battle developing in between us. For fuck’s sake, I want to push her… and bite her and… I just want her to shut up and get away from me.

“Right, I have no feelings", she mumbles and her fists clench. "Maybe, I don't know, perhaps, I have no heart anymore because you smashed it the moment you banged Raven knowing what I felt for you.”

“And you keep stuck to your guns with that…” I don’t know what she means by ‘feelings’ but it certainly hasn’t the same meaning for the both of us. “Are you heartbroken, Clarke, really? Do you even have a clue of what it is hearing that person again and again saying that she can reciprocate your feelings when she doesn’t? Because she doesn’t and you’re not sure why she’s saying the contrary, the only thing you know is that she keeps crushing your heart like a sadistic bitch.” She swallows and I think she's going to jump at me, rip my chest and finally eat my heart.

“You don’t believe me? I don’t believe you. Lexa, you’re just too scared to face up to the reality.” Clarke’s so close I’m having serious problems to keep my eyes on hers without it hurting. “If you try not to believe me because you’re scared and resentful that’s ok, and if you’re really so angry with me here I am, discharge your rage with me: hit me, bite me, scratch me until I bleed but stop making excuses to run away every time we get a little closer.” I gulp and fall on the bed before our bodies can touch. “It’s... even ok to be all aloof and promiscuous but at least stop being a treacherous rat and talk to me if something bothers you, damn it!”

Even though I thought she was going to kiss me or something, Clarke doesn’t try to come closer. She just stays put in her place, assessing my movements and reactions carefully. Fuck my life, she’s intoxicating and I’m just a dummy, the foregone conclusion of my life is that she will do what she wants with me and I’ll end up broken and empty. Clarke could take everything I have and leave me there, defenseless and alone, I know it. No. That’s not fair, that’s not healthy and I won’t let it happen. I tense my jaw and prepare myself for what’s to come next.

Nevertheless, she sits on the opposite end of the bed, as far from me as the mattress allows her. This is… unexpected, she doesn’t even stare at me anymore, she looks at her hands instead. I can tell she’s sad and upset, she is subtly but nervously scratching her forearms and knees like I have never seen her before. That's not good, she's going to hurt herself. Fuck, what if she really means it? What if she really liked me.? Like-like, not like as friends. What are the odds of her being in love with me? She has never said it. I hadn’t asked myself this question in a long time, I just gave up and tried to move on but I can’t lie to myself, it’s been impossible. After her promise I told myself that I could stop it, that it was just a huge infatuation but that the image I had drawn in my mind wasn’t the real Clarke and it isn’t. That gorgeous, innocent, intelligent and flawless princess is not who I have here next to me; the real Clarke is gorgeous, yeah, and also sort of innocent and fucking intelligent but she’s also insecure, manipulative and a coward. Those are awful characteristics, for sure.

“Did you mean that?”, I blurt out almost whispering, but she still hears it and turns to face me with a tired look. “You weren't lying when you told me you wanted to be with me?” She nods and sigh, and for the first time I’m sure she’s being honest. I can see it in her exhausted eyes, in her sad grimace, in her damaged hands, and my stomach clenches followed by my heart. “Like… in a past tense?” She drags her tired body through the bed until she finally sits beside me.

“What do you feel for me, Lexa?” Everything looks intimate but she’s serious, cold and warm and the same time. All games are over, this is real talk time at last.

“I hate you.” Clarke tenses her jaw and I bury my face in my hands. I've definitely runned out of gasoline. “You have hurt me so much. You have reduced my entire self to ashes with your stupid and cruel games and I’m so fucking pathetic I don’t get to care because these feelings seem to be able to outlast everything — my damn brain, my heart and sanity. You are my fucking worst nightmare, Clarke.” My eyes get wet with unshed tears but I refuse to let her see me crying. I just rub my face, breathe and look at her right in the eyes. Those big blue eyes. Fuck, they are the ocean I saw everyday on the beach, the sky always over me. Clarke will never stop haunting me, right? I don't know why I'm even fighting against this anymore.

“Look, Lexa, I don’t know if I can trust you won't hurt me like this again every time you get insecure or pissed off.” I won’t if you really mean it.

“Well, I’m still upset for all you’ve done to me.” It's too late to help my scars, they will probably never fade.

“So what do we do now?”

 

**June 25 th 2016\. Raven. 12:00**

Maybe if Wick the Cutie helped me with the freaking design I wouldn’t have to spend the whole summer trying to find a way to turn that virtual reality helmet into something better and lighter that doesn’t spoil your hairstyle. It’s not intended to fit my personal needs, I’m a goddess either with cool hair or messy hair but, you know, mortals… That sounds a little frothy, I know, I’m just being honest: I'm awesome. I turn the little black charger in my hands and laugh at my own awesomeness, this will be the bomb.  Nevertheless, my next project should be something more interesting like improving hydrogen engines or making an intelligent toaster. Oh! Something with space ships, maybe. I’ve always wanted to work in space ships and rockets… what’s that sound? I’ve arrived at the doorstep of my bedroom and there’s no tie or scarf or anything in the doorknob but still… that’s not Clarke’s voice for sure. I step back and make certain that I’m in front the right door. There’s no doubt I am.

“Yeah…that…Fuck… That feels amazing”, gasps a familiar voice followed by a loud moan. “Don’t stop, fuck… don’t… oh, fuck… fuck… fuck…”

Alright, I’ve only met one person in my life with that kind of high pitched voice so full of despair that curses so much while begging to get undone. But, of course, that’s absolutely impossible… right? There’s no way on Earth or the Andromeda galaxy that Clarke Griffin, president of the straight and oblivious club of straightness, could…

“Fuck… Harder, Clarke, please… fuck…” Damn, girl.

“The biting or the fingering?”, another voice pants and laughs. That’s Clarke’s laugh, there’s no doubt. I feel like a hole to Hell has opened underneath my feet and my jaw has fallen inside. Somehow I feel weak for a second. Clarke ‘I am a super straight Barbie but more intelligent’ Griffin is now in our bedroom, at this precise moment, fingering a GIRL and not a random one. Also, they have a bite fetish or something. That’s pretty hot.

Fortunately, I don’t get to know the answer to that question before the other girl finally gets her orgasm. Yes, that can’t be anyone but Lexa, I would recognize those moans everywhere I hear them. Looks like Miss Griffin is another fast learner. I restrain a giggle and cross my arms. You know, I put the seeds in the earth and they just grow strong — then they are pollinated and more plants appear. I’m the mother of everyone around me’s sexual life, I’m like a sapphic black hole. I wish it had worked this good with Octavia when I had that massive crush on her, but I guess it was for the best. Some things are just not meant to be.

A sudden thought crosses my mind and I quirk an eyebrow. Should I? No, I can’t be so cruel, not even though they have omitted the fact that everyone who wants to fuck in the bedroom must signal it (a rule imposed by Clarke, by the way), or the fact that this is my bedroom too. Hell, Clarke’s finally got some after centuries… or about two years and a half, she deserves enjoying a quiet and loving after-sex time. However, knowing Lexa as intimately as I do know her, I bet this is just the beginning… That’s why I go downstairs and immediately go back up before quietly putting the key in the keyhole and storming into the room.

“Anyone wanna have a threesome?” I shout and they almost jump through the window. Almost.

“Raven!”, they scream and rush to cover themselves.

Holy shit! I thought I was prepared for everything I could find inside, but I certainly wasn’t ready for Lexa leaning on Clarke’s back, her mouth attached on her shoulder like a leech (a hot one), carefully grabbing her hair with a hand and touching her with the other. And of course, Clarke’s ‘O’ face. My childhood and memories ruined, this is like walking in on your sister... but funnier, because you have already banged the person she's banging. Real family, y' know? Anyway, how much has she lasted, two minutes? That’s what the lack of sex does to you, if they’re not careful she will be so sored tomorrow she won’t be able to fuck in a week. Kids, they can grow up but they're still dumb. Clarke frowns and looks at Lexa, who seems pretty amused by my random entrance. Then, Clarke hits her in the head with a pillow. Damn it, I’ve tried to keep my happy threesome face it but my ribs are hurting. I just end up losing my shit.

“Don’t you even think about that”, Clarke scolds Lexa and now she hits me. Hey!

“I have not”, she defends herself and looks at me cheerfully. “Go away, Reivon, I’m taken now… and pretty busy.”

“Who said that was meant to you, Commander?”, I snort and Lexa throws me every pillow she can find while Clarke laughs. “Don’t you dare leaving blood everywhere, Countess Griffin, or you’ll have to clean it.”

“Blood?” They both jump in their seats and Clarke examines Lexa’s neck. She represses a smile when she notices the red, deep bite mark in her pulse point and after she kisses it she blushes hard.

Once I’ve closed the door again, I lay unabashedly on the bed in between them (over the covers, of course — no wet beds for me, thanks) and roll my eyes as they try to cover their naked bodies. It’s not like I hadn’t seen any of them with no clothes before, especially Lexa’s body ended up being pretty interesting so I examined it thoroughly, even the smallest, tiniest detail of it. Yet, I don’t say that because it seems a little inappropriate for the present moment. I roll in between them, making my own space.

“Raven, what are you doing?” Clarke is so pissed I think she’s trying to turn her eyes into lasers and fry me.

“I’m too traumatized to leave my bedroom now, I’ve kind of walked in on my friends having hard, hot, lesbian sex and I'm pretty sure I’ve gone blind.” Clarke looks at me with a quirked eyebrow, trying to remind me all the times she has caught me with the hands in the cookie jar (I love cookies, you know). I turn to Lexa, she’s the most relaxed one. I wonder why (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). “Are you going to explain any of this or should I get creative and figure it out by myself? That's how kinky rumors begin”, she smiles and makes that thing with her hair. Hair porn, that's what it is.

“We tried to talk about ourselves too many times and we just ended up angry and depressed so… we are just being practical. Now we have relieved some of the tension between us we can talk properly”, she gives her a mischievous grin. Yeah, that’s what they’re planning to do: talking.

“The magic of serotonin and oxytocin”, Clarke burst into laugh and takes a pillow. Alright, now she's gone crazy — I knew that sex with Lexa was mindblowing but this is another whole level. Still laughing, she hides herself under the pillow and glare at us like a turtle (I swear she looks like one). “Hell, we really needed to talk about this whole thing but now it’s just… I was so concerned because of you both falling in bed and... look at us”, she’s losing her shit alone. Clarke looks happier than ever, that's the only reason why I'm going to let her get away with such a horrible pun and that massive lack of trust towards me. I’m really glad for her, for them both.

“Ugh, Griffin.” I jump out of the bed. “I meant the threesome thing as a joke, I wouldn’t touch you with a stick.”

She pretends to be offended and they look at each other for a couple of seconds before start throwing me everything they have at hand while laughing. I think I’m getting diabetes.

”I’m going, I’m going, but you need to get ready and go downstairs. Bell won’t be late.”

When I close the door I can still hearing them talking and giggling.

“So you’re taken now, huh?”, Clarke teases her smugly and Lexa hums, they’re kissing again. “Tell me… hmm… who’s finally succeeded in melting your iced heart, Commander?”

“My sky princess.”

“Ugh, gross!”, I shout and hit the door. Damn, I haven’t left the charger inside. “Girls, just a mo…”

What’s filling my mouth it’s a pillow. That enviable aim is Lexa’s.

 

**June 25 th 2016\. Clarke. 12:45.**

When we go down everyone is there giving us mischievous and naughty looks. The fact that Lexa is wearing a fedora in June may have to do something with it, but the main reason of their idiotic behaviour is that Raven has such a big mouth I feel like she needs stitches, now. Yet, it’s ok, no, it’s more than that, it’s AMAZING. I don’t think I’ve felt like this ever before, right now I could jump so high I would be able to touch the sun but that would mean that I’d have to disentwine our hands and I’m certainly not willing to do that. I caress her skin with my thumb and look at her. She’s so beautiful I want to cry, even with that half-straight, half-curled hair for which I’m  totally the one to blame. I’m sorry, I was overwhelmed and needy and she was just too hot… Damn I’m doomed. I accidentally bite my lip and she knows what I’m thinking so she tries to contain a smile and starts blushing. WHY IS SHE SO FUCKING CUTE? I need to kiss her, I need to… When she turns her face to me it’s the perfect chance and I do it. I can’t breathe at the sensation of her lips again against mine, I could merge with them, I’m craving it. My free hand goes by her own to her cheek and I press her harder against me. Soon we hear a cough.

“Get a room!” Anya and Raven are so alike that for a second I don’t know exactly who of them has said it.

I owe her so much I think I won’t kill her, not today at least. Anya had always been a mystery for me and then that night happened. We danced like fools, we pranked Finn via text with her phone (he’s blocked me in every way possible), we put sugar in Lincoln and Octavia’s drinks and got them so drunk they started playing ‘Dirty dancing’ on a table, and then we went to a room upstairs laughing all the way there. We made out for a while; sure there were some clumsy and drunken kisses but what happened next was priceless. Anya was so drunk and she's so straight that she just couldn’t take off my bra but in her intent she cut me with her fingernails. In that moment I realized I had to cut mine and I’ve never been gladder of something before. I know I'm telling this like I'm the most experienced bisexual woman in this world but actually I must say that I have a huge imagination... and also I've done my research. I'll better not tell you about that part, it's too embarrasing. Where was I? Right, after that I started kissing her neck but she couldn’t stop laughing and then I lost my shit because I should be embarrassed by the ridiculous situation but it was too much fun. We fell asleep together, with our clothes on, I insist nothing happened, and the next morning Anya freaked out so much I had to give her a lime blossom tea. Everything was ok between us, we started talking a lot, mainly about Lexa and me, and she stopped hating me so much. The hangover, that was awful, hell even, I won’t drink a drop of alcohol again in my life.

Before you ask me I'll say that no, I didn't know about Anya's plans, she just helped me to understand a little better why Lexa was behaving like that. It was... interesting, although it only made me angrier at her ranting and her fixation with banging my friends. It's not like I'm insecure, I trust her, I just... I'm a little concerned about that tiny and mean part of her. 

When Lexa and I detach, Anya winks at me and for some reason I feel that Lexa isn’t comfortable with it. However, I can’t talk to her now because Bellamy’s here and we have to say goodbye. I can’t believe this day has finally come. We take turns to hug him and even though we all promised we wouldn’t cry, tears run like rivers.

His father’s already here when my turn comes. I hug him and kiss his cheek trying not to drench him with my teardrops before making him promise me he will be careful and he nods and tells me:

“We will all be ok, Princess. Don’t you ever be afraid again.”

Of course we will see him again, he’s just moving to Texas and we will able to meet him after boot camp but it still feels like this is our last time together. Then Octavia almost strangle him and Lincoln has to hug her tightly to hold her back and save Bell from dying. She’s the strongest one, though, she won’t cry,not even a tear. And finally it's Raven's turn. They look at each other like that mere act hurt them both an then they kiss. This is the most heartbreaking scene I’ve ever seen, damn. 

We give them a little space, moment of which I take advantage to drag Lexa away and hug her in private, maybe a little affected by this emotional situation. She wraps me with her arms and when she softly wipes my tears, I swear her eyes are wet too. Her skin is so soft against mine, so tender, I can't believe I've thrown away all this time not touching her, not kissing her.

“I know we have to talk a little more”, she says before I can even open my mouth, “but in my view it’s actually very simple. I started liking you a lot, Clarke, then that changed into a massive infatuation. Yet, now I’ve seen your best and your worst, I know your flaws and I don’t mind them. I love you, Clarke, and I swear I’ll never going to hurt you again… on purpose”, I giggle at that statement and give her a peck. She's always so honest and pragmatic I can't help it. “Unless you change your mind and decide you just like me as a friend and you leave me all heartbroken telling me something like: 'it's not you, it's me, you are an amazing friend'. I'm serious, I swear I'd punch you in the face”, I know it’s meant as a joke but I can also recognize the fear behind her funny tone.

“Lexa, I’m sorry for everything my confusion and fear has done to you and I promise you now I know for sure that I do… love you”, hell, that was the first time on my life these words have felt so true and serious in my mouth and I can’t help smiling when they come out. "And I absolutely do not have these kind of thoughts about my friends."

Lexa pushes me lightly against the building's wall and she gives me a slow kiss, one so different from those we've had before and at the same time so meaningful that I get weak at my knees. She detaches too soon and looks at me in a playful way. Damn her beautiful face, I could kiss her all my life just stopping from time to time to look at her and hear her voice. Suddenly, she starts being serious. No, ok, I can see through her, it’s a half-fake seriousness. She’s just being partially silly, her mouth is slightly curled in a concealed smile.

“You know that you didn't need to have sex with me to prove you’re bi, right?”, she teases me, caressing my neck with her fingertips. "Not that I'm complaining, I just wanted you to know."

“No, Commander, I had to do it to test if my organism still tolerated such and amount of hormonal chaos and muscle contractions”, she laughs out loud and takes my hand to walk with me back to the parking. Damn, I love she laughs for real at my nerdy medical jokes. “I do have a request, though.”

“Hmmm?” Lexa quirks an eyebrow and I push her lightly.

“How do you feel about spending your holidays in a cottage?”

"Like, in the middle of nowhere?" I nod and she averts my gaze. Lexa's blushing again, I just can't, she's too much. "With you?"

"Oh, I thought you would like to go with Finn to spend some quality time", I joke and she huffs and tickles me. "No tickling!"

"Get a room!" We hear our friends shouting and Lexa starts laughing and wraps my waist. My girlfriend is so cute I can only follow suit.

 

 

**THE END**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow my insanities in lesbianmistress.tumblr.com if you want =)

**Author's Note:**

> How was it? Did you like it? Did you understand it at least? Please tell me in the commentaries


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